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Thread: Favouritism

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    #1

    Favouritism

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    Background, we lived with my mom and dad when my oldest daughter, Evelyn, was born. So she and my mom are close. She is six. She is the first grand daughter and second grandchild, my 11 year old nephew being the first grandchild/grandson.

    My mom has been showing blatent favouritism towards Evelyn. For example, today we came in from the playground and my mom made *just Evelyn* hot chocolate. I didn't know my son hadn't gotten any because there were several people around and it just wouldn't occur to me to only make *one* child hot chocolate.
    When he woke up from the drive home he explained to me how this was unfair.

    She buys Evelyn clothes, and toys, even on other kids birthdays, she buys Evelyn presents.

    My son is constantly being told what not to do at their house by *everyone* (including my 11 year old nephew who is just plain mean to him).

    I know that he is a handful, I know they love him, but this doesn't feel right.

    How should I address this? Ask for equality? I'm not asking them to buy Charlie the moon like they do for Evelyn, and I feel bad saying I'm asking them to do less for Evelyn, but he is really starting to notice the way he is treated differently.
    “There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide”


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    #2
    I'd talk to her about it or at least bring it to her attention that not only you, but also your son have noticed that she is favoring your daughter. Due to an extremely similar situation my oldest sister was my grandmas favorite and I remember being saddened by it when we would visit and being upset at how unfair it was that my sister was constantly getting special treatment and lots of gifts. My parents never said anything, but I think it would have made me feel better just knowing that they did even if the older sibling was still the clear favorite.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Sabrina22LE View Post
    I'd talk to her about it or at least bring it to her attention that not only you, but also your son have noticed that she is favoring your daughter. Due to an extremely similar situation my oldest sister was my grandmas favorite and I remember being saddened by it when we would visit and being upset at how unfair it was that my sister was constantly getting special treatment and lots of gifts. My parents never said anything, but I think it would have made me feel better just knowing that they did even if the older sibling was still the clear favorite.
    This.

    She may not be **intending** to be so blatant, but if it’s reaching a point where Charlie thinks she doesn’t love him as much...she needs to hear that.
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    #4
    Tell her you know it’s not intentional, but she’s hurting his feelings because he’s old enough to notice now.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Heisenberg View Post
    Tell her you know it’s not intentional, but she’s hurting his feelings because he’s old enough to notice now.
    I ended up telling her these exact words. I don't think she grasps how much she does it, but it was a start. She said she doesn't know what he likes. I might see if I could drop off just him for some Grammy time while I take the girls to my youngest's doctor's appointment later this week. She related that she loves him. She wanted to solve it by going to buy him something (from the air force museum) and I suggested he would be content if he could show her how he can land the model plane on the aircraft carrier on this scale set up they have (it's hard) . Maybe that will help. He isn't all about gifts, he wants to be seen and noticed.

    I never imagined she would receive that so well though, I thought she would get defensive and it would end in an argument.

    Thanks guys
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    I ended up telling her these exact words. I don't think she grasps how much she does it, but it was a start. She said she doesn't know what he likes. I might see if I could drop off just him for some Grammy time while I take the girls to my youngest's doctor's appointment later this week. She related that she loves him. She wanted to solve it by going to buy him something (from the air force museum) and I suggested he would be content if he could show her how he can land the model plane on the aircraft carrier on this scale set up they have (it's hard) . Maybe that will help. He isn't all about gifts, he wants to be seen and noticed.

    I never imagined she would receive that so well though, I thought she would get defensive and it would end in an argument.

    Thanks guys
    So glad to hear she was receptive. It's great that she and your daughter have a special bond, but I'm sure she doesn't want to make Charlie feel less than.
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    #7
    So I talked to her about it and she had sounded all on board with improving the situation for my son....

    And today it was full speed back in the other direction. I took all four kids over after my youngest had an appointment in their neck of the woods. My mom cuddled Evelyn, she read to her, she told her how she wanted to take her shopping and doted over her drawing and was telling her about the times tables. I was chasing babies in two different directions and my son was just kind of there. She turned on Captain Underpants at the kid's request and doted on my daughter's singing (there is one song that they both sing along to) even though Charlie knows all the words.
    Maybe it is a lost cause, and maybe it will be better for all of us to be in California.
    She teased the kids with making cookies, but after letting them get out all of the cookie cutters, she proclaimed that she didn't have the counter space. They built a new house and she has already taken it over with her hoarding. My dad sleeps in a guest room and gave her the master suite to fill with junk.... I'll stop now, I'm getting bitter :-/
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    So I talked to her about it and she had sounded all on board with improving the situation for my son....

    And today it was full speed back in the other direction. I took all four kids over after my youngest had an appointment in their neck of the woods. My mom cuddled Evelyn, she read to her, she told her how she wanted to take her shopping and doted over her drawing and was telling her about the times tables. I was chasing babies in two different directions and my son was just kind of there. She turned on Captain Underpants at the kid's request and doted on my daughter's singing (there is one song that they both sing along to) even though Charlie knows all the words.
    Maybe it is a lost cause, and maybe it will be better for all of us to be in California.
    She teased the kids with making cookies, but after letting them get out all of the cookie cutters, she proclaimed that she didn't have the counter space. They built a new house and she has already taken it over with her hoarding. My dad sleeps in a guest room and gave her the master suite to fill with junk.... I'll stop now, I'm getting bitter :-/
    I'm so sorry It sounds like you already have a strained relationship with your mom so this isn't helping things. I was going to comment sooner but you had so many positive/upbeat posts about broaching the subject nicely and making changes I didn't bother...my ex-husband favored our first born BY FAR. We split up before the second child was born but on his "days" with the kids he would only take the older one because (and this was HIS wording) "the older one is more fun and can do fun things because he's older" some people just blatantly show favoritism and you can't change it ever...

    I experienced (growing up as the only granddaughter) being the favorite grand child...my grandparents would take me on a week vacation every year, we lived in the same town as them so they had me for sleepovers and weekends all the time, I grew up with them. My cousins (I had 3 younger boy cousins) did not live in the same town and my grandparents didn't put the same effort into bonding with them, they didn't take them for a week straight, or go to a resort with them). I asked my mom about it when I was a teen because I could tell they spent a lot more time (and money) on me than my cousins, and well my cousins had a lot of family on the OTHER side that lived in their town and apparently they were just "too much of a handful" for my grandparents to handle on their own. Whereas I was easy, polite, well behaved and easy for them to handle so I got to do more with them on my own...

    I'm not saying any favoritism is right but I think when it's glaringly obvious it's unlikely to change...
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by AMP1984 View Post
    I'm so sorry It sounds like you already have a strained relationship with your mom so this isn't helping things. I was going to comment sooner but you had so many positive/upbeat posts about broaching the subject nicely and making changes I didn't bother...my ex-husband favored our first born BY FAR. We split up before the second child was born but on his "days" with the kids he would only take the older one because (and this was HIS wording) "the older one is more fun and can do fun things because he's older" some people just blatantly show favoritism and you can't change it ever...

    I experienced (growing up as the only granddaughter) being the favorite grand child...my grandparents would take me on a week vacation every year, we lived in the same town as them so they had me for sleepovers and weekends all the time, I grew up with them. My cousins (I had 3 younger boy cousins) did not live in the same town and my grandparents didn't put the same effort into bonding with them, they didn't take them for a week straight, or go to a resort with them). I asked my mom about it when I was a teen because I could tell they spent a lot more time (and money) on me than my cousins, and well my cousins had a lot of family on the OTHER side that lived in their town and apparently they were just "too much of a handful" for my grandparents to handle on their own. Whereas I was easy, polite, well behaved and easy for them to handle so I got to do more with them on my own...

    I'm not saying any favoritism is right but I think when it's glaringly obvious it's unlikely to change...
    Part of me is wondering if she remembered the conversation at all.... I know she is slipping

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