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Thread: Why did he do this

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    #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by CDNTrish View Post
    Honestly, this is just nuts to me, I would have a hard time trusting someone after that.
    I totally agree. I would not plan to spend the rest of my life with someone who help me in so little regard that they would let me plan something they knew would never happen and would plan a life changing event without telling me.
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    #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Amycno View Post
    Sadly yes she does go through the mail before I can get to it. She used to like him but then he didnít tell me he about his plans and I was broken hearted about him leaving so she hates him now.
    Throwing out his mail without letting you see it would be a very strong response though. Thatís something a pissed off fourteen year old does when she has a shit fit, not usually an adult.

    Calm down. Until you get something from him there, you canít know how she might respond, but I doubt sheíd throw it away without your knowledge.

    Quote Originally Posted by Amycno View Post
    I see what you guys mean but it makes sense what she says he did tell me he felt like he couldnít tell me because Iíd be mad at him and then Iíd be even more mad for him not telling me. He never made excuses for himself the day he told me he just apologized and said how wrong and messed up it was. He said he kept trying but couldnít find the right time and he got caught up in all the plans and he wasnít even sure he wanted to go and leave me anyways. Itís all a jumble he is gone now and Iím still not over him being gone but I was very obsessed with the plans and now with this. Honestly, I see that he didnít need my reaction too because he thought Iíd get really pissed off and leave him if he went into the army right now. When I saw him leave to get on the plane in the airport he begged me not to take our engagement ring off and that he promised Iíd be with him soon. And that heís so sorry for this and he wished he could just come home with me but itís too late. It sucks he didnít tell me but at least I honk heís going for the right reasons one to get his stuff together and two to really start provinding for our future family. Maybe Iím wrong but it helped that I was told to stop obsessing and to focus on me and accomplish Hongís for myself so I have something to tell him that heíd be proud of instead of feeling guilty or disappointed that I wasted this time to really focus and work on me.
    ...he pulled an ďItís not you, itís meĒ about joining the army.

    I would not be happy about that. You could love him more than the sun, the moon and all the stars, and it would still be fair to be put out about that. When you see him again, heís going to have some serious work to do to regain trust. He canít make this kind of major life decision without your input or knowledge again.

    However, heís gone and done it right now, so for now you cope. You can shout at him and call him rude names when he returns, if you still feel you want to. I would!

    Heíll be gone for a few months. Youíll be able to write to him as soon as you get an address, but youíll likely send far more mail than you receive - as I said elsewhere, they have a lot of things they want him to learn and not a lot of time to see that he does it, so he likely wonít have a lot of time or energy left over. Heíll try.

    You seem very anxious about this...what specifically are you afraid of? Maybe we can put some of those fears to rest.
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    #13
    Quote Originally Posted by Matchbox View Post
    Throwing out his mail without letting you see it would be a very strong response though. Thatís something a pissed off fourteen year old does when she has a shit fit, not usually an adult.

    Calm down. Until you get something from him there, you canít know how she might respond, but I doubt sheíd throw it away without your knowledge.



    ...he pulled an ďItís not you, itís meĒ about joining the army.

    I would not be happy about that. You could love him more than the sun, the moon and all the stars, and it would still be fair to be put out about that. When you see him again, heís going to have some serious work to do to regain trust. He canít make this kind of major life decision without your input or knowledge again.

    However, heís gone and done it right now, so for now you cope. You can shout at him and call him rude names when he returns, if you still feel you want to. I would!

    Heíll be gone for a few months. Youíll be able to write to him as soon as you get an address, but youíll likely send far more mail than you receive - as I said elsewhere, they have a lot of things they want him to learn and not a lot of time to see that he does it, so he likely wonít have a lot of time or energy left over. Heíll try.

    You seem very anxious about this...what specifically are you afraid of? Maybe we can put some of those fears to rest.
    Unfortunately, my mother is like that. I love her to death but she is.
    Im afraid that I wonít get a letter or a phone call like his superiors said theyíd get the time to do in their letter on the website. I didnít have enough time to ask him all the questions I needed to or tell him everything I wanted to Iím afraid that now itís too late. Plus he promised to get me to his graduation and pay for everything I needed to go and I donít know how he will be able to do that. Now I need to save up thousands so I can pay my bills and go see him.
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    #14
    Quote Originally Posted by Amycno View Post
    Here’s a little back story: my boyfriend and I dated for a little over a year and have know each other a year prior to dating. Everything was okay we’d have the usual arguments and stress of starting college and being adults. He planned with me for future events like vacation to finally meet my father who has been in China due to work, my graduation dinner, and living together while we both start college. He seemed so excited for it watched me buy all this stuff new clothes for the trip and supplies. We had also been talking about him joining the army after he gets his associates so he could possibly get higher pay and my dad could help him with the recruiters and what not.
    Little did I know in March he joined the army to leave in a few months. He told two days before he would be leaving. He said he was so sorry but he kept trying to find the right time and didn’t want to make me angry with him for keeping it from me and leaving. He proposed to me that night as well telling me it will be good for us and that he felt lost in college and wanted to always do this so he could support and provide for me now. I have always supported him going into the army I think it’s a great idea especially if he felt lost I’m just upset he never told me and made all these plans but was never going to keep them. I know that he loves me and he’s always had this thing about wanting to actually provide for me so we can start our future together. I also know that he has always been to himself about his problems and choices. I know he was going back an forth between going and staying as well.
    I know he meant the proposal because he doesnt take marriage lightly and never says what he doesn’t mean of course until now because of all the plans we made are now ruined.
    Also, he had the best contract for the job he wanted and there were no raises for the job even if he was an officer. Plus, if he would’ve waited it would’ve been a longer time away from me.

    This is all surreal. I feel like I’m watching a movie but it’s me and I want to just rewind back to March and tell him to tell me.
    Quote Originally Posted by Amycno View Post
    He’s in basic training now I have no idea if I’ll even hear from him because my mom might throw away his letters if he sends any.
    Quote Originally Posted by Amycno View Post
    Sadly yes she does go through the mail before I can get to it. She used to like him but then he didn’t tell me he about his plans and I was broken hearted about him leaving so she hates him now.
    Quote Originally Posted by Amycno View Post
    I see what you guys mean but it makes sense what she says he did tell me he felt like he couldn’t tell me because I’d be mad at him and then I’d be even more mad for him not telling me. He never made excuses for himself the day he told me he just apologized and said how wrong and messed up it was. He said he kept trying but couldn’t find the right time and he got caught up in all the plans and he wasn’t even sure he wanted to go and leave me anyways. It’s all a jumble he is gone now and I’m still not over him being gone but I was very obsessed with the plans and now with this. Honestly, I see that he didn’t need my reaction too because he thought I’d get really pissed off and leave him if he went into the army right now. When I saw him leave to get on the plane in the airport he begged me not to take our engagement ring off and that he promised I’d be with him soon. And that he’s so sorry for this and he wished he could just come home with me but it’s too late. It sucks he didn’t tell me but at least I honk he’s going for the right reasons one to get his stuff together and two to really start provinding for our future family. Maybe I’m wrong but it helped that I was told to stop obsessing and to focus on me and accomplish Hong’s for myself so I have something to tell him that he’d be proud of instead of feeling guilty or disappointed that I wasted this time to really focus and work on me.
    Quote Originally Posted by Amycno View Post
    Unfortunately, my mother is like that. I love her to death but she is.
    Im afraid that I won’t get a letter or a phone call like his superiors said they’d get the time to do in their letter on the website. I didn’t have enough time to ask him all the questions I needed to or tell him everything I wanted to I’m afraid that now it’s too late. Plus he promised to get me to his graduation and pay for everything I needed to go and I don’t know how he will be able to do that. Now I need to save up thousands so I can pay my bills and go see him.
    This all sounds pretty immature to me: the lies, rushing marriage so you won't be apart, your mom going through your mail (I assume you still live at home).

    I would feel pretty betrayed if my future husband lied, joined the military, and only told me 2 days before he left. I wouldn't even be focusing on how to cope with him being at boot camp. I would just be so fucking hurt by that betrayal.




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    #15
    No way in hell would I be with someone who couldn't be bothered to chat about his MAJOR life plans with me not only before, but even after he made them. If this was a new boyfriend, fine, but this is a guy who claims to want to marry you but didn't think this decision should have been a joint conversation? If you were someone in my life I cared about, I would encourage you to RUN in the other direction. To me, not telling someone something like this is no different than lying. Every day he didn't tell you was a day he was lying to you. That's an epic betrayal and breech of trust. I could no longer trust him, and I don't date, much less marry, someone I don't trust.

    Also, I didn't understand what you meant about him not getting a raise even if he was an officer. If you are saying that because of the type of job, his pay would be the same as officer or enlisted, that is 100% not the way the military works.
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    #16
    OP people can mess up and still be a good person. My DH knew for a while that he’d be deploying to Iraq, but didn’t tell me. He didn’t want me to worry, etc. Now, it was still months before he left (not 2 days), but the reason behind it is similar.

    Also, we got married before he left and didn’t tell our families until right before he left (like less than a week). We wanted to focus on ourselves and not deal with family drama. We lied to them for about a month (by omission) because we were selfish and dumb at the time. We’ve since seen what we did and how it affected those we love and would do things differently if we could.

    I’m not trying to make excuses for him, but I definitely don’t agree with all the people who say to run the opposite direction because of this. People do make mistakes and can regret them and learn from them.
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    #17
    Let me rephrase this..... obsessed was the wrong word...
    You are spending time/energy/emotional wellness on someone who..... what do the kids say these days.... done you dirt?
    And WHY he did this is kind of moot, it was for his own self serving reasons.

    I have been thinking over the fact that your mother hides the mail, have you seen her do this exact thing or are you afraid since she has inserted her opinions into your relationship that she will? If this is something she has a history of doing, is it just with mail from him? I am trying to put myself in her place.... if someone hurt MY daughter like that, I don't know how I would react... I'd be really concerned if my daughter accepted someone treating her like this.
    It makes me wonder what else she has against him to feel the need to prevent contact that fiercely.

    I definitely, 100% certain, would not marry him any time soon. His actions have shown he is not prepared to commit to marriage, to involving another person in the important decisions, having a *partner*.

    Consideration is a HUGE thing in a marriage or a relationship in general. He didn't take your feelings into consideration *at all*. His reasons were stemmed from his own discomfort, and that doesn't cut it. Do you wantto ve with someone who puts THEIR comfort from THEIR mistakes (the not telling you, not the joining) outweigh their honesty or your feelings?

    You didn't ask for advice on if you should stay with him, and I'm hesitant to say "run for the hills" because I don't have a history of saying this and it being received well. I will say that for every act like this you put up with, you are showing him it's acceptable.

    I'm sorry for my initial hasty reply, I could have worded it much better.
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    #18
    Quote Originally Posted by ArmyCupcake View Post
    OP people can mess up and still be a good person. My DH knew for a while that he’d be deploying to Iraq, but didn’t tell me. He didn’t want me to worry, etc. Now, it was still months before he left (not 2 days), but the reason behind it is similar.

    Also, we got married before he left and didn’t tell our families until right before he left (like less than a week). We wanted to focus on ourselves and not deal with family drama. We lied to them for about a month (by omission) because we were selfish and dumb at the time. We’ve since seen what we did and how it affected those we love and would do things differently if we could.

    I’m not trying to make excuses for him, but I definitely don’t agree with all the people who say to run the opposite direction because of this. People do make mistakes and can regret them and learn from them.
    I agree with you up to a point. This may be the kind of mistake OP can forgive, even if some here could not. Only she can decide whether or not she’s willing to forgive the kind of thoughtlessness this suggests. It may take her time to make her decision.

    But even so, this was a big thing for him to spring on her without warning. If it’s a mistake, it’s the kind of mistake you would hope he could only make once, because it clearly makes the separation more difficult and stressful for her than it needs to be. If he wants to be a good partner then he must learn from that.


    OP, you will be okay. I know you’ve said you’re worried you won’t be able to contact him, but I promise you someone in the chain will see to it that contact details for him reach the outside world. There would be no reason for any of his instructors to refuse contact, and he knows your address.

    Your family knows about him, even if they’re not so impressed with him at the moment. Do his family know about you? If they do, they may be able to tell you how to reach him if they hear before you do.
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    #19
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    No way in hell would I be with someone who couldn't be bothered to chat about his MAJOR life plans with me not only before, but even after he made them. If this was a new boyfriend, fine, but this is a guy who claims to want to marry you but didn't think this decision should have been a joint conversation? If you were someone in my life I cared about, I would encourage you to RUN in the other direction. To me, not telling someone something like this is no different than lying. Every day he didn't tell you was a day he was lying to you. That's an epic betrayal and breech of trust. I could no longer trust him, and I don't date, much less marry, someone I don't trust.
    ALL of this.
    I couldnít marry someone who didnít give a shit enough about me to include me in massive life choices.

    If you guys had been together for a couple of months, okay sure. You guys were together over a year. No thanks.

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    #20
    Yes, people can realize they made a mistake and move on. Only time will tell if he is actually sorry, fully understand the gravity of what he did and why ti was wrong, and if he is actually going to learn from this and do better. So sure, "people can learn" but he's done nothing to prove he has so at a minimum, that would be a requirement before I accepted a proposal and continued to wear an engagement ring. As I said, i'd run far away because I don't tolerate dishonest and disrespect and this as a *huge* case of both. But for anyone wanting to try and stay, there should be a requirement of proof--through changed behavior and conversations showing his understanding of the situation and *why* he will do differently in the future, and how his thinking has evolved--before there should be any movement toward marriage.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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