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Thread: Advice on timing of marriage!

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    #1

    Advice on timing of marriage!

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    Ok, So my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, I love him with everything I've got. I know I want to marry him. He wants to be married as well; and we have been talking about it seriously for the last couple months---he hasn't proposed but by the way we talk and timing & such, I have been expecting it by November (after his initial training) then he goes to OCS. During OCS I won't be able to live with him till after the sixth week & even then, I wouldn't be on base with him until we are legally married.

    He got to call me today while in Basic (he's an E-5 going through basic again because he switched from Navy to Army) anyways, he talked to a few of the guys he will be in OCS with and a couple leaders. They confirmed that it will be very difficult for us to see eachother during these trainings if we are not married. So here is my dilemma. In my mind I was thinking if he proposed in Nov, we could have the wedding in the end of next summer. I want the whole traditional wedding experience. I want a huge reception and I want to do cake testings and dress fittings. Well, when I talked to him today he brought up the idea of "eloping" during his break this Thanksgiving, and then having our actual ceremony (the big thing) the following Summer as planned. That way we could be together during the trainings and still have the wedding we want.

    Obviously I want to be with him during the trainings. I can't imagine going much longer without him but I am also sad because I feel that if we sign the papers and have our wedding 8 months later it won't be as special. I feel it won't feel like that special "big day" you have in your head when you are a little girl. And I want that! But I also want to be with him ASAP! He says "I know you want the big wedding and we can still do that, I just need you in my everyday life now, I can't stand being apart."

    Help, I don't know what to do...
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Allyson88 View Post
    Ok, So my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, I love him with everything I've got. I know I want to marry him. He wants to be married as well; and we have been talking about it seriously for the last couple months---he hasn't proposed but by the way we talk and timing & such, I have been expecting it by November (after his initial training) then he goes to OCS. During OCS I won't be able to live with him till after the sixth week & even then, I wouldn't be on base with him until we are legally married.

    He got to call me today while in Basic (he's an E-5 going through basic again because he switched from Navy to Army) anyways, he talked to a few of the guys he will be in OCS with and a couple leaders. They confirmed that it will be very difficult for us to see eachother during these trainings if we are not married. So here is my dilemma. In my mind I was thinking if he proposed in Nov, we could have the wedding in the end of next summer. I want the whole traditional wedding experience. I want a huge reception and I want to do cake testings and dress fittings. Well, when I talked to him today he brought up the idea of "eloping" during his break this Thanksgiving, and then having our actual ceremony (the big thing) the following Summer as planned. That way we could be together during the trainings and still have the wedding we want.

    Obviously I want to be with him during the trainings. I can't imagine going much longer without him but I am also sad because I feel that if we sign the papers and have our wedding 8 months later it won't be as special. I feel it won't feel like that special "big day" you have in your head when you are a little girl. And I want that! But I also want to be with him ASAP! He says "I know you want the big wedding and we can still do that, I just need you in my everyday life now, I can't stand being apart."

    Help, I don't know what to do...
    to the site!

    I am not that knowledgeable about the OCS process so take this with a grain of salt. My advice for you would be to wait until summer so you can have your big wedding. For two reasons: 1) It seems like you would really regret it if you don't have it and 2) I think because he would have already started his training there is no guarantee that you would be able to move to be with him even if you were married (someone please correct me if I am wrong).

    Also,- and this is just something to think about- separations tend to make people feel more strongly about things like marriage and such so make sure you're ready for marriage and not rushing it just because you want to be with him (hope that made sense it came out kind of jumbled). I know it's hard being apart and if I could I would go be with my DB in a heartbeat but in the grand scheme of things 8 months will be over before you know it.
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    #3
    DH and I had our wedding ceremony planned for August of '10. He got back from deployment in January of '10, I moved to NC and a few weeks later we had a courthouse wedding so that we could be together sooner and more easily afford the room we rented from a friend (I wasn't working at the time since I had just got there and didn't think to apply before getting there). We still planned on the August wedding, but 3 years later it never happened If you want the wedding, and you don't want it to slip in the background (which is often does) make sure you take steps to insure it happens. Don't put off planning. Start before you elope that way you know you can a) lose your money spend on things for the wedding or b) know you will follow through with the large ceremony.

    We now have a baby girl, so we will be waiting until after our children are old enough to actively participate in a vow renewal ceremony & we have enough money put away to pay for a nice wedding on our own. I don't feel like it will take away from the experience of the ceremony. Some people may not be so inclined to go to a renewal rather than the original wedding but those people aren't the kind that I'd want to be at my wedding anyway

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    #4
    If you want a big wedding with all the nooks and crannies, have it. A lot of the time many people will have a courthouse weddin and plan for a "real" one later, but it never happens. So ultimately you have to decide if a big wedding is something you can potentially live without because life kind of got in the way in a sense.
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    Hi there!

    I agree with the PP who mentioned that deployments, extended training, etc can put pressure on you to make big decisions like getting married. And it doesn't sound like a sure thing that you would get to be together even if you were married (I don't believe any spouses lived with their servicemembers during my DF's OCS class but I'm not 100% sure).

    Before my DF deployed, we talked about doing a courthouse wedding so I could come to Germany and be with him as soon as he gets back. But then, we realized that we loved each other and would get married no matter what even if it meant waiting a little longer. Due to this choice we had to spend an additional year in an LDR, but I don't regret it. Like you, I wanted the whole big wedding with our families and friends. I wanted him to be part of the wedding planning process as something we would do together. It was sorely tempting, though, during that year apart!

    I'm sure it seems like being away from him while he's at OCS is going to be the longest time, but if having the traditional wedding experience is important to you and you feel having a civil ceremony beforehand would dampen that, I'd say stick with what you want.
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    #6
    We did the whole wedding in a court house then about a year later we did a large one in a church w/ a reception. I dont regret our desicion and the church wedding wasnt any less special to me.
    However, ultimately an extra year for planning a real wedding and being long distance isn't that dreadful. I also am not familiar with OCS training but if it is anything like my husband post basic training he still isn't going to have a ton of time to be with you, and if its a temporary station the moving and removing may just ultimately be a hassle.
    You may be better off just starting to plan the big shabang and holding out, but only you and your DF can make that desicion.
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    #7
    People can live with their spouses during OCS?

    Maybe it's different for Army. DH is enlisted, and just went through OCS for the MECEP program (essentially the USMC's version of Green-to-Gold). I wasn't allowed to go with him. He was actually only allowed to contact me via letter or by phone on weekend liberty. I could visit on the weekends after the first month too.

    For TBS (the USMC 2nd training school for officers), we are allowed to go with them but its true that you hardly see them because they are so busy and need to focus. DH and I have wondered if its even worth it for me to go with him b/c the last thing I want to be is a distraction. I can't even imagine how distracting it would be if we were newlyweds on top of it.

    I know it sucks being away from your man... but if Army is anything like the Marines, then this is going to be a critical time in his career development.

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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Allyson88 View Post
    During OCS I won't be able to live with him till after the sixth week & even then, I wouldn't be on base with him until we are legally married.
    Are you sure you can live with him during OCS? When exactly does he enter the OCS phase? Even if you could live with him during OCS (which I am not sure you can) if you plan on getting married right before he reports to OCS they are going to expect him to be single when he gets there (rather than having gotten married during a break). That means it is going to be difficult for him to get everything done in order to get you there because he will be in training and will not be able to get the paperwork done. Plus, it will mean switching where he is being housed.

    And, I agree with the above, if your dream is the big wedding, don't give up the dream. If you don't feel it will be as special, it won't.
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    Thanks everyone for the advice. He is an E-5 going through OCS, so he has some special privileges..and I guess he talked to his instructor and that is what his instructor told him, that I can be there 6 weeks into his training. I know we aren't just considering marriage because of this; we have been talking about it since before he left, but to be able to plan the wedding to my standard it would have to wait till next summer. I just don't know how I feel about "signing the paper" now, and celebrating later. Makes me sad but it also makes me sad to be apart for so long
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Allyson88 View Post
    Thanks everyone for the advice. He is an E-5 going through OCS, so he has some special privileges..and I guess he talked to his instructor and that is what his instructor told him, that I can be there 6 weeks into his training. I know we aren't just considering marriage because of this; we have been talking about it since before he left, but to be able to plan the wedding to my standard it would have to wait till next summer. I just don't know how I feel about "signing the paper" now, and celebrating later. Makes me sad but it also makes me sad to be apart for so long
    That part isn't ever going to go away. Have you done a deployment with him? If you have, OCS will in many ways be easier. Separations still suck, but the peace of mind knowing he's safe goes a long way.

    Army must be different b/c DH was enlisted when he went to OCS and he didn't get jack for privileges.

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