Military Significant Others and Spouse Support -


Just one of those days

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by , 01-11-2009 at 08:22 PM (932 Views)
I wrote a few emails. Spoke to a friend or two. Said "How ya doing?" To the neighbor as we passed, yet this nagging feeling just wouldn't let go.

I did a couple loads of laundry and pushed the dryer button. I rested a hand and felt it vibrate under my fingers and still this lonesome feeling tickled at my mind.

I helped the kids with weekend work and tried to teach the preschooler to read. His laughter finally brought a smile to my face and God he looks just like his father!

There are some days when I just wonder if placing one foot in front of the other will get me through the day. There are others when pulling the covers up over my head simply doesn't work.

I emailed a few more people. I checked the forums and put in my two cents. I chatted with an old gamming friend who tried to talk me into coming back and playing.

That nagging feeling got stronger as I cooked dinner and cleaned the dishes. I felt the tears swelling and put it down to PMSing.

Finally, kids in bath and listening to them play, I sat down and turned the lap top on. There he was! That feeling I had all day. The one I'd missed and longed for.

He was tired and couldn't stay. He was dirty and needed a shower. He was hungry and needed to eat. He had gear to put away and clothes to sort. He had another mission that tomorrow he'd have to report.

For just these moments in the dead of night where he was, with our children laughing and splashing in my ears. His words blinked on the screen. Telling me as long as we were safe and happy, he'd sleep with no worries. He'd make it through the short night and face the long, hard day ahead as long as he knew we were good.

With trembling hands and wanting to tell him all the lonliness I felt, I simply told him I missed him, and that the boys were making a pond out of our bathroom.

He told me he'd see me in his dream, hopefully with one of my home cooked meals he missed and loved. I told him to send a menue of what he wanted when he gets home for good. I promised him I'd be there with him when he closed his eyes.

I sat and stared at his "I love you my snuggle bunny. Tell my boys to take care of you till daddy gets home." message while silent tears streamed in chorus to an aching heart for the only love and man that can make it whole.

There are some days when pain just won't go away. They are getting more frequent. I wonder if it's because the time is growing short for him to come home....does it get harder the closer it gets? Does knowing it's nearly over make you miss them even more?

After so many longs months, there is an end insight. After keeping those pains, lonliness, saddness safely locked away with "Be strong for him." It's like a flood gates has opened. Finally, the sadness won't be held back.

God I waited. I was patient, and I supported. I did my duty damnit!! It's time for him to come home! It's time for him to be with us. It's time for him to see and feel our love. I want my husband!

Yeah...there are days like this.......

Yeah...tough day today. I have been yelling at the kids, short tempered and moody.

I didn't get to talk to him nearly long enough and didn't eat before now.

I just want this over! I just want him home I want to hug him and kiss him and feel him next to me at night. I want I want I want I want I WANT!!!!!!!

So, no exercise today.
I have kept very good on my eating.
4 chicken strips - 400 calories
steamed veggies (NO butter!) - 100 calories
water downed kool-aid - ? (for something sweet)

I gave in to it!! I had a snack!!
cheese & crackers - about 700 calories

I need something sweet! It hits me when I'm PMSing. I had always heard that when you craved something it was your body telling you that you were lacking in something. NOW though it's just your behavior USE to eating specific things and trying to convence you to get them! UGH!!

So, I'm wanting sweets. I have a cake mix in the pantry and chocolate and vanilla icing. Though the kids have helped themselves to the icing!

Fortunately I'm too lazy to actually bake the damn thing. of those days.....

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Updated 01-12-2009 at 05:48 PM by SuziGraham



  1. tammyjh3291's Avatar
    I know how you are feeling. His deployment has hit me hard this time. It is not our first and definitly won't be our last. We still have a few more to go before he retires. As sad as it is I can only pray that I am given the strength to endure through these trials that I face. However, I am very hopeful that as the weeks pass by I will regain some of my old self and learn to do things with out him around. I hope that you start to regain yourself soon. Good luck on the weight loss, I have started mine as well but it seems it is a journey that has many ups and downs.

    Check out the focus on the family articles