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Thread: New to this life - wondering about communication and timelines

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    New to this life - wondering about communication and timelines

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    Greetings! I am hoping to find a bit of insight into my current situation and this seemed like a good place to start.

    I've been dating a Master Sergeant in the Army Reserves since the beginning of this year. He has done 4 tours previously and is now up for another, as such, he started pre-deployment training around July. Fast forward to present day and he's still training stateside, as far as I know. He's now gone through 3 domestic bases - mostly closed camps where there is no cell signal and internet seems to be a rarity, but he does write when he is able. Thing is, it's now been 3 months since I've heard from him.

    I am not worried about our relationship status and whether or not he is avoiding me. He last wrote me on excellent terms and I really don't think he's the type of man that would ghost (plus, he knows I have baggage about him/my SO disappearing due to a previous relationship with a man with fairly severe combat PTSD falling off the face of the planet after many years together) and I specifically asked him not to do that. If you're done with me, dump me like a respectable human being so I know what's going on instead of walking away like a coward. LOL

    How long does pre-deployment training usually last?
    Is it common for communication to take a hike for 3 months? Even while still in the US?
    Could he have deployed and not had the time or means to let people know? Do they get a few days to say goodbye in person before takeoff?
    It looks like there used to be a Base Directory where you could find out if someone was still at a particular base, but it has since been disabled by the Army for security reasons, is that correct?

    It's probably all basic information, but I didn't know to ask it before he left because he was told it would be 3-6 weeks - and it was, but then he was assigned another base, and then another...

    Thanks in advance for any help!
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by MoonlightHollow View Post
    Greetings! I am hoping to find a bit of insight into my current situation and this seemed like a good place to start.

    I've been dating a Master Sergeant in the Army Reserves since the beginning of this year. He has done 4 tours previously and is now up for another, as such, he started pre-deployment training around July. Fast forward to present day and he's still training stateside, as far as I know. He's now gone through 3 domestic bases - mostly closed camps where there is no cell signal and internet seems to be a rarity, but he does write when he is able. Thing is, it's now been 3 months since I've heard from him.

    I am not worried about our relationship status and whether or not he is avoiding me. He last wrote me on excellent terms and I really don't think he's the type of man that would ghost (plus, he knows I have baggage about him/my SO disappearing due to a previous relationship with a man with fairly severe combat PTSD falling off the face of the planet after many years together) and I specifically asked him not to do that. If you're done with me, dump me like a respectable human being so I know what's going on instead of walking away like a coward. LOL

    How long does pre-deployment training usually last?
    Is it common for communication to take a hike for 3 months? Even while still in the US?
    Could he have deployed and not had the time or means to let people know? Do they get a few days to say goodbye in person before takeoff?
    It looks like there used to be a Base Directory where you could find out if someone was still at a particular base, but it has since been disabled by the Army for security reasons, is that correct?

    It's probably all basic information, but I didn't know to ask it before he left because he was told it would be 3-6 weeks - and it was, but then he was assigned another base, and then another...

    Thanks in advance for any help!
    I'm sure it varies, but pre-deployment training usually lasts 1-2 months.

    Have you met this guy in person?




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    Yes, regular in-person dating.

    During those first 2 months of training when we were able to communicate pretty regularly (after that 6 weeks in the desert), even he seemed to be surprised at how little he was being told about the schedule. We had also continued to make loose plans for short getaways in the event that he was sent back home.

    Not sure if this is important or not - his Reserve unit doesn't deploy together. Individuals are loaned out to other units who are short a few guys, but there was a hangup with the group he was assigned to. They are still home, as well, and an active duty unit was sent in their place back in April or May.
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    If he's state side there is basically zero reason why he can't contact you for 3 months.
    Never do anything halfway unless you want to be half happy.

    Is this a dream? If it is, please don't wake me from this high. I'd become comfortably numb
    until you opened up my eyes to what it's like when everything is right...I can't believe you found me ♥
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    Quote Originally Posted by missinghim View Post
    If he's state side there is basically zero reason why he can't contact you for 3 months.
    Definitely not without warning you in advance - “hey, I’m going to be _____ for the next little while, comms won’t be great”

    My husband once dropped off the face of the earth for two and a half months when we were first dating, but it was because he was a moron, used to being single and forgot to tell me. He was wildly apologetic when he finally got his shit together, and has never forgotten since. Probably because he remembers how pissed I was
    If I cannot move heaven, I will raise hell
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    Quote Originally Posted by Matchbox View Post
    Because he was a moron, used to being single and forgot to tell me.
    LMAO! I have considered this as well. He's been divorced and alone for 10 years and generally a very "go with the flow" type of guy. He is always apologetic when he writes, uses pet names, and says he misses me. The last email I received, he asked me to write a message to his personal account, rather than his DOD address, and said he was moving to new barracks that he thought had internet and he'd catch up with me over the weekend. Obviously, that didn't happen. His memory isn't great either, ADD from too many head traumas, so I suppose it is entirely possible. He'll definitely hear about it when he shows back up though. Grrrr!

    What a mystery! I'll wait patiently a while longer before I send out a search party.

    Thank you to everyone so far for your input! Makes me feel a little better just getting it out with people who have been there.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by missinghim View Post
    If he's state side there is basically zero reason why he can't contact you for 3 months.
    what she said

    Something isn't right.
    I know you say bad memory/ADD, but if you are his person, you don't fall into the category of things that can be forgotten.
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    That's very true and I certainly don't want to be with someone if I'm not at the top of their list.

    Very odd. I'm not sure what to do... my gut says to be patient, he'll be back, and we can figure out what happened and how to prevent it for next time. But the waiting and wondering is also getting old.
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    Quote Originally Posted by MoonlightHollow View Post
    That's very true and I certainly don't want to be with someone if I'm not at the top of their list.

    Very odd. I'm not sure what to do... my gut says to be patient, he'll be back, and we can figure out what happened and how to prevent it for next time. But the waiting and wondering is also getting old.
    If he was in any other career would you be waiting? Because I can almost 100% promise the military has nothing to do with his reason for not messaging you. The length of time he told you for a deployment work-up is odd in my experience, but more so than that if he is stateside he has no excuse for a lack of any sort of contact in 3 months.

    Even deployed there are very few career fields that I would believe a lack of contact in any form in 3 months.
    Never do anything halfway unless you want to be half happy.

    Is this a dream? If it is, please don't wake me from this high. I'd become comfortably numb
    until you opened up my eyes to what it's like when everything is right...I can't believe you found me ♥
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by MoonlightHollow View Post
    LMAO! I have considered this as well. He's been divorced and alone for 10 years and generally a very "go with the flow" type of guy. He is always apologetic when he writes, uses pet names, and says he misses me. The last email I received, he asked me to write a message to his personal account, rather than his DOD address, and said he was moving to new barracks that he thought had internet and he'd catch up with me over the weekend. Obviously, that didn't happen. His memory isn't great either, ADD from too many head traumas, so I suppose it is entirely possible. He'll definitely hear about it when he shows back up though. Grrrr!

    What a mystery! I'll wait patiently a while longer before I send out a search party.

    Thank you to everyone so far for your input! Makes me feel a little better just getting it out with people who have been there.
    If his memory is THAT bad that heís apologising for the same thing repeatedly, he needs strategies in place to help him remember what he has and hasnít told you.

    When it happened to us, it sort of went like this

    Boyfriend: Iíve got this thing coming up

    No mention of communication

    Two months later

    Boyfriend: Are you mad at me or something? You seem angry.
    Me: Gee, I wonder why
    Boyfriend, lightbulb clicking on in head: ...Ah. Shit. I assumed you knew what I meant when I said that. I know, so I didnít think about you not knowing. Fuck a duck, Iím so sorry.

    We double check everything now.
    If I cannot move heaven, I will raise hell
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