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Thread: In Laws (Advice and Story Sharing)

  1. Senior Member
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    #11
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    My relationship with MIL is actually okay. We aren't really close, but she has never been awful to me.

    That said, part of it is that DH very clearly has my back when it comes to her. So I think that's where these things are really solved, and I'd work on hashing things out with your DH. And it will likely me more successful if you try to come up with an overall strategy, rather than discussing it where there is a specific incident or issue on the table. Come up with a set of ground rules to which you can both agree, and do it when there isn't a high-stakes issue you are trying to figure out.

    Things like minimum notice for them to stay with you, maximum number of days per year they can do so, how often you are required to visit, etc. But be prepared to apply the same rules to your family, too.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #12
    You already know my relationship with my in laws is bad, but the last visit gave us new boundaries. I was trying to be overly nice and she still ended up screaming at me, calling me names, and throwing all our suitcases in the street so DH no longer expects me to communicate with them. When we visit I am only expected to be around them as long as I would like and if they visit us they will be told to behave or find a hotel. Definitely have DH stand deal with them when they are being awful to you
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    #13
    DH and I had a good conversation about this: over text messaging of course

    But first I asked him what things he liked/disliked about his parent's last visit. Did he like them staying a week? Being fussy about food? Expecting to be entertained? Did he remember how stressed I was? Etc.

    Then I told him the parts I didn't like: Them snooping around the house for a week cuz they apparently can't entertain themselves. Expecting for me to take care of food/plans. The way they kept trying to put me in charge (They'd ask me something like "where are we going for dinner?", I'd say "Ask DH he's supposed to decide", and they'd refuse so it all became my problem)

    We talked about what it's like when my parents visit - I never make DH take care of them, and the only time my mom has just spent the day hanging around the house was when she got sick when she was here. And she still walked to get her own takeout lunch and stuff and didn't ask DH for anything.

    So what we decided together:
    They can stay a max of 3 days, 2 nights (Like Fri-Sun).
    At least 1 of those days will have to involve plans outside the house, like a day trip to Oceanside or something.
    DH will be in charge of wrangling them and making meals/plans.
    I will be invited but not expected to participate in any and all plans.

    I feel much better.
    WiggleWiggle~ is my Wifey
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    #14
    When we have company come stay with us I make meals ahead of time and freeze them. It makes cooking less stressful while trying to entertain and it's cheaper than going out. Just an option!


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    #15
    My mother in law has a great solution.
    "Let me know when your getting to town so I can make the appropriate hotel reservations for you!"
    Children do NOT spend nights in her house if they have accompanied adults.
    Individuals/couples are welcome to stay. No more than 3 nights.

    She let's everyone know this. No exceptions no excuses.
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    #16
    Sounds like a very solid plan.

    I think the key is going to be your DH's willingness to own it (not pawn it off on you--Rocket says you can't say more than 3 nights, or Rocket doesn't want you in the house all the time so you need to plan something), to express it clearly to them, to let them know he means it, and to not fold when they push back.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #17
    Luckily my in laws live far enough away that we don't see them more than once a month and close enough that they don't have an excuse to stay at our house. My MIL was super nice until DH and I got married and then she turned into an evil, insult hurling woman. It all ended in a big ol' blowup about 2 years ago and now she barely talks to me, which I'm good with, so I spend most of the time they are around grinning and bearing it to keep the peace.


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    #18
    Quote Originally Posted by rocket_lizz View Post
    DH and I had a good conversation about this: over text messaging of course

    But first I asked him what things he liked/disliked about his parent's last visit. Did he like them staying a week? Being fussy about food? Expecting to be entertained? Did he remember how stressed I was? Etc.

    Then I told him the parts I didn't like: Them snooping around the house for a week cuz they apparently can't entertain themselves. Expecting for me to take care of food/plans. The way they kept trying to put me in charge (They'd ask me something like "where are we going for dinner?", I'd say "Ask DH he's supposed to decide", and they'd refuse so it all became my problem)

    We talked about what it's like when my parents visit - I never make DH take care of them, and the only time my mom has just spent the day hanging around the house was when she got sick when she was here. And she still walked to get her own takeout lunch and stuff and didn't ask DH for anything.

    So what we decided together:
    They can stay a max of 3 days, 2 nights (Like Fri-Sun).
    At least 1 of those days will have to involve plans outside the house, like a day trip to Oceanside or something.
    DH will be in charge of wrangling them and making meals/plans.
    I will be invited but not expected to participate in any and all plans.

    I feel much better.
    So happy you guys were able to talk about it and reach a compromise that you're both happy with. Must take a lot of stress out of the equation.
  9. Team Rocket
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    #19
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    Sounds like a very solid plan.

    I think the key is going to be your DH's willingness to own it (not pawn it off on you--Rocket says you can't say more than 3 nights, or Rocket doesn't want you in the house all the time so you need to plan something), to express it clearly to them, to let them know he means it, and to not fold when they push back.
    DH is great at setting boundaries from afar (over the phone) but if he meets in-person resistance he caves pretty easily so I think we'll have to practice what to do if they like, say they will stay 2 nights and then when they're here, say "oh we'll just stay one more night since we're already here" But at least he sets the initial boundaries!
    WiggleWiggle~ is my Wifey
  10. One does not simply Ewok into Endor
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    #20
    We don't have a relationship with FIL at all and haven't spoken to him for almost seven years.
    MIL on the other hand is great. As far as I'm aware, she has always been supportive of our relationship, inclusive of our children, and never overbearing.

    I'm glad you were able to talk to your DH about everything and you guys are setting boundaries.

    <3 Anthiea <3 KittenMittens <3
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