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Thread: Non-Custodial Parent - Holiday Request

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    #1

    Non-Custodial Parent - Holiday Request

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    So...background, I have sole custody of my 2 kids. My ex-husband has right to visitation, I am supposed to allow him 2 days a month for at least 3 hours however the visits have to be supervised and due to issues between him and I (and the need for a restraining order/threats/stalking/property damage etc) I refuse to do the supervising. The courts allowed me to decide the supervisor at my sole discretion. I asked for it to be through DFPS as they can request BAC test and ensure he's sober (another requirement of his visitations as his drinking resulted in CPS getting involved and him losing custody). This happened a little over 2 years ago that CPS got involved, I offered to take the kids to any day/time for DFPS visitation and he refused and has actually never done 1 visit in the last 2 years (by his choice).

    I got a message from him last night asking to fly the kids from TX (where we live) to WI (where his family lives) for the 4th of July and a fishing trip with his dad, uncles and their kids. Last I heard he was in the hospital for pancreitis then in rehab, then signed out after 2 weeks and immediately started drinking again. His request was long winded and included "keeping this amicable" which usually means he'll sue me if I don't comply (he's a trust fund baby and I have spent a crap ton of money on lawyers in the last 10 years because of him) there's no way with his track record I want my kids in a different state with him...legally I think I can decline it, he hasn't done one supervised visit in 2 years and now he wants the kids for a week in a different state? My 5 year old doesn't even remember what he looks like?! I have repeatedly asked him to set up weekly FaceTimes and he won't commit to it, he hasn't even spoken to them in nearly a year...in theory I would love to say yes, I think it sounds great, but the reality is I think it could be dangerous to say yes for my kids and I have to protect them...

    However it's a long time away...maybe he can prove he's sober and responsible between now and then? I don't know? If I said yes and something happened to my kids I would never forgive myself...
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    #2
    Are you looking for advice or ...? This reads like a diary entry TBH.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by CDNTrish View Post
    Are you looking for advice or ...? This reads like a diary entry TBH.
    Looking for advice - would you deny? would you allow? what stipulations/suggestions would you have? would you request he come to TX instead? what's reasonable? what's not?
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    #4
    Can you voice your concerns to him without making it personal?
    I would say something like,
    "I would be willing to consider your request upon resuming visitation/face timing the children. At this point they are unfamiliar with you and I would not want to put our child into a position where they feel uncomfortable. I am glad to see you taking interest in the children and I would be willing to work with you. I have concerns regarding sobriety (if he is sober, he will understand your concerns, if he is defensive, it would indicate to me that he is not sober) and hope these concerns can be addressed so that I can feel safe with sending the kids for a visit."

    It is hard to trust an alcoholic. It is hard for them to get sober and be untrustworthy. I think the most important thing is to keep it matter of fact, for the kids and their safety, and not make it personal.
    Good luck!
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    #5
    I honestly would talk to a lawyer and see if this type of visit would be allowed or if there's any protections there, if he's only been allowed supervised visits.

    FWIW - I was that kid with a good parent and a real shitty parent who had substance abuse problems, so I'm biased. If I were the parent in the situation, there's no way in hell I'd say yes to even a cross-state trip like that, let alone out of state. I have too many memories of being scared because I didn't really remember her as 'mom', not knowing who I was with at all, not understanding where I was...she really only ever asked for me to show off that she had a daughter that wasn't failing school and in her words 'was smart'. She had rights to 2 weeks worth of visit to her through the year (one week each year had to be over either Christmas or my birthday). I have distinct memories of her forgetting to get me for my birthday one year and of her getting arrested at Christmas for heroin/cocaine-related charges one year. So take everything I say with a giant heaping cup of salt. I do remember that she was not legally able to take me anywhere but that city in which she resided, and she had to do check-ins with my dad once a day. She couldn't just pick and and take me to somewhere even an hour out of her 'range'. That was all specified by the judge.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by AMP1984 View Post
    Looking for advice - would you deny? would you allow? what stipulations/suggestions would you have? would you request he come to TX instead? what's reasonable? what's not?
    Your best bet would be to get advice from your lawyer and keep it on the legal side of the question and not on the emotional side.
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    #7
    I'd definitely consult your lawyers first and foremost. If they say it's okay, then I'd tell him you'll consider if he can spend the next five months showing that he has changed his ways, can commit to and show interest in having a relationship with the kids, etc. then if you feel comfortable at the time he can book tickets, but you have the right to cancel the trip if his behavior reverts to old ways. You can also highly consider joining them in state so you're at least in the vicinity if things happen to go south. Perhaps you can propose he come to TX in three months for a short trip and see how that goes as well?

    It's understandable to be hesitant, but it's also realistic to want your children to know and have a relationship with their father.
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    #8
    Um, no. If you can legally decline then that’s what I would do. If he’s barely even spoken to your kids in a year what makes him think THEYRE going to enjoy this trip? Imo it’s unfair to your kids to ship them across the country for that amount of time for someone they essentially have no relationship with. How uncomfortable would they be?

    With other family there I wouldn’t be super concerned with their safety, but more so their comfort. He should be coming to them if he wants to rebuild his relationship with them.
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    #9
    Thatís a no from me. My ex, after my remarriage, up and took orders to Japan without telling anyone...including his kids. Zero contact for four years. Zero. He came back in January, after retirement and wanted to see them three months later. Nope.

    My lawyer and his parents (who Iím close to) decided to do a summer vacation at his parentsí since my kids are close to them. That was okay but they were still hella uncomfortable.
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    #10
    I don't even know how this is a question. Nope.

    Does he live in TX or WI?


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