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Thread: Enlighten me please

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    #1

    Enlighten me please

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    After almost 4 years doing long distance, Mr.Marine finally brought up the subject of marriage, because frankly both of us agreed we canít do more long distance. We talked about finances, kids, conflict resolution, communication, our goals, etc. Basically we had our ďpreĒ pre Cana class. We reached an impasse when we talk about how we will raise our kids. Iím a catholic, heís a Baptist. I want my kids to be raised as a Catholic, go to catholic school and follow the church traditions. I ended the relationship because its important for me. I cried for a week. Fast forward a couple months, he called me on my birthday. He told me he loves me and wants to get back together with an intention for us to get married before he gets his new orders. ( I doubt heíll get Japan again). I told him we can talk about this when I visit japan for holiday. I know i will say yes because heís the right man for me. 3 weeks till I meet him and suddenly Iím scared. Am I being immature? I have some questions and concerns.

    1. Prenup. Divorce isnít an option for us but my parents insist my future husband must sign a prenup. I donít know how to bring this subject up, I donít want to offend him.
    2. Iím waiting to get approval for my australian citizenship application, it will take 6 months. My home country doesnít recognise dual citizenship, so to make life easier in the future, I applied for Australian citizenship. Will my status as a foreigner affect his security clearance?
    3. Finances. How do you guys do your finances? Mr.marine has some student loan debt and when I offered to help him pay, he gets upset.
    4. I have to quit my job after we get married. At the moment I have more income than him, I feel sad to leave this job but I guess I donít have much choice, eh? How do you keep your sanity?
    5. Iím still deciding what am I going to do with my house in Melbourne. Rent it out or sell it and call it a day. Any advice?
    6. Based on other threads, after I get married, Iím responsible for my own move to Japan and the corps will pay for my move to his next duty station, am I correct?

    Anything else I need to know about marrying someone in the military? He has one year left in Japan but I need to know what to expect before I say yes. I would like to say thank you in advance for any advice, thoughts, or comments.
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by valleygirl17 View Post
    After almost 4 years doing long distance, Mr.Marine finally brought up the subject of marriage, because frankly both of us agreed we can’t do more long distance. We talked about finances, kids, conflict resolution, communication, our goals, etc. Basically we had our “pre” pre Cana class. We reached an impasse when we talk about how we will raise our kids. I’m a catholic, he’s a Baptist. I want my kids to be raised as a Catholic, go to catholic school and follow the church traditions. I ended the relationship because its important for me. I cried for a week. Fast forward a couple months, he called me on my birthday. He told me he loves me and wants to get back together with an intention for us to get married before he gets his new orders. ( I doubt he’ll get Japan again). I told him we can talk about this when I visit japan for holiday. I know i will say yes because he’s the right man for me. 3 weeks till I meet him and suddenly I’m scared. Am I being immature? I have some questions and concerns.

    1. Prenup. Divorce isn’t an option for us but my parents insist my future husband must sign a prenup. I don’t know how to bring this subject up, I don’t want to offend him.
    why do they want a prenup. What do they want in it. A prenup is generic term, and you put in it what you want.

    2. I’m waiting to get approval for my australian citizenship application, it will take 6 months. My home country doesn’t recognise dual citizenship, so to make life easier in the future, I applied for Australian citizenship. Will my status as a foreigner affect his security clearance?
    it could. Depends on your citizenship.
    3. Finances. How do you guys do your finances? Mr.marine has some student loan debt and when I offered to help him pay, he gets upset.
    what works for one couple may not work for another.
    4. I have to quit my job after we get married. At the moment I have more income than him, I feel sad to leave this job but I guess I don’t have much choice, eh? How do you keep your sanity?
    why do you have to quit your job?

    5. I’m still deciding what am I going to do with my house in Melbourne. Rent it out or sell it and call it a day. Any advice?
    6. Based on other threads, after I get married, I’m responsible for my own move to Japan and the corps will pay for my move to his next duty station, am I correct?
    yes, and it depends on timing.
    Anything else I need to know about marrying someone in the military? He has one year left in Japan but I need to know what to expect before I say yes. I would like to say thank you in advance for any advice, thoughts, or comments.
    See bolded
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleMsSunshine View Post
    I think it's really funny when people come on here, and automatically assume that everyone here is a gung-ho, hoo-rah, i-bleed-red-white-and-blue, kiss-my-military-ass, people-in-uniform-can-do-no-wrong, and i'm-entitled-to-everything bitch.
    "RIP Blackie, and Whitey, New Whitey. Goodbye Poopers and Momma Beige and Lady Grey. New Blackie and the Whitey Sisters rule the roost now!"
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    #3
    My dad bought some properties and put it under my name, and my grandma will give me her house after she passed away. My dad wants those properties stay in the family if anything happens to me. I have to quit my job after I marry him so we can live together. So my citizenship could be a problem? I don’t have any criminal records or debts.
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    1. Prenup. Divorce isn’t an option for us but my parents insist my future husband must sign a prenup. I don’t know how to bring this subject up, I don’t want to offend him.
    If you feel the need for a prenup as well, I would just say, hey since we are talking seriously about marriage can we please talk about this thing that is important to me... IMO if it isn't important to YOU I would be having the conversation with your parents about their expectations not aligning with yours rather than with my BF though.

    3. Finances. How do you guys do your finances? Mr. Marine has some student loan debt and when I offered to help him pay, he gets upset.
    DB and I aren't married so we are 100% separate. We don't split checks at restaurants and things and we roughly trade off paying for vacations etc. But we don't have anything with our names on it together. If we do get married we would be 100% shared. We roughly make the same and have no debt outside of our mortgages though.

    4. I have to quit my job after we get married. At the moment I have more income than him, I feel sad to leave this job but I guess I don’t have much choice, eh? How do you keep your sanity?
    Assuming you can get work authorizations for where you are living I don't see why you wouldn't be able to work. Obviously some locations might not be great for your particular career but there may be something. Personally, not having my career would be a huge hit because its defining to me as a person, so I understand the sadness there.

    5. I’m still deciding what am I going to do with my house in Melbourne. Rent it out or sell it and call it a day. Any advice?
    Sell. Never been a land lord, but the only thing harder than being a landlord I can imagine is trying to do it from another county.

    6. Based on other threads, after I get married, I’m responsible for my own move to Japan and the corps will pay for my move to his next duty station, am I correct?
    Depending on his rank he may not be able to have accompanied orders. If he is eligible and they are able to convert to accompanied it would likely add a year onto his commitment in Japan. My understanding is moving cost to Japan would be on you. If you are married I would assume you would be on his next set of orders if they can be accompanied.

    Side note- I was raised Lutheran and DB is Baptist. Huge difference. Like you guys, the options were either one person yields or you sort of practice your faith separately (with kids that would even more of a challenge). I actually attend Baptist church now which is great (I get to wear jeans just kidding but for real). I would hash the religion discussion out. It's great if he loves you and wants to marry you but if you need to revisit the religion issue over and over again long term it will take a toll on your relationship. Good luck, I hope it works out!
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    #5
    I’m planning to sell most of my stuff or donate them to Red Cross thrift store. He’s an O if it matters. So far we agreed to go to each other church with some boundaries. I won’t receive communion other than at Catholic Church and he won’t receive any when he goes to my church. People at his church always dress fancy when they go to the mass. They were staring at me when I go to their mass and wore a mantilla to cover my head. Lol He agreed our future kids to be raised as a Catholic, that’s why I’m going to say yes. Thank you for your kind advice.
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    Quote Originally Posted by valleygirl17 View Post
    After almost 4 years doing long distance, Mr.Marine finally brought up the subject of marriage, because frankly both of us agreed we canít do more long distance. We talked about finances, kids, conflict resolution, communication, our goals, etc. Basically we had our ďpreĒ pre Cana class. We reached an impasse when we talk about how we will raise our kids. Iím a catholic, heís a Baptist. I want my kids to be raised as a Catholic, go to catholic school and follow the church traditions. I ended the relationship because its important for me. I cried for a week. Fast forward a couple months, he called me on my birthday. He told me he loves me and wants to get back together with an intention for us to get married before he gets his new orders. ( I doubt heíll get Japan again). I told him we can talk about this when I visit japan for holiday. I know i will say yes because heís the right man for me. 3 weeks till I meet him and suddenly Iím scared. Am I being immature? I have some questions and concerns.

    1. Prenup. Divorce isnít an option for us but my parents insist my future husband must sign a prenup. I donít know how to bring this subject up, I donít want to offend him.
    2. Iím waiting to get approval for my australian citizenship application, it will take 6 months. My home country doesnít recognise dual citizenship, so to make life easier in the future, I applied for Australian citizenship. Will my status as a foreigner affect his security clearance?
    3. Finances. How do you guys do your finances? Mr.marine has some student loan debt and when I offered to help him pay, he gets upset.
    4. I have to quit my job after we get married. At the moment I have more income than him, I feel sad to leave this job but I guess I donít have much choice, eh? How do you keep your sanity?
    5. Iím still deciding what am I going to do with my house in Melbourne. Rent it out or sell it and call it a day. Any advice?
    6. Based on other threads, after I get married, Iím responsible for my own move to Japan and the corps will pay for my move to his next duty station, am I correct?

    Anything else I need to know about marrying someone in the military? He has one year left in Japan but I need to know what to expect before I say yes. I would like to say thank you in advance for any advice, thoughts, or comments.
    1. If you are mature enough to make a decision to get married, you are mature enough to respectfully tell your parents that a pre-nup isn't right for you. What will happen if you just tell them, gently, no?

    OTOH, if the relationship is solid enough that marriage is a good idea, you should be able to have difficult conversations with him. So the first question you need to answer is "do YOU want a pre-nup"? Not "do your parents, and you don't want to offend them"? If so, why? And if you can answer that question, then that's how you bring it up. Explain the "why" part to him.

    2. People with spouses with foreign citizenship get clearances all the time. It will make the process longer, but it won't hurt him, especially since you aren't Chinese or Russian or Cuban.

    3. All money is our money. Thankfully, we have very similar spending styles and philosophies, so we have never needed anything beyond that. If they weren't we'd probably have agreed on a set amount that we each got per month for spending money (and a basic outline of what was inside and outside that line).

    4.Just make sure you are prepared for this. It was way harder than I thought it would be to give up my salary and ability to be self-sufficient (even though I don't need to be). And make sure, if you do get a pre-nup, you take this in to account when agree to what a post-divorce reality would look like.

    5. Being an international landlord sucks. I'd likely sell unless the finances are incredibly unattractive to do so.

    6. If you are on his orders when issued, they should pay for you to move. (This *MAY* be dependent on whether you get command sponsorship for Japan. Im not sure about that part and you'd need to confirm. But if you plan to move there, you basically need to go the sponsorship route if you want to be legal. There are a few exceptions, but essentially, you need sponsorship because you'd be staying longer than a tourist visa allows. Sponsorship requires a medical screen, among other things and can take several months. Read up on threads here about the process, and have all your medical stuff ready to go. I'm not sure how you'd do a screen coming from another country as typically you have to go meet with a military doctor, but I'm sure there's a process. Also, if he only has one year left, he may not qualify to get sponsorship for you--he needs to ask if there is a minimum-- in which case you may not be able to move there at all (between the visa problem and the fact that if he's on unaccompanied orders, he may have to live in barracks.)
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #7
    Don't worry about offending him.
    "I don't know about the laws in Australia. Talk to a lawyer. There may be easier ways to protect the land.
    Putting them in a trust, for example.
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleMsSunshine View Post
    I think it's really funny when people come on here, and automatically assume that everyone here is a gung-ho, hoo-rah, i-bleed-red-white-and-blue, kiss-my-military-ass, people-in-uniform-can-do-no-wrong, and i'm-entitled-to-everything bitch.
    "RIP Blackie, and Whitey, New Whitey. Goodbye Poopers and Momma Beige and Lady Grey. New Blackie and the Whitey Sisters rule the roost now!"
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    #8
    And the idea that divorce is not an option?
    So if at some point he turns into an abusive drunk who is molesting your kids?
    Still going to stay with him?
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleMsSunshine View Post
    I think it's really funny when people come on here, and automatically assume that everyone here is a gung-ho, hoo-rah, i-bleed-red-white-and-blue, kiss-my-military-ass, people-in-uniform-can-do-no-wrong, and i'm-entitled-to-everything bitch.
    "RIP Blackie, and Whitey, New Whitey. Goodbye Poopers and Momma Beige and Lady Grey. New Blackie and the Whitey Sisters rule the roost now!"
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    #9
    I'm assuming you have a citizenship other than Australian or American, and are trying to become an Australian citizen and he is a US Service member. Correct?

    Why do you think becoming an Australian citizen will make it easier?

    It also seems like a huge jump to go from breaking up to engaged within a few weeks. Why the sudden rush? I would be very skeptical of a sudden 180 change in behaviour and/or attitudes towards a *Big* thing, and religion to me is a big thing. Will he resent you down the line? You both seemed steadfast in your commitment to remaining in your respective faiths, have you asked him why he changed his mind? I would honestly start there before any pre-nup talk etc.

    Also, have you talked about what you will do once you move to be with him? Once the novelty wears off, it can suck to sit at home alone unemployed. What's your game plan there? And since you will not be working, do you have enough of a safety net to support yourself should things go south?

    I don't know, maybe I'm old and bitter, but quitting your job and moving to another country for a man you broke up with seems like a terrible idea.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by CDNTrish View Post
    I'm assuming you have a citizenship other than Australian or American, and are trying to become an Australian citizen and he is a US Service member. Correct?

    Why do you think becoming an Australian citizen will make it easier?

    It also seems like a huge jump to go from breaking up to engaged within a few weeks. Why the sudden rush? I would be very skeptical of a sudden 180 change in behaviour and/or attitudes towards a *Big* thing, and religion to me is a big thing. Will he resent you down the line? You both seemed steadfast in your commitment to remaining in your respective faiths, have you asked him why he changed his mind? I would honestly start there before any pre-nup talk etc.

    Also, have you talked about what you will do once you move to be with him? Once the novelty wears off, it can suck to sit at home alone unemployed. What's your game plan there? And since you will not be working, do you have enough of a safety net to support yourself should things go south?

    I don't know, maybe I'm old and bitter, but quitting your job and moving to another country for a man you broke up with seems like a terrible idea.
    Just because you are old and bitter, it doesn't make you wrong.
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleMsSunshine View Post
    I think it's really funny when people come on here, and automatically assume that everyone here is a gung-ho, hoo-rah, i-bleed-red-white-and-blue, kiss-my-military-ass, people-in-uniform-can-do-no-wrong, and i'm-entitled-to-everything bitch.
    "RIP Blackie, and Whitey, New Whitey. Goodbye Poopers and Momma Beige and Lady Grey. New Blackie and the Whitey Sisters rule the roost now!"
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