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bubbaswife

Dear God

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by , 07-29-2008 at 04:25 AM (788 Views)
Dear God,
Iím so sorry.
This whole time I thought that you had left me alone, I didnít realize that I had simply forgotten about you. This whole time you were trying to get my attention but I refused to look. Iíve questioned everything I ever felt about our relationship and what I had thought was your calling for me. I thought that you had just left me out to dry and that you didnít need or want me anymore. I truly believed that. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. All of this on top of preparing for Ericís deployment had just been eating me up inside. I couldnít sleep, I couldnít eat, I couldnít function normally. I had locked myself in my house, only leaving when I needed to go to work or to buy things for the house. I didnít feel like I had anyone to talk to. Not even Eric. I didnít think heíd understand. Heís never felt alone. He always feels your presence and I always see you in him. I became jealous of him. His undying devotion and profession of your love made me jealous because that used to be me. I used to have those feelings inside of me and slowly, they have faded away. I donít know why. Maybe it was because I was so mad about being separated from Eric, maybe it was the deployment, maybe it was because I spent so much of my time trying to grow up so quickly that I lost my focus on you. Regardless of what it was, I felt like I had completely lost you and that you had given up on me. Every time I read a thread about faith or every time I wanted to open my worn out bible, I hesitated. I hesitated with fear that no matter how much I let my feelings of fear and loneliness show, that I would still be abandoned and I didnít want to let anyone else in on my painful darkness.
Tonight as I sat on the couch, I couldnít bare the feelings of loneliness anymore. I grabbed my purse, my phone and my keys and got inside my truck. I first I drove to the gas station to buy food in hopes of numbing the pain by stuffing myself like I have been. When I went inside the store, I grabbed everything I wanted and went to the register. The gentleman smiled kindly at me and greeted me. He asked me if I was up late or up early. I told him that I was up late because I was unable to sleep because all I could do was sit up and worry about my husband deploying soon. He sat and talked with me and just listened. He was empathetic and caring. As I began to walk out of the store, I started to numb up at usual while thinking of Eric leaving. I tried to block out all feelings and thoughts. I turned on my iPod and turned it up as loud as I could. I got back on to 35 and started driving back home, but as I got closer to the exit, I just couldnít stand to think of going back home to that empty house. I just kept driving. I kept passing exits without a care. All I could think about was the music and the feel of driving 80 on this wide open road. Then all of a sudden that song came on. You know the one. It always comforts me when I need it the most because it reminds me of you. The tears started to fall slowly down my cheeks as I continued to drive. The songs kept changing and the road kept rolling in front of me. I continued to cry and the tears began to fall more and more often. I finally just couldnít hold it in anymore. I started screaming and crying. I bawled at the thought of how alone I was and how unhappy I was and how scared I am that Iím going to lose Eric over there. I canít even begin to imagine life without him. My life as I know it would cease to exist. All I could think about what how mad I was that you were letting this happen. That you were separating us and putting him into harms way. I was so hurt. I continued to scream in between the sobs. I canít believe that it took me going to my lowest spot ever to find you again. I mean, this place was lower than any other place I have ever been to and we both know how far down Iíve been. It terrified me that you had let me go this far and then I just screamed out for you to help me because I just canít do this alone. I have such a long road in front of me and if I was going to make it out on the other side, I couldnít do it without you. I begged over and over again for your help and I kept saying how sorry I was. Then finally, the tears stopped coming and I could breathe again. I was 1 exit away from home. I got off, parked the truck in the garage and came in and sat down here to write you this letter. Iím sorry that it took all of this to open my eyes. I canít believe that I went that blind. All I could see was darkness and all I could feel was emptiness and loneliness. It took all of that for me to remember that even in the middle of the dark and quiet hour, even at 3:30 am, you see me and I see that again now. Thank you.
Your precious child,
Nicole

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Comments

  1. LoveStrong's Avatar
    May God continue to fill you with His love and peace!
  2. hisqueen's Avatar
    God bless you girl.. may he grant you with peace love and patients..