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Thread: Getting spouse on board with diagnosis

  1. Gone Hiking
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    #1

    Getting spouse on board with diagnosis

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    I'm finding it still so difficult to get my husband on board with my son's diagnosis of Dyspraxia.
    We've known for over a couple years our son had things going on requiring Occupational, Speech, and Physical Therapy but wasn't until just last month that we got a formal diagnosis of Dyspraxia.
    It feels like it took forever to even realize that wow, there's a name for what's going on.

    For my husband, he gets offended when I even mention the name and doesn't want to think that there is something actually going on. Almost like he's ignoring it all and when things are going on, lets himself get frustrated with our son and gets onto him. (He's talking too loud, he's being a baby, he's not trying, he's not listening. etc.)

    I feel alone in this.
    Has anyone else had a spouse who has had a hard time coming to terms with a diagnosis?
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by mars View Post
    I'm finding it still so difficult to get my husband on board with my son's diagnosis of Dyspraxia.
    We've known for over a couple years our son had things going on requiring Occupational, Speech, and Physical Therapy but wasn't until just last month that we got a formal diagnosis of Dyspraxia.
    It feels like it took forever to even realize that wow, there's a name for what's going on.

    For my husband, he gets offended when I even mention the name and doesn't want to think that there is something actually going on. Almost like he's ignoring it all and when things are going on, lets himself get frustrated with our son and gets onto him. (He's talking too loud, he's being a baby, he's not trying, he's not listening. etc.)

    I feel alone in this.
    Has anyone else had a spouse who has had a hard time coming to terms with a diagnosis?

    I have so been there. When my DS was diagnosed with his developmental delays (starting at 4mos) it was a HUGE struggle between DH and I. I think part of it was him not wanting to admit there was "a problem" and the other part was that he already felt removed from it all as he was deployed at the time. I even sent him copies of all the testing results and diagnostic write-ups from the Developmental Evaluation Center that we had been referred to for all the evaluations - and he still seemed to take issue with the 'labels' of the actual specific diagnoses.
    Honestly, to this day it seems that DH is in denial that there was ever "really" anything wrong- we are fortunate in that with various intensive therapies (DS had at least one, if not two, sessions of OT, ST or PT per day with his various assigned providers - we had two OT providers, a PT provider and an ST provider - and an overall case manager that did a bit of OT and PT) DS has overcome most of his issues as they were mostly all purely physical and things that were "fixable". I think that has only helped to bolster DH's mindset that it was all just an overblown situation and never really anything wrong.
    Do you have any other friends that have children with delays or health issues? It may help if there is another dad/man who can talk on your DH's same *level* (for lack of a better word - basically man-to-man). Has he attended any appointments where he can hear it from "experts"? Some people will take the word of an expert over that of a loved one, etc even when they are saying the EXACT same thing(s)
    I felt so alone dealing with all of it - and the one person I wanted, NEEDED to be able to lean on wasn't really there for me the way I wanted him to be....that still bothers me and DS is 12.
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  3. Gone Hiking
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    #3
    Its so hard when you feel alone and just makes a person feel lost. Unfortunately the only other friends we have who can help, live way too far away now. And my husband hasn't been able to go to any of the most important appointments, really he hasn't been able to be at almost all of my son's appointments.
    My husband's way of thinking too is that once a diagnosis is in the records, it can ruin your future. And he's been proven correct unfortunately in that area. So it doesn't help his getting together with me.

    I'm wondering if I should call EFMP to see what more I can do as well, maybe see if they have anything by way of support.

    Thank you so much for your reply, it really means so much to me! It helps make me feel a little better knowing I'm not the only one who's going/gone though the lack of support from a spouse, but I'm also sorry you have been in a similar situation.
    Thank you again for your reply and most especially for sharing with me.

    Quote Originally Posted by ZivaD View Post

    I have so been there. When my DS was diagnosed with his developmental delays (starting at 4mos) it was a HUGE struggle between DH and I. I think part of it was him not wanting to admit there was "a problem" and the other part was that he already felt removed from it all as he was deployed at the time. I even sent him copies of all the testing results and diagnostic write-ups from the Developmental Evaluation Center that we had been referred to for all the evaluations - and he still seemed to take issue with the 'labels' of the actual specific diagnoses.
    Honestly, to this day it seems that DH is in denial that there was ever "really" anything wrong- we are fortunate in that with various intensive therapies (DS had at least one, if not two, sessions of OT, ST or PT per day with his various assigned providers - we had two OT providers, a PT provider and an ST provider - and an overall case manager that did a bit of OT and PT) DS has overcome most of his issues as they were mostly all purely physical and things that were "fixable". I think that has only helped to bolster DH's mindset that it was all just an overblown situation and never really anything wrong.
    Do you have any other friends that have children with delays or health issues? It may help if there is another dad/man who can talk on your DH's same *level* (for lack of a better word - basically man-to-man). Has he attended any appointments where he can hear it from "experts"? Some people will take the word of an expert over that of a loved one, etc even when they are saying the EXACT same thing(s)
    I felt so alone dealing with all of it - and the one person I wanted, NEEDED to be able to lean on wasn't really there for me the way I wanted him to be....that still bothers me and DS is 12.
    My inbox is always open
    to you and your DS
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    #4
    I have not dealt with it. I am very sorry you are. I wonder (and this is a wild random thought) is there any way your husband feels with this diagnoses that it makes him feel less of a man/father that his son has these issues? He may not think it out loud or consciously but perhaps somewhere in back of his mind it is a thought?
  5. Gone Hiking
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    Yes, I think that can be one of who knows how many thoughts. He could be thinking that or thinking he's being blamed, or who knows what and I can understand having those thoughts because you know there's a bumpy road ahead and you don't know what will happen along the way. So yes, I've thought along those lines but it's not any easier for me, nor does it really help my feeling alone in this right now. I can't sit there and ignore whats going on with my son. Being aware of what is going on with him helps me to learn more by way of being able to help. I just wish my husband would stand with me on this. I do hope he comes around one of these days.

    Quote Originally Posted by Southern-queen View Post
    I have not dealt with it. I am very sorry you are. I wonder (and this is a wild random thought) is there any way your husband feels with this diagnoses that it makes him feel less of a man/father that his son has these issues? He may not think it out loud or consciously but perhaps somewhere in back of his mind it is a thought?
  6. Team Rocket
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    #6
    Do you think he's maybe going through the stages of grief? I saw this in my dad when my step mom was diagnosed severely alcoholic. I know it's not the same but your description makes it sound like your husband is still in the denial and anger stages. Maybe some family counseling could help bring you guys closer to the same page? My dad benefited very very much from doing counseling with my stepmom. I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need It also sounds to me like your husband is afraid, maybe he's envisioning a future where your son doesn't get any better and can't enjoy life the same way that your DH does. I hope things start looking up for you.
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  7. Gone Hiking
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    Thanks for your reply to me!
    It's always a possibility for him to be experiencing that as well. I don't think I'll ever really know, as he can be a tough nut to crack at times.
    So far I think he's broken through a tiny bit since I've been researching more and discussing little things here and there w/o asking much from him by way of any answers or anything. Even had him print out some papers for me that our son's teacher had asked for regarding Dyspraxia and he was willing to look at one. Odd thing is that he realized that most of the symptoms, he's got! (just not to the same extent as our son) May be a little eye opener for my husband with that knowledge but I also hope he remembers that our son is worse than he (my hubby) is/was with the symptoms. I hope in the future he doesn't become hard on our little guy thinking if he could do it and graduate early and such and such, then our son can as well or even better. You know?

    Quote Originally Posted by rocket_lizz View Post
    Do you think he's maybe going through the stages of grief? I saw this in my dad when my step mom was diagnosed severely alcoholic. I know it's not the same but your description makes it sound like your husband is still in the denial and anger stages. Maybe some family counseling could help bring you guys closer to the same page? My dad benefited very very much from doing counseling with my stepmom. I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need It also sounds to me like your husband is afraid, maybe he's envisioning a future where your son doesn't get any better and can't enjoy life the same way that your DH does. I hope things start looking up for you.
  8. Pour a little salt, we were never here
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    #8
    I think the others had good advice. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. When I was a baby I was diagnosed with a genetic illness, and my mom knew almost immediately after I was born that something was wrong, but my dad didn't want something to be wrong and would tell her "Oh fine, take her to the doctor. If you want something to be wrong, they'll find something wrong." Now, after coming around, he's been a great supportive husband to her and father to me but it was hard for him at first.

    Also, grief is normal too. My mom always says she had to grieve the loss of her "healthy child" (even though I never was one, she anticipated one and loved me as a healthy baby through pregnancy) and then accept her unhealthy child. It sounds weird to me honestly, that I was two different people to her, but it's how she handled things.

    Also, my DH's school teachers encouraged his mom to have him checked for autism, and she refused. He very well may have been diagnosed with autism if she had taken him to a doctor, but he is grateful she didn't because it would have prevented his current career and changed his life in his school years. I'm not saying to not have your child treated at all, but I do think if DH and I ever had a child with a problem, he would be reluctant to have it labeled and treated due to his personal experience.

    I love counseling, if your DH is willing, it may be a great way for you two to safely open up about your feelings regarding your child and his condition.
  9. Banned
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by mars View Post
    I'm finding it still so difficult to get my husband on board with my son's diagnosis of Dyspraxia.
    We've known for over a couple years our son had things going on requiring Occupational, Speech, and Physical Therapy but wasn't until just last month that we got a formal diagnosis of Dyspraxia.
    It feels like it took forever to even realize that wow, there's a name for what's going on.

    For my husband, he gets offended when I even mention the name and doesn't want to think that there is something actually going on. Almost like he's ignoring it all and when things are going on, lets himself get frustrated with our son and gets onto him. (He's talking too loud, he's being a baby, he's not trying, he's not listening. etc.)

    I feel alone in this.
    Has anyone else had a spouse who has had a hard time coming to terms with a diagnosis?
    My husband was the same way for a long time-he occasionally still is. He "knew" he had autism, but he didn't "know-know", if that makes since. He will occasionally joke with our son likely he would with a typically developing child. To be fair, he is really trying to work on it. It's an adjustment for them, their job is to fix things and they cannot fix their child. He will more than likely come around.

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