How did you/do you tell people NO

[Scoobysgal]

DF and I are finally starting to talk about a date for our wedding since we apparently didn't get the memo that it had to be picked the day we got engaged

Our issue? We can't pick a date until we finally settle with our family on the size of the wedding.

We want a SMALL wedding, like 50 or less if that were even possible (which sounds like a lot but just with my siblings/their spouses/kids I have like 12 alone). We planned on doing a beach getaway with only close friends/family..none of this 3rd and 4th cousins twice removed crap. Honestly if we really had it our way I don't think anyone would be there..just a simple JOP thats about us and our relationship together.

Both of our parents want a hometown wedding. Hometown wedding equals 200 people or so. No lie. DF has sooo much extended family where we live that we had 3rd and 4th cousins who he doesn't even really know telling us they expected an invitation to our wedding. Seriously?! Both sets of parents are pretty upset about the prospect of a far away wedding they want THEIR families there. Which is fine, I get it, but its our wedding ya know? In fact the other day while discussing it DF's dad got huffy and said 'ITS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU YA KNOW!' thanks future FIL..

So my question is. How did you get the people/family around you to realize that its not going to be a big wedding without hurting their feelings that they won't be necessarily be invited? We NEED to put our foot down and re-iterate its OUR wedding, we just wanna be semi-nice about it. We thought about doing our wedding and then coming home and having a reception/party for those who couldn't be at the wedding but apparently that doesn't appease either.

[Mrz. Robinson]

I just let them know

[Am]

We have 175 or so on our collective list. That's honestly the people we're closest to. We know WAY too many people. We stuck it in the middle of the week and out of town and that has helped us cut back on guests. You might try those.

We DO have a list of 20 or so people that DF's mom insists won't come but she wants to be courteous to them anyway. We agreed to send invitations to them as long as his parents were willing to pay for those people if they happen to say yes.

[Scoobysgal]

Originally Posted by CarolinaHokie We have 175 or so on our collective list. That's honestly the people we're closest to. We know WAY too many people. We stuck it in the middle of the week and out of town and that has helped us cut back on guests. You might try those. We DO have a list of 20 or so people that DF's mom insists won't come but she wants to be courteous to them anyway. We agreed to send invitations to them as long as his parents were willing to pay for those people if they happen to say yes.

to the bolded. Oooh to be popular . I wouldn't mind the list being that big if the majority of them were people we cared about..but they aren't, they're random cousins DF's parents expect him to know but he doesnt. From just his side alone..without any of our friends invited..his parents came up with a little over 100. Good idea on the middle of the week thing though! Thanks!

[leftover]

Well, if FIL going to pay for everything if he wants it all about him? I bet he'd look pretty ugly in a dress.

[TheBryTree]

I'd just make the plans you want and let it be. If you don't want people you don't know at your wedding, then you don't have to have them. It IS all about you and your DF on your wedding day. You both have the right to be completely happy and comfortable.

[Am]

Originally Posted by Scoobysgal to the bolded. Oooh to be popular . I wouldn't mind the list being that big if the majority of them were people we cared about..but they aren't, they're random cousins DF's parents expect him to know but he doesnt. From just his side alone..without any of our friends invited..his parents came up with a little over 100. Good idea on the middle of the week thing though! Thanks!

Who's paying?

[katiedelta3]

If they're helping pay for the wedding, you have to compromise with them. If not, the decisions should be all up to you. Although, if it is that big of a deal to them, you don't want to start your marriage off by pissing off your in-laws, kwim? Good luck and I hope you get it all figured out peacefully!

[SNK]

We had a guest list of 80. OF COURSE we had to cut out a LOT of people but my Mom suggested that we invite ANYONE we want to the actual wedding and then on their invitations say that there will be a reception for family to follow. My Dad's a pastor a LOT of the people at this church that have seen me grow up just wanted to see me get married, they weren't intersted in the food and partying later. So, that's what I did

[Jenn026]

Originally Posted by TheBryTree I'd just make the plans you want and let it be. If you don't want people you don't know at your wedding, then you don't have to have them. It IS all about you and your DF on your wedding day. You both have the right to be completely happy and comfortable.

Honestly i just told people, immediate family, that's it end of discussion. Deal with it or don't come. You can't worry about everyone's feelings. If you worry too much about everyone's feelings you're going to end up doing it their way. Just find a way to politely tell people, "I understand it's not what you hoped for, but this IS our wedding and it is most important that it is special for us. This is what we've decided." If the issue is money, tell them that if they want more than the 50 you want, they can pay for it and that's fine. If it's not about the money put your foot down and stick to it.