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Thread: Children vs Career

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Children vs Career

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    Hello,

    I am a newly married spouse in the military and my husband is a nuke officer in the Navy. While we were engaged last year we went through a 6 month deployment together and it allowed me to see what being a military spouse is all about. I'm thankful we did it that way because it allowed me to understand why they say sometimes the hardest job in the world is being the wife/spouse of a military member. On that note, now that we are married my significant other wants to start a family as soon as possible. I want to start a family as well but I'm concerned about how we will raise a child while being in the military. My first thought was to wait until his shore tour but that is not for another two years...And my husband is on a fast attack submarine and usually has underway/deployments and duty on the boat once/twice a week where he stays overnight. We also have no family members/contacts nearby to help. I work near where we are stationed as a nurse and do the typical 12 hour shifts. I know I would have to be the one to give up my career if we did have children because I want at least 2-3 children relatively around the same age and it would save money on childcare. I'm just not sure what to do and if I'm ready to give up my career to be a stay at home mom. I do want kids and being as I'll be 29 next month I would love to start as soon as possible.

    I'm new to this world and am looking for any advice on the matter from other spouses who have been in the same situation on deciding to have kids vs career. Is it worth it to give up your career to be a stay at home Mom?
    Last edited by ladyaus; 04-28-2018 at 09:22 AM.
  2. "...now do Classical Gas"
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    #2
    Only you can decide if it’s “worth it”. Every woman values her career and her family differently, and finding a balance between them is going to have to be an individual thing.

    I have four kids. I love them to the ends of the earth. I tried being a stay at home mother because much like you I thought it would be cheaper and easier to organise, and it drove me half mad with frustration by the end of the first eight months - I NEEDED the stimulation and purpose I got from my job, I needed something to do and something to be that wasn’t “Mama”. On a personal level, I was bored and miserable without my job, and as difficult as it can be to make it work I think I’m a better mother (certainly a happier one) when I’m working. The money and the inconvenience are less of a factor than the fact that my kids get to see a happy, purposeful version of me.

    Other women have a completely different experience, and find juggling full time work with motherhood way too overwhelming and stressful; for them, giving it up is the better call for their own and their family’s wellbeing.

    There’s a third group, who cut back on work but don’t give it up entirely. Would you be able to take a part time role? Would you consider it as an option?
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    #3
    I agree with matchbox- you're the only one who can truly decide if it's worth it. For me, someone who is child-free by choice, it would never be worth it for me to give up my career and "freedom" for kids. However, for most of the world, it surely is. Only you can really look at the various aspects of your life and see if it is right.

    Something to consider is maybe you could be a stay at home mom for the first however many years until they are all in school, then go back to work? Also a friend of mine is a school nurse, so she works the same hours her kiddos are at school, so she can work AND be a "stay a home" mom in a lot of ways.

    I think there are a lot of ways to do it. I was raised by a stay at home mom which was so great, plus with childcare costs it can make a lot of sense. But I also clearly understand the moms who choose to work and find childcare whether for financial reasons or sanity. There's definitely ways to find a balance too, and maybe school nursing or working part time would be a way to have it all
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    #4
    Are you saying you are both in the military, or just him? You said you are a "spouse in the military", and "raising a child while being in the military" but the rest of the post makes it sounds like are a civilian yourself, so can you maybe clarify?

    "Worth it" is 100% a personal decision, so unfortunately, while you can get advice on things to consider, there is no right answer and you are going to have to sort this out yourself. Assuming you aren't in the service yourself, even if you have a baby on sea duty, you are still going to have to deal most likely with unpredictable schedules on his part, him not being able to call in sick if the kiddo is, etc. Sea duty doesn't fix those things.

    But plenty of people do continue successful careers with kids. It that's what you want, you can almost certainly make it happen, but you need to go into it eyes wide open and be prepared for the frustrations and sacrifices required.
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    #5
    Only you can make that choice...now I have had the pleasure of knowing people who did the stay at home mom thing for the first few years till their kids were back in school. I had a friend who went to nursing school after having her kids granted her husband was on a shore tour so could help more but now she is practicing...she has had to make a few changes once her husband went back to the fleet but the kids are in school and she is still able to do something she loves. I know other friends who still practice what they do when the kids were young...it was just their choice.

    Me I had my kids while on shore duty. I didn't want to do my first deployment with kids. I am going through my second now with a 3 year old and a 1 year old. So my kids are pretty close in age. I struggled with the idea of not working now cause I grew up with a mom who did work...but my sisters grew up with a stay at home mom. It wasn't till recent that my parents informed me that if they could have i would have had that stay at home mom thing and that they were perfectly fine with what I was doing. I do volunteer work now to keep some sanity (some has been put on hold due to daycare issues) but I am still able to do things. Once my kids are in school full time I plan on going back to work (I don't have a specific thing) but something would be nice.

    I would also say if you are on Facebook there are several groups out there for navy spouses and i think for subs too.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by ladyaus View Post
    Hello,

    I am a newly married spouse in the military and my husband is a nuke officer in the Navy. While we were engaged last year we went through a 6 month deployment together and it allowed me to see what being a military spouse is all about. I'm thankful we did it that way because it allowed me to understand why they say sometimes the hardest job in the world is being the wife/spouse of a military member. On that note, now that we are married my significant other wants to start a family as soon as possible. I want to start a family as well but I'm concerned about how we will raise a child while being in the military. My first thought was to wait until his shore tour but that is not for another two years...And my husband is on a fast attack submarine and usually has underway/deployments and duty on the boat once/twice a week where he stays overnight. We also have no family members/contacts nearby to help. I work near where we are stationed as a nurse and do the typical 12 hour shifts. I know I would have to be the one to give up my career if we did have children because I want at least 2-3 children relatively around the same age and it would save money on childcare. I'm just not sure what to do and if I'm ready to give up my career to be a stay at home mom. I do want kids and being as I'll be 29 next month I would love to start as soon as possible.

    I'm new to this world and am looking for any advice on the matter from other spouses who have been in the same situation on deciding to have kids vs career. Is it worth it to give up your career to be a stay at home Mom?
    The hardest job in the world is being a military spouse? Who told you that?


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  7. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by rayfinkle View Post
    The hardest job in the world is being a military spouse? Who told you that?
    haha old retired guys...thats who i constantly hear it from and have to bite my tongue.

    OP I agree with everyone else only you can make that choice. Personally I did give up a career with the government to get married and start a family but to me it was worth it to be with my husband in the same location and be have kids.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by rayfinkle View Post
    The hardest job in the world is being a military spouse? Who told you that?
    False.
    Lion tamer.
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    #9
    My serious response
    I am looking to go back to school for a new career at age.....in my 30s.
    I have four kids, so laying heavily on my mind is if I can do most of this school online, what do I do come graduation and child care costs an arm and a leg?
    I think having a career helps with identity. For the love of all that is holy, do not just identify as a military wife, and dear Lord, it isn't the hardest job.
    I am staying at home with my kids for the time being, and it is a pretty nice "job," climate controlled, no boss, and I have cute coworkers. I am coming from the fire/EMS field and can, in all certainty, assure you it isn't remotely close to the hardest job.

    Off of that soapbox .....
    I also will say that even when it would have been beneficial for me to go back to work, I have been able to be here for all of my youngest baby's firsts, and I am so lucky for that. I wouldn't trade it for the world, as my older two I missed a LOT.

    And although I'm all for waiting if you aren't ready, I had old parents, and now I'm really loving being able to keep up with my kids.
  10. "...now do Classical Gas"
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    False.
    Lion tamer.
    If the answer is lion tamer then I think you meant “most awesome job”?

    Clearly the HARDEST job in the world is whoever invents the slogans for all those obnoxious military themed t-shirts and bumper stickers. There are only so many ways to do it, but they have to keep churning out new ones.
    If I cannot move heaven, I will raise hell
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