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Thread: Am I Being Overly Sensitive, Or Is It Just Not A Good Fit?

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    #1

    Am I Being Overly Sensitive, Or Is It Just Not A Good Fit?

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    Many people on here probably already know about my custody and income situation. I just want to get some opinions on the vibes I'm getting from my LDL. He generally isn't a paragraph responder, if you know what I mean, but I'm just getting bad vibes from him. It's good when we're together, but when we're apart I feel like crap and not getting my emotions met.

    I'm not extremely mushy lovey or sad all the time. But, when I do message him and talk about things where I want support, or try to say anything cute it's completely ignored. I sent a care package of a beanie that he lost (and other generally cool/useful/cute stuff) and all he said was "holy f* good thing I didn't buy that beanie" Like no thanks or anything. I tried talking about other stuff too and what it meant to me but he like blew it off and talked about work.

    Lately it'd be: I'd say something at night, and then the next day he'd just be like I'm tired and don't want to go to work. Or if I say something his reply is super short and the next thing is about work. I can't tell if it's just his personality type to just start the day new and ignore what I said, or not talk about the future or worry about things, or if he's losing interest/not a good fit or what.

    I just don't feel as connected before and I want it to work but he says if I keep mentioning it then we won't work. So I'm like losing interest and losing trust in telling him what's going on and/or how he or other things make me feel because he seems to get annoyed or has no input at all.
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    #2
    If I felt like my presence was annoying to my SO (long distance or otherwise), he would no longer be my SO. I say trust your gut instinct and go from there.

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    #3
    This certainly doesn't seem like a relationship where I'd be saving up thousands of dollars and planning to try to uproot my child from a placw where she has an involved second parent.

    The worst part, to me, is that when you mention issues, not only does he not want to work through them together, but he basically tries to manipulate you in to not talking about them by claiming they make it worse.
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    #4
    You talk about this man a lot, but I can’t remember a single comment you’ve made referencing him where you actually sound happy.

    Why are you with him if he doesn’t make you happy?
    If I cannot move heaven, I will raise hell
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    #5
    I’m one that typically only posts when I want advice - so I’m hoping you’re like that too. There’s nothing to post or ask when everything awesome and normal it’s the one offs that you post about. If this is his new norm to be dismissive and short I’d be concerned. Your needs have to get met for the relationship to work - whether you’re emotional or not your personality shapes your needs. Every persons needs might be different. If his actions aren’t meeting your needs and when you try to discuss this he won’t make adjustments that’s a red flag to me. Especially if you’re planning on moving with your child to be with this person.

    I would at the very least proceed with caution...
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    #6
    Have you talked to him specifically about how this makes you feel? I do feel like some people just aren’t great communicators over text or on the phone. My boyfriend is kind of like that too, when we’re texting he doesn’t usually give me long in depth responses that I want but in person he’s much more talkative. We’ve had some issues there when he’s away for work but when I bring it up and remind him that I need more than that, he tries to fix it. We just have different communication styles by nature so it’s taken some compromise on each end.

    If he doesn’t try to meet your needs though, id say it’s just an incompatibility. If he’s staying in the military, your separations aren’t gonna end when you move in with him. I def wouldn’t make all that effort to move to somebody (especially if I had a child to worry about) if I wasn’t completely happy with them at that time. You’re the only one risking anything there, it’s not a good idea if you’re questioning things.
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    #7
    When dh was in Japan he would respond with one liners and once snapped at me for sending him princess sheets (he asked for sheets and I have a weird sense of humor). He explained to me (years later) that he would check his email in the morning and if he opened something that was too long to respond to, he would close it and tell himself he would respond later, when he would gp later he would have nothing "unread" so sometimes he would forget.
    He also snapped at me because (this is not making it okay, just explaining why) he was comfortable with me, where as if he snapped at his supervisor when his supervisor was the source of his frustration, he would get in trouble. He knew I wouldn't leave him over him getting pissy (don't think I didn't say something to him over it).
    Sometimes the time change made me catch him at his "I just got out of bed after three hours of sleep" stage while I was at my most chipper.

    Are all of your communications through email/text? If so, tone can be hard to convey. Maybe by, "good thing I didn't buy that beanie," he was trying to express his gratitude that you sent him something he was looking for and wanted and considered replacing.

    He could just not be really good at communication. Dh was like this, it takes work on their part to make time for what we find important, but also takes understanding on our part when he is working so many hours (dh once worked 22 hours (preinspection), and I was informed by a classmate that he was lying to me about his work load because of labor laws ) that maybe he physically cannot give you long winded responses, he might NEED to sleep while he can, or grab food while he can.

    I don't know him or his situation, and I'm not here to make excuses for anyone being a shitty partner, but I just wanted to give him some benefit of the doubt. Personally, I would ask him to either feed your communication need a little more, or explain why if it isn't possible.
    Last edited by Medic2Doula; 02-19-2018 at 09:55 AM. Reason: forgot stuff
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    #8
    From all the things you've posted about this guy I think I would be cutting ties and finding a relationship that was more fulfilling and felt more two sided. I know that I'm worth more than being an after thought and unappreciated so I would find someone who believed the same things.


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    #9
    I really like everyone's advice. I just can't tell if it's his communication style but I also see Medic2Doula's side about communication. I think it's more of my needs not being met while being LD. He does send me gifts and says some random compliments it's just when I feel like I need him he's not there. Which in my previous relationship I'm used to having to ask permission to do things and never get out and always be alone and cheated on. So it's hard because my current DB still generally can be supportive time to time but if it's not during a good time or mood for him he snaps. He just always says I need to have more confidence in myself. He makes me happy in other outlets just in support it's not good.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by LoveConquers View Post
    I really like everyone's advice. I just can't tell if it's his communication style but I also see Medic2Doula's side about communication. I think it's more of my needs not being met while being LD. He does send me gifts and says some random compliments it's just when I feel like I need him he's not there. Which in my previous relationship I'm used to having to ask permission to do things and never get out and always be alone and cheated on. So it's hard because my current DB still generally can be supportive time to time but if it's not during a good time or mood for him he snaps. He just always says I need to have more confidence in myself. He makes me happy in other outlets just in support it's not good.
    So something to throw out there (and I'm in no way justifying bad behavior, part of a relationship is supporting your SO) but it's not the other person's job to make you happy. Your SO can make you laugh, make you smile, but it's YOUR job to make yourself happy. It's like that cup thing, you have to fill your own cup because if you try to fill your cup with your SOs water then you end up emptying his cup in order to fill yours - you both need your own filled cups to start with. I'm pretty sure there was a more eloquent way to express that but hopefully someone gets what I am saying. You are 2 people and you're both responsible for your own happiness - you just come together to enjoy life and experience your journey together but it's not anyone's responsibility to make you happy, that comes from within.

    Maybe this is what your DB is trying to tell you by saying you need more confidence, maybe he's trying to express that you need to find happiness within yourself so you don't need to rely on him to be happy.
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