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Thread: I'm struggling

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    Paigem54's Avatar
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    #1

    I'm struggling

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    Hey guys.
    I'm having a bit of a problem. I'm supposed to be moving in with my boyfriend of 5 years in about 2 months. We haven't been able to make many plans, as he's been in Texas for training. My biggest issue is that his home base is in Montana.
    1. I'm worried about moving away from my life and the friends I have made here in Michigan.
    2. I'm an English major and I want to work in publishing. I'm graduating from college this May, when is also when I'm supposed to move. And I know I'm most likely not going to find a job in my chosen career in Montana. The kicker is, I probably wouldn't have much luck here in Michigan either. I either need to be on the far west coast or the far East to really succeed in what I want to do
    3. I'm just terrified of moving. I've never moved out of Michigan before and to move so far away is really scary.
    4. I know if I don't move, our relationship isn't going to survive another year of long distance we've been apart more than we've been together, it's been 3 almost 4 years of this and neither of us can handle it anymore. It hurts too much.
    5. Boyfriend is worried about me moving because he knows I won't find a job in my chosen career and thinks I will be miserable. For some reason, he keeps talking about how he will "have to take care of me" which actually makes me mad. I've been pretty independent most of my life and nobody has ever needed to care for me since I turned 20. I currently work at Starbucks, and the only reason for that is so I can transfer stores to the one in Montana so I'm pretty much guaranteed work.
    Has anyone else suffered these fears before? I guess feeling this way is normal. I'm just afraid of moving and it either not working out or he gets deployed and then I'm really screwed.
    He keeps telling me that we're fine and we're going to figure it out and to stop worrying about it. But how can I stop worrying and thinking about something that is going to change my life? I know moving will be a great personal growing experience, but I'm just freaking scared.
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    #2
    It tough. My career has been sacrificed on the altar of the military. It sucks and it is a true emotional struggle for me. I'm not sure I'll ever be 100% okay with it. Basically, we will have lived overseas for essentially almost 10 years straight. During that time, there has been basically no opportunity for me to work at a professional level. And now when we return, it will have been so long and I will be old enough that I think there's little chance of recovering.

    Some people do fine. They live in one place for a long time, or they manage to get great job immediately upon moving. It's certainly a possibility. But so is the opposite. And you and he will have little control over it, unless you choose to live apart for years at a time. So really, I think you have to ask yourself which one is more comfortable for you to sacrifice--your boyfriend or your dream career. If you are lucky, you can have both, but you can't count on that luck.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #3
    I can empathize with a lot you said, my career is likely dead (due to a few contributing factors).
    It hurts to put years into something to feel your time has been a waste (it's not a waste but that's how it feels sometimes).
    Long distance sucks too, dh and I were when he was in A school, Japan for 3.5 years, and San Diego for one.
    The concerning part for me was when you said your relationship couldn't survive it. So if you have to be on either coast, are you telling him he has to move with you or it's over?
    I mean, if long distance for another year will kill the relationship, what else will? Are you going to run across something else that will break you apart? This is a compromise, but like others in life it isn't one you can easily meet halfway. Can you be a publisher remotely?

    Is it really the distance? or is it a lack of communication or something that you guys can work on? Is there a way to make the worst possible scenario to you work? If you go on with him and build a life, there will be higher hills than distance (for us, we had a sick premie and were dirt floor poor on several occasions).

    I promise to end this soon.... but let me tell you this....
    When I graduated I begged dh not to reenlist. He joined me when I was a firefighter in GA and got out. He went to school and tried to be an auto mechanic, he went back to school for computers (networking something internet jargon) and he tried, but he does not thrive outside of the military. He went reserves for two years, and it was SO HARD to get back active for him (seriously, I've been posting about it here for the past year). So I'm just throwing it out there, dh is someone who does better in the military, if your db is anything like him, I'm just throwing it out there so you know it's a possibility.
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    #4
    I couldn't do it. I need a career to feel satisfied, and I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with that. You can love a person to death, but if you are unhappy with not working in your field, you will be miserable, and setting yourself up for failure. I would think long and hard on whether or not this is the right move for you.

    Also, didn't you just post that you were annoyed with his drinking? Do you think it will stop and/or get better when you move to be with him?
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Paigem54 View Post
    Hey guys.
    I'm having a bit of a problem. I'm supposed to be moving in with my boyfriend of 5 years in about 2 months. We haven't been able to make many plans, as he's been in Texas for training. My biggest issue is that his home base is in Montana.
    1. I'm worried about moving away from my life and the friends I have made here in Michigan.
    2. I'm an English major and I want to work in publishing. I'm graduating from college this May, when is also when I'm supposed to move. And I know I'm most likely not going to find a job in my chosen career in Montana. The kicker is, I probably wouldn't have much luck here in Michigan either. I either need to be on the far west coast or the far East to really succeed in what I want to do
    3. I'm just terrified of moving. I've never moved out of Michigan before and to move so far away is really scary.
    4. I know if I don't move, our relationship isn't going to survive another year of long distance we've been apart more than we've been together, it's been 3 almost 4 years of this and neither of us can handle it anymore. It hurts too much.
    5. Boyfriend is worried about me moving because he knows I won't find a job in my chosen career and thinks I will be miserable. For some reason, he keeps talking about how he will "have to take care of me" which actually makes me mad. I've been pretty independent most of my life and nobody has ever needed to care for me since I turned 20. I currently work at Starbucks, and the only reason for that is so I can transfer stores to the one in Montana so I'm pretty much guaranteed work.
    Has anyone else suffered these fears before? I guess feeling this way is normal. I'm just afraid of moving and it either not working out or he gets deployed and then I'm really screwed.
    He keeps telling me that we're fine and we're going to figure it out and to stop worrying about it. But how can I stop worrying and thinking about something that is going to change my life? I know moving will be a great personal growing experience, but I'm just freaking scared.
    You posted a very similar thread, Is it okay to feel scared?, only a couple of months ago. You have a lot of valid reservations about moving. I believe you need to wait. Moving in together because you can't stand to be apart is not a good enough reason. I experienced a lot of your fears when I moved to my husband's first duty station after being long distance over a year. It put a huge strain on our marriage. Save yourself the heartache and wait.




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    #6
    I'm not saying that he would have to move here, that's pretty much impossible. And it really is the distance. We see each other once every 3 months and saying goodbye just keeps getting harder. We don't want to do it anymore, because it just keeps getting harder as the years go on. We're just tired of constantly missing each other, honestly.
    He did this training specifically to get out of Montana and it didn't work because he didn't get a new base. He wanted to get out of Montana so we could have a better life and we could both get what we wanted, but that didn't work out.
    We know we need to work on communication, but with him being in this course and not having much time we haven't had time to work on us, persay. He's currently on his way back to Montana as I type this and we're supposed to have a serious conversation about all of this when he gets there. Which probably won't be until tomorrow or Saturday.
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    #7
    Honestly, I think you know the answer, but you're not ready to face it yet. I don't mean that in a bad way. I knew in December/January that I probably wanted to break up with my ex, and it took me until May to do it. My gut was telling me pretty clearly what I had to do, just needed my head to catch up to it.
  8. I've got 32 flavors of that bootylicious bubblegum.
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    #8
    I recommend everyone should move away from home at some point in their life. and I would totally live in Montana.


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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by CDNTrish View Post
    Honestly, I think you know the answer, but you're not ready to face it yet. I don't mean that in a bad way. I knew in December/January that I probably wanted to break up with my ex, and it took me until May to do it. My gut was telling me pretty clearly what I had to do, just needed my head to catch up to it.
    hit the nail on the head.
    There is no shame in breaking up with someone when it just isn't going to work, he can be a nice guy, you can care about him, but it's okay to know it's best to walk away.
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    #10
    I definitely understand having a dream job/field, but unfortunately with the military that can be tricky. I had a "dream job" that was also very location specific. While I wasn't able to pursue that (for numerous reasons), I do think there are ways to make the best of it. I have a great career, and really really love what I do, even though it is completely different from what I imagined I would be doing. Being a military spouse doesn't mean your career needs to be "dead", you just need to adapt and make the best of it. I hate the idea that military spouses cannot have thriving careers, I would be lost without it.

    And I agree with a lot of what is being said here. If you are really uncertain, don't rush it. I know it's appealing to be done distance and be together (we've all been there), but you don't want to have any regrets or any resentment when you do get out there because that can wreck havoc on your relationship as well.

    Also I'm with rayfinkle- I strongly believe everyone should move, and Montana sounds awesome to me
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