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Thread: Help please! He wants to go on a break during deployment

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    #1

    Deployment

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    Hi all,
    Me and my guy have only been dating for 3 months and knew that deployment would be part of the deal, but he recently said he wants to go on a break because of it. He said that if I'm still single by the time he gets back, we can try again. I want to wait for him or do I assume it's over and move on? I know we just started dating, but things were going great and I really saw a future with him.
    Last edited by Shannon9032; 12-17-2017 at 03:47 PM.
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Shannon9032 View Post
    Hi all,
    Me and my guy have only been dating for 3 months and knew that deployment would be part of the deal, but he recently said he wants to go on a break because of deployment soon. His reasoning is that he doesn't think it's fair to make me wait/worry, that he wants his head clear while he's over there, and that we don't have enough of a foundation to go through that. He said that if I'm still single by the time he gets back, we can try again, and that he wouldn't be doing this if he weren't getting deployed. What do I do? I know he's scared and I want to be there for him in any way I can. I want to wait for him, but is that crazy of me? Do I assume it's over and move on? Can I believe that he cares about me if he doesn't want to be with me through this? I know we just started dating, but things were going great and I really saw a future with him. Can I wait for a guy that only wants to be friends rn without being a completely hopeless fool? Anyone have any similar experiences? What did you do? Can someone help me understand what he's going through?
    Sometimes people say things like "I don't want you to wait" or "you don't deserve this" as a way to let the other person down gently. I believe the statement in bold is how he truly feels: he doesn't want to be tied down and your connection isn't strong enough.

    You shouldn't wait for him. Just try to move on.




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    My DB is deployed for like 15 months (365 boots on ground but he was away 60 days on bases stateside before he left and will be again 20-90+ days after depending on debriefing stuff) and when he found out and told people almost everyone asked if he was gonna "let me" date other people while he was gone because it's such a long time. He got really mad over that. He didn't consider going on a break but was worried the time apart would be an issue and even had a nightmare before he left that I found someone else (like jump up middle of the night and panic)...
    We have a foundation, we live together, it's still really difficult! I can't imagine what it would be like just 3 months after meeting DB I don't know that we would have made it! But that would suck because we would have missed out on a lot. So I don't know I would also so don't wait if he told you he wants to break up but I guess I also wouldn't just give up if you think he's your person so I don't know! i guess I would just not actively look for someone else but not wait on him either so if you meet someone go for it if you don't and you are single when he's back see what happens...
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    He is breaking up with you, and after only three months, I'd say you are lucky you haven't wasted more time or energy into him.

    Take his offer and move on with your life. Without him.
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    #5
    I would just move on. Regardless of his reasoning, you cannot force somebody to want to be with you so just move on with your life.

    I do understand his justification that you do not have a very strong foundation. My husband and I had been together for a good while before he even enlisted, and it was still extremely hard. Going through a deployment after being together only 3 months is very possible I'm sure (there's plenty who have), but I think it's understandable that he's worried about that part.

    BUT, all the rest of what he said (doesn't want you to worry, it would be unfair to you, etc) just sounds like he's trying to let you down gently.
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    I may be the odd one out, but I believe 3 months IS enough foundation to make it work. DH and I were dating exactly 3 months when he left for over 1 year, and we never considered breaking up. I don't think there is anything extraordinary about that; we just really like each other




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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by idratherbehiking View Post
    I may be the odd one out, but I believe 3 months IS enough foundation to make it work. DH and I were dating exactly 3 months when he left for over 1 year, and we never considered breaking up. I don't think there is anything extraordinary about that; we just really like each other
    I don't think anyone has said 3 months isn't enough for a relationship to work through a deployment. In this situation he wants to "take a break" from the relationship. I agree with PP that you've only been in the relationship such a short time, he wants to break up and is trying to let you down easy. I'd move on.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by HisJuliet View Post
    I don't think anyone has said 3 months isn't enough for a relationship to work through a deployment. In this situation he wants to "take a break" from the relationship. I agree with PP that you've only been in the relationship such a short time, he wants to break up and is trying to let you down easy. I'd move on.
    Lol In my first comment I said he was trying to let her down gently. What I'm saying is 3 months IS adequate time to build "enough of a foundation", but I just don't feel they have it...




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    #9
    While I agree that it could be his way of letting her down gently I don't think we know enough to say that 100%. Deployments are hard and if say - in a past deployment - he was married or dating someone and she left him or they had problems and it made his deployment harder on him it could also be his way of protecting himself while he's gone (especially if he had been with previous person longer and had it fall apart during a deployment). People are complicated and different people can do the same thing for very different reasons so every situation is not the same. That said I wouldn't put my life on hold for someone who wants to take a break. BUT if I thought 100% that was the person I wanted to spend my life with I wouldn't just give up on working things out down the road...
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    #10
    Honestly I'd forget about this guy and move on before you get your heart broken. This could be his way of letting you down easy, he might really like you but not be willing to take on the extra responsibility of being in a relationship while deployed, and that's perfectly valid. It's your choice if you want to hang around and wait to see if he changes his mind when he comes back, but how are you gonna feel if you do that and he's not interested anymore? You can have a great connection after three months but you don't *know* him, which makes him easier to romanticize. Although honestly, if he was feeling a great connection, I think he'd be trying a little harder to stay with you.
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