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Thread: NEW to Marine deployment. Are my guys behaviors normal?

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    NEW to Marine deployment. Are my guys behaviors normal?

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    Hey,

    I have been dating a guy for about 4 months and he is being deployed soon. He just left last week for pre-deployment training for a couple of months and things just have been feeling so off! Our communication has been off and he is barely contacting me. He contacted me over the weekend and his test seemed very sweet but he seems so distant and he is not making much effort to contact me. I am not sure how I am going to survive a 7 months deployment if we can't talk much over the last 2 months. I want to address this but don't really know what type of training he is doing and I don't want to be a burden. I just want to figure out if the distance is because he is trying to get his mind right or if its because of me. He did not mention not being together during his deployment or taking a break so not sure if i should bring this up or suck up all my anxiety and wait until he contacts me. What is your best advice you can offer me? I know a couple of months ago he said he was preparing for the worst because he has been cheated on during his last deployment but there should be no reason he should be putting up walls with me. I have been nothing but supportive. I know I did not handle my frustrations well at times but did address that and let him know I was all in before he left. He has always been bad with his communication and is great at compartmentalizing. I just am super anxious about it and not sure how to handle it! We didnt talk about it much before he left because he had so much to think about and do!
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    Sounds like you just need to ask him. We don't know what he is thinking or feeling. I know that is hard. But even just saying hey are you busy, trying to concentrate on what is going on at work......each of our significant others react differently to different situations. I mean mine will go quiet but doesn't mean if i ask him to talk to me or something he won't. So you just have to ask. I know it might be scary being that its only a 4 month relationship and that you don't want to sound needy and all but one thing with deployment is you still need to communicate. Or at least know how the communication will be and all. Weather or not it will be short type things or will they be willing to open up on things. My spouse can't talk to me about what is going on at work all that much so makes communication a little hard for us but we also have an understanding and such.
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    That makes sense. You are right I am scared to come off as needy and frustrated but if I at least had the right expectations this would be a different experience for me. I just need an understanding of whats going on. I think I may shoot him a text later and see if I can make that happen so we are at least on the same page. I dont think I can go days without talking to him without that understanding. That is reasonable right?
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    I think as long as both of you know what the general expectations are that is not a lot to ask for. Going in with that info is better than not having any type of communication plans set up at all and getting more hurt cause you don't know the general
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    Thanks for the advice. It seems like common sense! I didn’t think this would be as difficult as it is. I think the distance is what’s creating the fear to even have a simple conversation! It’s hard not to overthink these things
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    Quote Originally Posted by nlauren View Post
    Hey,

    I have been dating a guy for about 4 months and he is being deployed soon. He just left last week for pre-deployment training for a couple of months and things just have been feeling so off! Our communication has been off and he is barely contacting me. He contacted me over the weekend and his test seemed very sweet but he seems so distant and he is not making much effort to contact me. I am not sure how I am going to survive a 7 months deployment if we can't talk much over the last 2 months. I want to address this but don't really know what type of training he is doing and I don't want to be a burden. I just want to figure out if the distance is because he is trying to get his mind right or if its because of me. He did not mention not being together during his deployment or taking a break so not sure if i should bring this up or suck up all my anxiety and wait until he contacts me. What is your best advice you can offer me? I know a couple of months ago he said he was preparing for the worst because he has been cheated on during his last deployment but there should be no reason he should be putting up walls with me. I have been nothing but supportive. I know I did not handle my frustrations well at times but did address that and let him know I was all in before he left. He has always been bad with his communication and is great at compartmentalizing. I just am super anxious about it and not sure how to handle it! We didnt talk about it much before he left because he had so much to think about and do!
    Welcome! My DH is a Marine and he's deploying soon too. We all deal with the separations differently. When DH was fixing to leave for pre-deployment training I felt like I was pushing him away. Maybe your DB's way of handling things is to distance himself... IDK. Definitely talk to him and see where his head is at. Also, discuss a plan for communication. When my DH was at training he called daily but sometimes the conversations were short and sometimes they were long; it just depended on how much we had to talk about.




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    Quote Originally Posted by nlauren View Post
    That makes sense. You are right I am scared to come off as needy and frustrated but if I at least had the right expectations this would be a different experience for me. I just need an understanding of whats going on. I think I may shoot him a text later and see if I can make that happen so we are at least on the same page. I dont think I can go days without talking to him without that understanding. That is reasonable right?
    Standing up for yourself and clearly expressing your needs isn't needy, and if someone thinks it is, they are going to be an absolutely horrible partner. "Needy" is demanding unreasonable things. Simply wanting to know where you stand and asking someone to make contacting you somewhat of a priority isn't needy.

    Based on his other comments, it sounds like he has some serious trust issue and/or he simply isn't willing to put work into a relationship when there is little immediate pay off. This isnt' uncommon among imamture, selfish guys who, when they aren't getting laid (or at least getting to go out on weekly dates and hang out) can't be bothered. When effort is required, the bail.

    You said th tyou don't know if you can go days without talking. Depending on exactly what you mean, that may or may not be viable. Even if it isn't viable, it's okay if you decide that this makes the relationship not right for you. Nothing wrong with that. But even if it is viable, he may not be willing to do it. And depending on the type of deployment, it's not at all unusual for it to be several days at a time before they have access and time to send messages. And on top of that, given that your relationship is fairly new, it would be reasonable if he want to use some of those opportunities to contact family and friends.

    All you can do it talk about it, ask him what he thinks is reasonable and is willing to try for (acknowledging that sometimes, life might get in the way), and then decide for yourself it that works for you. You tell him what you want, he tells you what he thinks he can give, and then both of you decide if the other person's answer works for you or if you need to part ways.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    I really appreciate your long response! Ya I’m gng to definitely try and word things the best I can. Deployment is so stressful because it really disconnects you! I can see how itsnot for everybody! I think I may wait to have the convo when he gets back on his 10 day leave before deploying out. I may just lay low while he’s prepping in the pre deployment stage. I don’t he’s going to put s ton of effort in right now and it’s prob best I just be more realistic about it. He’s never been the guy for small talk....it’s different in person but while he’s training it’s just different. Everyone has a different personality and he’s def the non emotional type �� but I’ll have to figure out the best timing to talk through it again !

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