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Thread: After Military Life

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    #1

    Confused After Military Life

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    Hi Everyone. My fiancé is currently serving a 9 month deployment, which we are half way through (YAY)! When he returns, he will be on terminal leave to get out of the military. I am very happy for him, as he is ready to start the next phase of his life. We bought a house together, and he will be moving in when he returns from from deployment.

    He has been doing interviews for jobs for when he returns. One job he is very interested in is a 2 hour commute both ways. So he would be working 10 hour days, and driving 4 hours. He would be gone everyday for 14 hours. I know it seems selfish, but I want him to look at jobs closer to home. With him being gone I am used to taking care of everything from the dogs, to bills, to Christmas shopping, to cleaning. It is getting to be overwhelming, because I am going to school full time for my master's and work 50 hours a week. We have two dogs together and have a large home. Although for his deployment I stepped up to the plate, and have no problem being stressed and managing, I don't want that to be forever.

    We want to have kids in the next year or so. Personally, I make enough money to support the both of us. The job he is applying for has a very high salary as well. I don't really care about how much money we make. I would rather spend some time together and get to grow as a couple.

    We have talked about the pros and cons of him taking the job. He seems to really want it. I want to support him. I feel like his entire military career everything has fallen on my shoulders, and I was happy that for once, we would split all of the home duties. I feel like an awful fiancé for now 100% supporting this. I know if he takes it I am going to be resentful.

    Does anyone have any input?
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    #2
    Imo a four hour daily commute isn't even sustainable, I can't imagine why he'd want that or how he could do that long term. You're not being selfish at all. I think if anything, he's being blinded by dollar signs.
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    #3
    I think he is as well. Money is necessary, but it isn't everything. I appreciate your input!
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    #4
    Working a ten hour day then driving home 2 hours after sounds miserable.

    He is probably freaking out about getting out of the military and thinks he should take the first good paying job for security. Hopefully he changes his mind! Surely he can find a job closer that still makes money.


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    So your post says he is considering multiple jobs but this one really interests him - is it the money that interests him or is the JOB? Is there something about THIS job that is his dream job/position/something he has ALWAYS wanted to do? Or is it the same as the other jobs he's considering? Because if it's virtually the same just a little bit more pay I would also second that doesn't make sense because your time is also valuable and you factor in 4 "lost" hours a day in a commute and extra money is a wash, definitely not worth it in my books.
    However, if his reasoning has nothing to do with pay and is about what the job itself IS and what he would get to DO I'd say that's a completely different ball game. While I agree that a 4 hour a day commute likely isn't sustainable, crushing his dream job may also lead to resentment...you may be better off supporting his dream and letting him realize on his own that a 4 hour commute isn't worth it down the road...
    What is your fiancé's plan IF he gets his dream job? To move closer to the job? To continue to do a 4 hour commute forever? He must realize it's not sustainable forever. I will say I have bought my forever twice now and am on "forever" home number 3...life is fluid and things change. I would want more information on WHY he wants it? If y'all are talking kids in the future does he think you're going to be a stay at home mom and his career will have to support all of you? Is that why maybe money is important right now? Usually there's a reason behind the madness, even when it doesn't make sense.
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    Quote Originally Posted by AMP1984 View Post
    So your post says he is considering multiple jobs but this one really interests him - is it the money that interests him or is the JOB? Is there something about THIS job that is his dream job/position/something he has ALWAYS wanted to do? Or is it the same as the other jobs he's considering? Because if it's virtually the same just a little bit more pay I would also second that doesn't make sense because your time is also valuable and you factor in 4 "lost" hours a day in a commute and extra money is a wash, definitely not worth it in my books.
    However, if his reasoning has nothing to do with pay and is about what the job itself IS and what he would get to DO I'd say that's a completely different ball game. While I agree that a 4 hour a day commute likely isn't sustainable, crushing his dream job may also lead to resentment...you may be better off supporting his dream and letting him realize on his own that a 4 hour commute isn't worth it down the road...
    What is your fiancé's plan IF he gets his dream job? To move closer to the job? To continue to do a 4 hour commute forever? He must realize it's not sustainable forever. I will say I have bought my forever twice now and am on "forever" home number 3...life is fluid and things change. I would want more information on WHY he wants it? If y'all are talking kids in the future does he think you're going to be a stay at home mom and his career will have to support all of you? Is that why maybe money is important right now? Usually there's a reason behind the madness, even when it doesn't make sense.
    The job honestly is not what he wants to do. It's in the medical profession and he's never voiced an interest in it. I think I'm going to take the route of support his decision, even though it's going to mean no time together.

    His plan isn't to move. My career can't move, as I work for myself. Unfortunately the warehouse that I have is established and cannot change location. For me, being a stay at home mom isn't an option. I have way too much invested into my education and career and love work.

    I think for now I'm just going to go with the flow. Four hours of driving a day is not sustainable. As always, I'll be waiting at the end of the day with a smile on my face. I appreciate the advise!
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    #7
    I'm not sure why you bought a house before he knew for sure where he'd be working. Any chance you could rent it out and move to a location in between his work and yours?
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by rayfinkle View Post
    Working a ten hour day then driving home 2 hours after sounds miserable.

    He is probably freaking out about getting out of the military and thinks he should take the first good paying job for security. Hopefully he changes his mind! Surely he can find a job closer that still makes money.
    it sucks ass.


    OP I'm in law school not working, but generally my commute is an hour and 15 to hour and a 30. There have been days with bad traffic where it's 2+ hours. I get up and leave the house at 6 am, I'm back around 7 or 8 pm. I'm gone 12-13 hours a day. and it's fucking miserable. It's not sustainable. I've already told DH I want to break our lease at least 100 times. and I'm doing something I love and really really wanted to do. He's gonna hate it.


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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by bdizzle View Post
    it sucks ass.


    OP I'm in law school not working, but generally my commute is an hour and 15 to hour and a 30. There have been days with bad traffic where it's 2+ hours. I get up and leave the house at 6 am, I'm back around 7 or 8 pm. I'm gone 12-13 hours a day. and it's fucking miserable. It's not sustainable. I've already told DH I want to break our lease at least 100 times. and I'm doing something I love and really really wanted to do. He's gonna hate it.
    I agree with this if it's not even something he loves and there's no end in sight with him being transferred closer or you moving closer there's no way! Also if it's not his dream job I don't get why he'd consider it if there's other options closer to your house? Especially if you cannot move? It doesn't make sense to me. I'd feel like he was trying to never be home...
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    Damned impressive

    Quote Originally Posted by bdizzle View Post
    OP I'm in law school not working, but generally my commute is an hour and 15 to hour and a 30. There have been days with bad traffic where it's 2+ hours.
    I remember back to law school... I barely had the time to breathe much less have a 2 hour commute.
    Consider yourself a
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