Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 25

Thread: Why did he do this

  1. Fresh Newbie
    Amycno's Avatar
    Amycno is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    8
    #1

    Why did he do this

    Advertisements
    Here’s a little back story: my boyfriend and I dated for a little over a year and have know each other a year prior to dating. Everything was okay we’d have the usual arguments and stress of starting college and being adults. He planned with me for future events like vacation to finally meet my father who has been in China due to work, my graduation dinner, and living together while we both start college. He seemed so excited for it watched me buy all this stuff new clothes for the trip and supplies. We had also been talking about him joining the army after he gets his associates so he could possibly get higher pay and my dad could help him with the recruiters and what not.
    Little did I know in March he joined the army to leave in a few months. He told two days before he would be leaving. He said he was so sorry but he kept trying to find the right time and didn’t want to make me angry with him for keeping it from me and leaving. He proposed to me that night as well telling me it will be good for us and that he felt lost in college and wanted to always do this so he could support and provide for me now. I have always supported him going into the army I think it’s a great idea especially if he felt lost I’m just upset he never told me and made all these plans but was never going to keep them. I know that he loves me and he’s always had this thing about wanting to actually provide for me so we can start our future together. I also know that he has always been to himself about his problems and choices. I know he was going back an forth between going and staying as well.
    I know he meant the proposal because he doesnt take marriage lightly and never says what he doesn’t mean of course until now because of all the plans we made are now ruined.
    Also, he had the best contract for the job he wanted and there were no raises for the job even if he was an officer. Plus, if he would’ve waited it would’ve been a longer time away from me.

    This is all surreal. I feel like I’m watching a movie but it’s me and I want to just rewind back to March and tell him to tell me.
  2. Senior Member
    Margot31's Avatar
    Margot31 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    896
    #2
    Ask him....we can't tell you what he is thinking. I know that is hard to swollow but we just can't. One thing with the military if you get married while he is in yes plans are made and plans can be broken....trust me i just spent the last 8 months with plans for them to be broken.....the military is not as forgiving as "well wait we had plans...." they won't say "oh I didn't know we will just postpone deployment so you can do your plans.

    You need to just talk to him. Honestly sounds like sure maybe he did want to go and all but something must have changed in his mind and how he was feeling. But talking to him is going to be better vs us trying to read his mind.
  3. Fresh Newbie
    Amycno's Avatar
    Amycno is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    8
    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Margot31 View Post
    Ask him....we can't tell you what he is thinking. I know that is hard to swollow but we just can't. One thing with the military if you get married while he is in yes plans are made and plans can be broken....trust me i just spent the last 8 months with plans for them to be broken.....the military is not as forgiving as "well wait we had plans...." they won't say "oh I didn't know we will just postpone deployment so you can do your plans.

    You need to just talk to him. Honestly sounds like sure maybe he did want to go and all but something must have changed in his mind and how he was feeling. But talking to him is going to be better vs us trying to read his mind.
    Heís in basic training now I have no idea if Iíll even hear from him because my mom might throw away his letters if he sends any.
  4. "...now do Classical Gas"
    Matchbox's Avatar
    Matchbox is offline
    "...now do Classical Gas"
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Posts
    1,299
    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Amycno View Post
    He’s in basic training now I have no idea if I’ll even hear from him because my mom might throw away his letters if he sends any.
    Why would your mother throw his letters out? She doesn’t like him?

    Does she normally get to go through mail addressed to you before you can see it?
    If I cannot move heaven, I will raise hell
  5. Fresh Newbie
    Amycno's Avatar
    Amycno is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    8
    #5
    Sadly yes she does go through the mail before I can get to it. She used to like him but then he didnít tell me he about his plans and I was broken hearted about him leaving so she hates him now.
  6. Senior Member
    Medic2Doula's Avatar
    Medic2Doula is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Location
    San Diego, CA
    Posts
    1,330
    #6
    It doesn't sound like he would be at the stage where he is allowed to send letters anyway.
    I am going to say some harsh things, all coming from a loving place.
    1. He probably didn't tell you because you are obsessing over it. He was probably nervous enough and didn't need to add your ball of emotions to it.
    2. Get off the computer/phone/tablet, and go for a walk outside. You are obsessing and if you try to be miserable, miserable you will be. I have walked this walk so I'm not giving you advice I wouldn't have given to myself/didn't receive.

    I was given advice to obsess over something healthy, I worked out over an hour a day, focus on things that you can improve in your life.

    "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. "
  7. Senior Member
    CDNTrish's Avatar
    CDNTrish is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    6,435
    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    It doesn't sound like he would be at the stage where he is allowed to send letters anyway.
    I am going to say some harsh things, all coming from a loving place.
    1. He probably didn't tell you because you are obsessing over it. He was probably nervous enough and didn't need to add your ball of emotions to it.
    2. Get off the computer/phone/tablet, and go for a walk outside. You are obsessing and if you try to be miserable, miserable you will be. I have walked this walk so I'm not giving you advice I wouldn't have given to myself/didn't receive.

    I was given advice to obsess over something healthy, I worked out over an hour a day, focus on things that you can improve in your life.

    "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. "
    STRONGLY DISAGREE. Obviously she's "obsessing" over the guy she is dating NOT TELLING HER IS HE IN THE ARMY AND LEAVING FOR BASIC TRAINING. Saying he didn't tell her because she's obsessing over it, is incredibly rude and unnecessary. He had 2 months (more or less) to tell her this huge, life-altering, plan-changing, news, but waited until TWO days before he left.

    Honestly, I would think long and hard if this was someone I wanted to settle down with. This isn't a white lie, this a very large omission of a major life-decision.
  8. Senior Member
    Medic2Doula's Avatar
    Medic2Doula is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Location
    San Diego, CA
    Posts
    1,330
    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by CDNTrish View Post
    STRONGLY DISAGREE. Obviously she's "obsessing" over the guy she is dating NOT TELLING HER IS HE IN THE ARMY AND LEAVING FOR BASIC TRAINING. Saying he didn't tell her because she's obsessing over it, is incredibly rude and unnecessary. He had 2 months (more or less) to tell her this huge, life-altering, plan-changing, news, but waited until TWO days before he left.

    Honestly, I would think long and hard if this was someone I wanted to settle down with. This isn't a white lie, this a very large omission of a major life-decision.
    Maybe my wording is wrong? I'm going off of four similar posts and saying she cannot eat and crying all the time. Am I insensitive? I agree it was a shitty thing to do, he definitely should have told her. I don't think bringing herself to this point is healthy, I'm speculating on why he didn't tell her. If he is already gone, the initial shock of him telling her is over and now it's more sadness that he did? Am I wrong?

    I think we can agree living this way is unhealthy, and perhaps I was wrong to speculate. I agree I would question keeping that relationship going, but the last time I questioned someone's relationship I got my head bitten off.
  9. Senior Member
    CDNTrish's Avatar
    CDNTrish is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    6,435
    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    Maybe my wording is wrong? I'm going off of four similar posts and saying she cannot eat and crying all the time. Am I insensitive? I agree it was a shitty thing to do, he definitely should have told her. I don't think bringing herself to this point is healthy, I'm speculating on why he didn't tell her. If he is already gone, the initial shock of him telling her is over and now it's more sadness that he did? Am I wrong?

    I think we can agree living this way is unhealthy, and perhaps I was wrong to speculate. I agree I would question keeping that relationship going, but the last time I questioned someone's relationship I got my head bitten off.
    That's fair. I just don't think it's fair to tell OP he didn't tell her because of her reaction, you know? I'm sure she's reacting this way because he didn't tell her. I just can't wrap my head around someone making these other plans with her knowing he was about to leave for basic training. It's not like he forgot to tell her he had plans on Saturday or something trivial. Proposing after that is also mind-boggling to me.

    I think I would react similarly to OP because it's more than just adjusting to him being gone at basic, it's her having to readjust her whole life and what she thought her plans were. Also having to deal with a pretty big betrayal, IMO.

    Honestly, this is just nuts to me, I would have a hard time trusting someone after that.
  10. Fresh Newbie
    Amycno's Avatar
    Amycno is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    8
    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by CDNTrish View Post
    That's fair. I just don't think it's fair to tell OP he didn't tell her because of her reaction, you know? I'm sure she's reacting this way because he didn't tell her. I just can't wrap my head around someone making these other plans with her knowing he was about to leave for basic training. It's not like he forgot to tell her he had plans on Saturday or something trivial. Proposing after that is also mind-boggling to me.

    I think I would react similarly to OP because it's more than just adjusting to him being gone at basic, it's her having to readjust her whole life and what she thought her plans were. Also having to deal with a pretty big betrayal, IMO.

    Honestly, this is just nuts to me, I would have a hard time trusting someone after that.
    I see what you guys mean but it makes sense what she says he did tell me he felt like he couldnít tell me because Iíd be mad at him and then Iíd be even more mad for him not telling me. He never made excuses for himself the day he told me he just apologized and said how wrong and messed up it was. He said he kept trying but couldnít find the right time and he got caught up in all the plans and he wasnít even sure he wanted to go and leave me anyways. Itís all a jumble he is gone now and Iím still not over him being gone but I was very obsessed with the plans and now with this. Honestly, I see that he didnít need my reaction too because he thought Iíd get really pissed off and leave him if he went into the army right now. When I saw him leave to get on the plane in the airport he begged me not to take our engagement ring off and that he promised Iíd be with him soon. And that heís so sorry for this and he wished he could just come home with me but itís too late. It sucks he didnít tell me but at least I honk heís going for the right reasons one to get his stuff together and two to really start provinding for our future family. Maybe Iím wrong but it helped that I was told to stop obsessing and to focus on me and accomplish Hongís for myself so I have something to tell him that heíd be proud of instead of feeling guilty or disappointed that I wasted this time to really focus and work on me.
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •