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Thread: Relationship advice?

  1. Old Newbie
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    #1

    Relationship advice?

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    My soldier came home for leave for a couple of weeks. I started noticing something was off before about 2-3 weeks prior. As soon as he arrived he seemed completely off? He was being distant, he seemed to be avoiding me, awkward around me too. I finally confronted him about something being off because when he came home for HBL he was great, he was all over me, lovable and everything. He finally told me that he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to loose me but he lost affection for me( I took it as he didn’t love me anymore) we’ve only been married since December and most of it he spent at AIT! We’ve actually only spent 1 week together as a married couple. Has anyone had this happen? I’m so confused? Is this something that tends to happen.
    By the way I was ready to leave but he freaked out and he said he didn’t want me to go and he wanted to work it out. So I’m not sure. We’ve spent two days basically crying and talking with him about this whole situation.
    But I just need to know if I’m the only one?
    Is this something that happens with having a S.O. In the military?
    Please any advice, comments, ANYTHING! Thanks in advance.
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    #2
    Did he meet someone else?
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    No, this is not typical.

    This, combined with the fact that he was telling you things that don't sound true and that make it seem like he definitely doesn't want you to move with him, make me think there is a pretty major issue. Him saying he didn't want you to leave could be a good sign, or it could be a sign he wants to continue to have a wife, on paper at least, so he can get a housing allowance and live off base.

    I'd tell him that if he wants to make it work, you want to start counseling but he needs to be willing to do that, and that you will be moving to his new station as soon as he arrives, even if you have to live in a hotel with him. If he doesn't want that, I'm pretty sure he doesn't actually want to be with you, unfortunately.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #4
    Honestly, him saying he didn't want to tell you because he didn't want to lose you makes it sound like he was going to confess to cheating but then panicked and backed out.

    How long were you together before you got married? How old are you?
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by monseemona20 View Post
    My soldier came home for leave for a couple of weeks. I started noticing something was off before about 2-3 weeks prior. As soon as he arrived he seemed completely off? He was being distant, he seemed to be avoiding me, awkward around me too. I finally confronted him about something being off because when he came home for HBL he was great, he was all over me, lovable and everything. He finally told me that he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to loose me but he lost affection for me( I took it as he didn’t love me anymore) we’ve only been married since December and most of it he spent at AIT! We’ve actually only spent 1 week together as a married couple. Has anyone had this happen? I’m so confused? Is this something that tends to happen.
    By the way I was ready to leave but he freaked out and he said he didn’t want me to go and he wanted to work it out. So I’m not sure. We’ve spent two days basically crying and talking with him about this whole situation.
    But I just need to know if I’m the only one?
    Is this something that happens with having a S.O. In the military?
    Please any advice, comments, ANYTHING! Thanks in advance.
    Ouch, I know that was hard to hear.

    While it's normal for people to be distant fresh out of boot camp/basic, this is definitely NOT normal. He said he's "lost affection" and that's not normal for a brand new marriage. Maybe he realized y'all rushed and he wasn't ready? I'm not sure.

    I'm sorry, OP.




  6. Old Newbie
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    I asked him multiple times if there was someone else? He said no.
    We’ve been together for 7 years before we got married, two years of being engaged.
    We’re high school sweet hearts. We’re 23 now.
    We had a extremely long two day conversation about the entire thing.
    I asked him constantly if this is truly what he wanted ( make it work) because I didn’t want to be with someone that didn’t love me.
    We’ve never lived together because we dated all through high school and we lived with our own parents after high school and then he joined. So we’ve never actually lived together and seen how we are together by Ourselves; I don’t know if that has anything to do with it. While he’s gone and done so much and been by himself for a year; I haven’t , I’m the same as before. I don’t know if that could be it too.
    He said he wanted to make it work and that he doesn’t even know why he said it along with other things.
    As soon as he had said that of course I ran off and cried in the bathroom. He ran downstairs to his parents and told them what he had done and even they were shocked and asked why did he say that he didn’t know why he said it then either.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by monseemona20 View Post
    As soon as he had said that of course I ran off and cried in the bathroom. He ran downstairs to his parents and told them what he had done and even they were shocked and asked why did he say that he didn’t know why he said it then either.
    This paragraph alone just screams immaturity on both of your ends.

    To go back to your original post, no. This isn’t normal. I’d be heartbroken if my husband told me he lost affection for me. If he truly wants to make it work, you need to move with him. You’re married, he’s done with training, there’s no reason whatsoever you shouldn’t be living with him. Dating for 7 years and actually living together is a whole different ballgame though so expect some growing pains there. That plus him telling you that he’s lost affection for you, I suggest some serious counseling. Also, him saying “oh I don’t know why I even said that” is BS. you don’t just tell your spouse that and then say “oooops. Not sure what’s gotten into me”
  8. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by monseemona20 View Post
    I asked him multiple times if there was someone else? He said no.
    We’ve been together for 7 years before we got married, two years of being engaged.
    We’re high school sweet hearts. We’re 23 now.
    We had a extremely long two day conversation about the entire thing.
    I asked him constantly if this is truly what he wanted ( make it work) because I didn’t want to be with someone that didn’t love me.
    We’ve never lived together because we dated all through high school and we lived with our own parents after high school and then he joined. So we’ve never actually lived together and seen how we are together by Ourselves; I don’t know if that has anything to do with it. While he’s gone and done so much and been by himself for a year; I haven’t , I’m the same as before. I don’t know if that could be it too.
    He said he wanted to make it work and that he doesn’t even know why he said it along with other things.
    As soon as he had said that of course I ran off and cried in the bathroom. He ran downstairs to his parents and told them what he had done and even they were shocked and asked why did he say that he didn’t know why he said it then either.
    While I don't believe this is normal, the bolded is what happened with DH and his hs girlfriend. They were together for along time, then he joined the Navy and she went to the local college and lived at home. After he had gotten through training, moved to his first duty station, and got through a deployment, he realized just how much he had grown and changed as a person and she was still the same; he no longer found them compatible. Granted they were never married, but it sounds like you are going through what they went through.

    I'd definitely recommend counseling and trying to spend time together just doing regular things. It isn't unlikely that being apart for so long has changed your "normal"
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    #9
    Well, him telling you there isn't another girl really doesn't mean much. If it's true, that's what he'd say, but if it isn't, that probably what people say 95% of the time, too.

    In a way, it doesn't matter. If he doesn't want you to move to be with him, I really can't see how that means anything other than this is over, unfortunately. Regardless of what empty words he says, that is incredibly telling and I certainly wouldn't want anyone I care about to let themselves be treated that way. For me, that would be the line in teh sand, I move with you to your station within a week of you arriving, and you agree to go to weekly counseling for as long as it takes before we *BOTH* agree we don't need it anymore. (With the caveat being that if his schedule causes him to miss for a week, you do understand, but it has to be a valid work excuse.) If he's not willing to actually live with you, and not willing to work on the relationship, do you really even *have* a relationship?
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #10
    He lost affection for you, but doesn't want to lose you? Isn't that affection for you? I think he is full of it.

    Here are my theories: pick one or more, or none of them.
    He realized he rushed into marriage, and you are both too young for marriage.
    He cheated on you and almost told you, but backed out at the last moment (as said above)
    He heard horror stories of marriage and military wives/marriages while at ait
    He saw all those hot military women, and civilian women throwing themselves on military guys, and thinks he is missing out on that. (Not saying that military women are sluts or want to sleep with every military guy. But yes, most of them are hot. And like any work place, relationships form at work, because that is where you spend most of your time, and those are the people you spend your time with.)
    He rushed to marry you before he left, for all the wrong reasons, andthen he had time to think about it, and ...see first one above.
    He really doesn't know what he wants, but is afraid to hurt you.

    The solution is simple. Marriage counseling, where you see counselor individually and as a couple, so he can figure out what he wants and why. But if the marriage is not going to work because he is not fully committed, NOW is the time cut bait and run.
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
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