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Thread: He's been depressed...

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    #1

    He's been depressed...

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    Hi everyone!
    I'm new to the site and I joined because I just really need to be able to connect with people who understand what I'm dealing with. None of my friends get it and my family definitely doesn't and it's really frustrating.
    So, my boyfriend of 5 years has been stationed in Montana, he hates it. So, naturally he went to apply for K9 and got in! Yay!! He's currently in Texas and everything was fine until he got word that he's most likely going back to Montana. He's been really distant since and keeps saying things like, "I just don't feel like myself" or "I just feel really disconnected from everything.." and I know he's depressed, he was really counting on getting out of Montana and I feel really bad that I can't do anything! I've been trying to be positive, but to be honest, it's weighing on me too because he's been so distant. He's not the same guy that I was with a couple months ago, which I know is because he's depressed. I just don't know what to do really. Has anyone else struggled with this? What can I do?
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    #2
    The things he's saying sound like dissociation. In this case it it most likely from depression, but dissociation is a big red flag for PTSD. Do you know if he has experienced anything traumatic that may have triggered it?

    Either way just be there for him, let him know that you care, and encourage him to get out and do things he enjoys. In my own struggle with depression it was very common for me to isolate myself without realizing it. When yoh talk to him make sure he understands that you are not judging him or thinking less of him. Be patient. Possibly talk to him about seeking help from a mental health professional.
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    Hi Sabrina!
    Thank you for answering me c:
    He's never been through anything dramatic that I'm aware of. I know he has always had a difficult family life, which is what originally brought us together as friends in the first place. I just think he is used to "dealing with things on his own" which he learned from his father about "being a man" and all that jazz. I think trying to adapt to a new environment has taken it's toll on him too. I have definitely suggested him talking to somebody, but I always get the same reply that he's a man and should be able to handle these things on his own 🙄. Hopefully one day he'll get over that mentality and get the help he's needed for years because I can only do so much. Thank you so much for your advice! I just wish I could do more.
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Paigem54 View Post
    Hi Sabrina!
    Thank you for answering me c:
    He's never been through anything dramatic that I'm aware of. I know he has always had a difficult family life, which is what originally brought us together as friends in the first place. I just think he is used to "dealing with things on his own" which he learned from his father about "being a man" and all that jazz. I think trying to adapt to a new environment has taken it's toll on him too. I have definitely suggested him talking to somebody, but I always get the same reply that he's a man and should be able to handle these things on his own ��. Hopefully one day he'll get over that mentality and get the help he's needed for years because I can only do so much. Thank you so much for your advice! I just wish I could do more.
    I understand you want to be supportive and doing your best to help, but does not look like you can help, unfortunately. If he feels depressed having you by his side then it is kind of a red flag because what happens if you two live together then he starts getting depressed over every stress in his life? Can you handle that? Again, it is only if he did not have something terrible happening recently that triggered. But sounds like that's not the case... I would be concerned that he is not able to deal with stress AND moreover, stress is making him become distant with his gf. As if you don't make him happy enough, or you can help him, or that he does not think you are too close to him... Personally, that would make me feel weird about the whole relationship. Because personally I tend to become more close with people that i love when i am stressed or going through hard times, I want them near, I want them to listen, I want to feel their love and affection. My 2 cents, but if you decide to wait and try to help, just make sure you are not wasting your time and do not forget to live your life.
  5. La vie boheme
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Sugarfree View Post
    I understand you want to be supportive and doing your best to help, but does not look like you can help, unfortunately. If he feels depressed having you by his side then it is kind of a red flag because what happens if you two live together then he starts getting depressed over every stress in his life? Can you handle that? Again, it is only if he did not have something terrible happening recently that triggered. But sounds like that's not the case... I would be concerned that he is not able to deal with stress AND moreover, stress is making him become distant with his gf. As if you don't make him happy enough, or you can help him, or that he does not think you are too close to him... Personally, that would make me feel weird about the whole relationship. Because personally I tend to become more close with people that i love when i am stressed or going through hard times, I want them near, I want them to listen, I want to feel their love and affection. My 2 cents, but if you decide to wait and try to help, just make sure you are not wasting your time and do not forget to live your life.
    I think it's awesome that you can grow closer with others in times of stress, but that's not how depression works for most. His actions IMO are classic indicators of depression brought on by a major life stressor, disappointment from not being able to move from a place that already stresses him. In fact, I think his ability to talk about these things that bother him, which is major for someone who is depressed, is a good sign that he is invested in the relationship and cares for the OP.

    Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. - 1 John 3:18
  6. La vie boheme
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Paigem54 View Post
    Hi everyone!
    I'm new to the site and I joined because I just really need to be able to connect with people who understand what I'm dealing with. None of my friends get it and my family definitely doesn't and it's really frustrating.
    So, my boyfriend of 5 years has been stationed in Montana, he hates it. So, naturally he went to apply for K9 and got in! Yay!! He's currently in Texas and everything was fine until he got word that he's most likely going back to Montana. He's been really distant since and keeps saying things like, "I just don't feel like myself" or "I just feel really disconnected from everything.." and I know he's depressed, he was really counting on getting out of Montana and I feel really bad that I can't do anything! I've been trying to be positive, but to be honest, it's weighing on me too because he's been so distant. He's not the same guy that I was with a couple months ago, which I know is because he's depressed. I just don't know what to do really. Has anyone else struggled with this? What can I do?
    How long ago did he receive the news? It will take time for it to settle with him and him to adjust. In a way, his dreams were taken from him and that can be crushing. Just be there for him and help him find and build new dreams. Try and get him to focus on things he may want to do or accomplish - reach a new PT goal, learn a new skill, travel, etc,...bettering and changing himself when he can't change what life hands him.

    If the feelings persist he does need to talk to someone professionally, though it is good that he does confide in you. Military One Source has ways to help him. He is the same person you know. Think of it as someone wearing a mask - they appear different yet they're still the same person underneath. :-) Just be there for him. I know it can be extremely difficult watching the person you love like this and not being able to help and trying your best to understand what he's going through. Do NOT take it personal - it's not you at all.

    Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. - 1 John 3:18
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    #7
    Thank you all for your kind and helpful words! He has finally started to open up to me about all these things that have been bothering him and I know it's going to take him some time to be okay with most of these things. He's really upset that he hasn't gotten to do the one thing he joined the military for, which is to deploy at least once. But they say that he most likely won't get deployed out of his base in Montana, which he really wanted to get away from. All the disappointment has just put him back into his shell of feeling unworthy of happiness. Hopefully we can get through this together!
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Sabrina22LE View Post
    The things he's saying sound like dissociation. In this case it it most likely from depression, but dissociation is a big red flag for PTSD. Do you know if he has experienced anything traumatic that may have triggered it?

    Either way just be there for him, let him know that you care, and encourage him to get out and do things he enjoys. In my own struggle with depression it was very common for me to isolate myself without realizing it. When yoh talk to him make sure he understands that you are not judging him or thinking less of him. Be patient. Possibly talk to him about seeking help from a mental health professional.
    You really should not be diagnosing people online.

    OP I hope you and your DB can continue to be open and honest with each other, and seek professional help.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by CDNTrish View Post
    You really should not be diagnosing people online.

    OP I hope you and your DB can continue to be open and honest with each other, and seek professional help.
    ....what?

    Never diagnosed anything, just sharing possible causes lol.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Sabrina22LE View Post
    ....what?

    Never diagnosed anything, just sharing possible causes lol.
    Except not really, but sure lol.

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