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Thread: He is still deployed, wanted to get back together and then this....

  1. Fresh Newbie
    EmilyMC77's Avatar
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    #1

    He is still deployed, wanted to get back together and then this....

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    I wrote back in April-ish because my military boyfriend of 2 years, who gave me a ring but I was still in my divorce at the time, deployed and within 6 weeks of deploying broke up with me. It was an email saying that he basically lost interest in the relationship, wasn't excited when receiving messages and didn't believe we would really ever be together.

    Our situation is complex because I had a very long divorce and 2 children from that marriage-- so he was always nervous about "if" we would be together.
    We have broken up a couple times before...usually him freaking out about "could" we get together, would it ever happen. By nature of breaking-up, clearly it was not going to happen. Also, I understand if I marry him I will be following him throughout his career/giving up mine. So when he is not solid, it makes me worry.

    But before he deployed he brought me down to meet his folks and all his close friends. It seemed like a big step, I was really happy. When he was leaving I asked him if I should expect him to freak-out and break-up with me, he said maybe- but also left me with his ARMY sweatshirt and said I should know he really loved me if he was giving that to me. (he has had it since he was a cadet)

    So... fast forward from 4/2017 to present... he is still deployed. It has been extended several times. There were little texts back and forth, then he asked if we could talk. I still care a great deal about him- he is probably the 2nd love of my life- but there are LOTS of issues with communication, honesty, self-knowledge and reflection, and fear of relationship failure. Of course, I talked to him. We started to have regular contact. He got his next post, which will be close to me (a couple hours) and we started to talk about trying again. Him being here on weekends or my there, him meeting and forming a relationship with my children. I told him better for everyone to go slow...he agreed. He started talking about us having kids and how much he wants them with me (that has been a running thing for us). He was going home for holiday break and asked if I could fly and meet him somewhere for new years. It has always been like that, me flying to meet him, but I really didn't want to do that for New Years nor was I sure I wanted to start up in "holiday" mode because we have done that several times and then it crashes. I really want to date him... and see him normally (as we did for the first 1.5 years of the relationship) to see if we still connect. Also, he had tons of plans around the holidays.

    So he went home. He stopped communicating for several days. He then said he was going w friends to "X" for a long weekend before all his family arrived. I have learned that when this happens there is sometimes another woman (we had an open relationship for a bit, that was kind of a mistake). So I asked him point blank if he had had sex since home-- his reply "Yes, why asking?"

    I am a bit dumbstruck.
    I know there are certain things he doesn't put together and we had NOT said that from here one we are together/monogamous or anything like that... but somehow if you are talking about meeting my kids, having a key to my place, having babies with me-- if you need to get some relief, I would expect a conversation.

    It is so hard. There are so many holes. There are so many issues he has shared with me- problems he has, problems in relationships, fears. He was deployed somewhere whereas he said he would NOT be having sex because there were too many risks. I think it is possible he took up with someone (another soldier) for a bit and when she left (rotations there are not very long) he came back to me.

    I just don't know... do they all do this? Is it a "bull" thing (he is very alpha), is it an immaturity thing.
    He has had a lot of bad relationships- but he also clearly is the creator of some messes.

    So I never responded to his reply... I know he has family there for the next 3-4 weeks. He will be busy running around and was too cheap to get a phone connection so he can receive emails and such unless in places with free WIFI.

    Any thoughts?
    Leaving everything to be with him seems scary.
  2. Senior Member
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    #2
    WHY are you even questioning whether you should get back with him or not?! You'll be a lot happier leaving this whole mess behind you. Most people are not like him, he sounds extremely immature and rude. This whole relationship sounds so draining. I would drop him, on and off relationships tend to continue to be on and off until someone cuts ties permanently. Do you really want the back and forth forever?
  3. Senior Member
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    #3
    This is a train wreck. Why on earth are you even questioning anything? Why is there any option other than, "delete, block, and move on"? He's treating you like crap. he very, very clearly doesn't respect you. He very clearly only wants to be with you when it is easy and convenient. You are a side piece for him. I'm sorry to say it so bluntly, but his actions are telling you that and you aren't listening.

    Protect yourself from him, and show your children that you respect yourself enough not to continue to sign up for this kind of treatment. They are watching and learning from you what is acceptable, and it would be a damn shame if they thought this was.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
  4. Senior Member
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    #4
    what they said.
    He is only with you when it's convenient, and that is so selfish.
    Move on.
  5. Senior Member
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by EmilyMC77 View Post
    I wrote back in April-ish because my military boyfriend of 2 years, who gave me a ring but I was still in my divorce at the time, deployed and within 6 weeks of deploying broke up with me. It was an email saying that he basically lost interest in the relationship, wasn't excited when receiving messages and didn't believe we would really ever be together.

    Our situation is complex because I had a very long divorce and 2 children from that marriage-- so he was always nervous about "if" we would be together.
    We have broken up a couple times before...usually him freaking out about "could" we get together, would it ever happen. By nature of breaking-up, clearly it was not going to happen. Also, I understand if I marry him I will be following him throughout his career/giving up mine. So when he is not solid, it makes me worry.

    But before he deployed he brought me down to meet his folks and all his close friends. It seemed like a big step, I was really happy. When he was leaving I asked him if I should expect him to freak-out and break-up with me, he said maybe- but also left me with his ARMY sweatshirt and said I should know he really loved me if he was giving that to me. (he has had it since he was a cadet)

    So... fast forward from 4/2017 to present... he is still deployed. It has been extended several times. There were little texts back and forth, then he asked if we could talk. I still care a great deal about him- he is probably the 2nd love of my life- but there are LOTS of issues with communication, honesty, self-knowledge and reflection, and fear of relationship failure. Of course, I talked to him. We started to have regular contact. He got his next post, which will be close to me (a couple hours) and we started to talk about trying again. Him being here on weekends or my there, him meeting and forming a relationship with my children. I told him better for everyone to go slow...he agreed. He started talking about us having kids and how much he wants them with me (that has been a running thing for us). He was going home for holiday break and asked if I could fly and meet him somewhere for new years. It has always been like that, me flying to meet him, but I really didn't want to do that for New Years nor was I sure I wanted to start up in "holiday" mode because we have done that several times and then it crashes. I really want to date him... and see him normally (as we did for the first 1.5 years of the relationship) to see if we still connect. Also, he had tons of plans around the holidays.

    So he went home. He stopped communicating for several days. He then said he was going w friends to "X" for a long weekend before all his family arrived. I have learned that when this happens there is sometimes another woman (we had an open relationship for a bit, that was kind of a mistake). So I asked him point blank if he had had sex since home-- his reply "Yes, why asking?"

    I am a bit dumbstruck.
    I know there are certain things he doesn't put together and we had NOT said that from here one we are together/monogamous or anything like that... but somehow if you are talking about meeting my kids, having a key to my place, having babies with me-- if you need to get some relief, I would expect a conversation.

    It is so hard. There are so many holes. There are so many issues he has shared with me- problems he has, problems in relationships, fears. He was deployed somewhere whereas he said he would NOT be having sex because there were too many risks. I think it is possible he took up with someone (another soldier) for a bit and when she left (rotations there are not very long) he came back to me.

    I just don't know... do they all do this? Is it a "bull" thing (he is very alpha), is it an immaturity thing.
    He has had a lot of bad relationships- but he also clearly is the creator of some messes.

    So I never responded to his reply... I know he has family there for the next 3-4 weeks. He will be busy running around and was too cheap to get a phone connection so he can receive emails and such unless in places with free WIFI.

    Any thoughts?
    Leaving everything to be with him seems scary.
    When he broke up with you back in June you were advised by me and a few others here to let him go for good. This whole on-again off-again BS isn't healthy for you or your kids.

    I'm not sure that you'll listen, but it's time to let this man go. Relationships don't have to be this awful.




  6. Senior Member
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    #6
    I think sometimes when you’re really into somebody, you’ll trick yourself into thinking your problems are normal hurdles that all relationships have to get through, and I think that happens even more in military relationships. As an outsider, I’m not sure why you would still be trying to make this work. Like, read your posts and imagine someone else wrote them, wouldn’t you think they’re being ridiculous?

    If this guy was worth your time you wouldn’t have to guess whether he wanted to be with you. You wouldn’t have to convince yourself he’s serious about you by rationalizing why he gave you his sweatshirt and brought you to meet his family, because he’d be telling you he’s serious about you and he’d be making plans for the future with you. Instead, he’s keeping you on the line by telling you what you wanna hear and then fucking other women. Why would you put yourself through this over and over?
  7. OG Member
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    #7
    This guy is a straight up use 'em and lose 'em type, you need to walk away and find something/someone better for you and your children. Do not put up with this crap because no one deserves what he's doing to you.


  8. "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me"
    TrishAFSpouse's Avatar
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    #8
    Move along.. there are better fish in the sea..

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't
  9. Dancing Backwards in High Heels
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    #9
    It's time to cut off communication and fully move on from him. You owe it to yourself and to your children to have a relationship that isn't one of convenience.
  10. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #10
    Boy bye! Not worth the drama or stress.
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