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Thread: Overly complicated

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    #1

    Overly complicated

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    I met him last July, he was going through a divorce so I wasn't in any hurry to start a relationship with him, but we had great chemistry and enjoyed spending time together. He left for a 4 month deployment in August and we decided we'd stay in contact. But did not discuss where we were in the relationship. I have been previously led on through a deployment so did not have intentions of committing to him until he was home if things were still going well. I had gone on a date with another guy in September and told him, he was very upset about it so we discussed things and decided we were only talking to each other. We got even closer the next few months, I sent him care packages and letters that he said he loved. I helped him through a lot of the emotional stress he was feeling. All he wanted was to get home to me. Two weeks before he was supposed to come home, his step mom passed away. So instead of coming back for a week then on a two week leave to his home state, he went straight there for a month. I tried to be there for him as much as I could while giving him space as he seemed to need it. But I could feel him pulling away as the month went on. When he finally came home, we spent a day together, it was perfect. But the next week I hardly heard from him at all so I brought up our lack of communication and that I didn't think we were on the same page anymore. He told me I was suffocating him and that he needed some space and wasn't sure if he should be in a relationship. He mentioned that he was feeling like shit because we have something special but that he doesn't know if we can last because he is getting out of the military in 5 months and will most likely be moving home. The last thing I heard from him is that he "isn't saying we can't try" he just needs to do his own thing for awhile. We have been no contact for a little over a week, though I have sent him a message telling him how I feel about him and that I understand he needs space. He still likes my instagram photos and has sent me snapchats as well. One with him holding a gift I got him while he was deployed. There are just so many factors here between a divorce, deployment, a death, being home for a month and a potential move that I don't know which if not all of those things are affecting him. He was so smitten with me and things were so great. I know I'll be okay eventually if he doesn't come around, I guess I'm just having trouble throwing away something that was so perfect, as cliche as that sounds. We both agreed that what he have isn't something you just find every day. It's all very confusing.
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    #2
    Yea... no.
    He is playing games with you. That shit doesn't fly.
    "I love you so much! You're smothering me! Give me space, but I'm still gonna lead you on!"
    Dude sounds like he is really into you---- when it's convenient for him. Having you back home sending him love while deployed, but when he is home on his turf, not convenient to have you around.
    How far is his home town from where you live? How did you meet?

    I would walk away, cold turkey. Dude doesn't value you, period.
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    #3
    He is from Texas (where he was on leave) but we both live in WA only about 25 minutes from each other.
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    Yea... no.
    He is playing games with you. That shit doesn't fly.
    "I love you so much! You're smothering me! Give me space, but I'm still gonna lead you on!"
    Dude sounds like he is really into you---- when it's convenient for him. Having you back home sending him love while deployed, but when he is home on his turf, not convenient to have you around.
    How far is his home town from where you live? How did you meet?

    I would walk away, cold turkey. Dude doesn't value you, period.
    I'm sorry.

    DH: Thank you. ME: For what, babe? DH: For being you.




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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Jetset View Post
    He is from Texas (where he was on leave) but we both live in WA only about 25 minutes from each other.
    It speaks volumes to me how he responds to stress. If he pushes you away when there is a death in his family, is that someone you want to build a life with? That could have gone so differently.
    when dh and I were dating (he too is from Texas, I am from Ohio) and he would go home instead of visiting me, he would ask me to meet him in San Antonio, if he couldn't come to me, he wanted me to come to him.

    If your best friend or little sister if you have one, was dating a guy who treated her this way, what advice would you give her?
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    #6

    You will be great, no need to worry.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jetset View Post
    I met him last July, he was going through a divorce so I wasn't in any hurry to start a relationship with him, but we had great chemistry and enjoyed spending time together. He left for a 4 month deployment in August and we decided we'd stay in contact. But did not discuss where we were in the relationship. I have been previously led on through a deployment so did not have intentions of committing to him until he was home if things were still going well. I had gone on a date with another guy in September and told him, he was very upset about it so we discussed things and decided we were only talking to each other. We got even closer the next few months, I sent him care packages and letters that he said he loved. I helped him through a lot of the emotional stress he was feeling. All he wanted was to get home to me. Two weeks before he was supposed to come home, his step mom passed away. So instead of coming back for a week then on a two week leave to his home state, he went straight there for a month. I tried to be there for him as much as I could while giving him space as he seemed to need it. But I could feel him pulling away as the month went on. When he finally came home, we spent a day together, it was perfect. But the next week I hardly heard from him at all so I brought up our lack of communication and that I didn't think we were on the same page anymore. He told me I was suffocating him and that he needed some space and wasn't sure if he should be in a relationship. He mentioned that he was feeling like shit because we have something special but that he doesn't know if we can last because he is getting out of the military in 5 months and will most likely be moving home. The last thing I heard from him is that he "isn't saying we can't try" he just needs to do his own thing for awhile. We have been no contact for a little over a week, though I have sent him a message telling him how I feel about him and that I understand he needs space. He still likes my instagram photos and has sent me snapchats as well. One with him holding a gift I got him while he was deployed. There are just so many factors here between a divorce, deployment, a death, being home for a month and a potential move that I don't know which if not all of those things are affecting him. He was so smitten with me and things were so great. I know I'll be okay eventually if he doesn't come around, I guess I'm just having trouble throwing away something that was so perfect, as cliche as that sounds. We both agreed that what he have isn't something you just find every day. It's all very confusing.
    I am so sorry you are going through this. I can tell you want to see the good side of him. When it is good, it is great, but that seems to be a very small amount of the time and you deserve better. For months you were kind to him while he was gone, sent him care packages, you were supportive of his need for emotional support and he gave you one good day and a bunch of crap.
    Would you ever treat him (or any guy you cared about) that way? If not, you need to be protective of your heart. If you aren't ready to make a decision, at least protect your heart while you are thinking about things.
    You mention cliches, here is one: "if you have to wonder if you are being treated badly.... you are."

    Are you really "throwing away something that WAS so perfect" or are you throwing away something that you WANTED to be so perfect. That can be a tough distinction to recognize but it is critical. Do you really like: him & the way he treats you ALL the time & the actual relationship you have OR do you really like what could be if only he would act right? If it is the "could be" then you need to accept that he is what he is and isn't likely to change to be that man is your fantasy. It is easier to be charming long distance or for a single day than 24/7/365.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jetset View Post
    ...but we both live in WA only about 25 minutes from each other.
    OK, Giant Flashing Neon Wrapped Red Flag.
    If he is 25 minutes away from you now and can't find time to see you, then that tells you everything you don't want to know. He should be asking to see you every minute he can before he leaves the state. Since he isn't, I know you don't want to hear this but....save yourself the pain and don't just physically let him go when he moves, emotionally let him go as soon as you can. You don't want to miss Mr. Right being focused on Mr. Can't Be Bothered.

    You will be way better than "okay eventually" - you will be pretty darn amazing... karma will make sure.
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    #7
    You say you can't throw away something so perfect. How is it "perfect" when he blows you off, doesn't make you a priority, gives you mixed signals, and can't seem to make up his mind about whether you are even worth the effort? What you thought you had was perfect; what he's shown you you actually have is pretty damn flawed and I would hope you would want better for yourself.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #8
    Thank you all for the honesty I truly appreciate it! It's nice to get an outsiders perspective. I definitely agree I need to get over it at this point, it's just hard not knowing what changed but I'll probably never know.
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    #9
    Cut your loses and walk away, it sucks to not have the closure that most people crave but he's not going to give that to you because he would rather you hang onto the tiny nibbles of hope he's sending you and be his little puppy on a string. You deserve better.


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    #10
    I'm sorry you're going through this, I think you've gotten a lot of great advice. I think the hardest part about someone not being who you thought they were is separating the IDEA of him with the reality. You miss the person he could be and the relationship you want to have. From what you are describing it sounds like in reality he left you hanging when you needed/wanted him emotionally and he gives you just enough to keep you hanging on the back burner...he doesn't want someone else to have you because he likes having the options of knowing you're there but doesn't want to commit to you - which is 100% unfair to you. I hope you're able to separate the fantasy from the reality and that will make it easier for you to move forward.
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