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Thread: Would you be cool with this?

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    #1

    Would you be cool with this?

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    So background information: I'm currently a full-time student enrolled in 4 classes for my teaching credential and a part-time student teacher coteaching at a high school about 18 hours/week. I go to campus 2 nights/week after student teaching. I commute about 7 hours total per week.

    I also recently (about 6 weeks ago) started a retail job at a children's store. I usually work about 2-3 shifts per week and take home approximately $150 every two weeks, most of which goes to pay for gas. There is nothing WRONG with the job, but I don't enjoy it. I also typically work closing shifts, so I'm either busy from 6-10 or getting home between 8 and 10 then getting up at 6 the next day. Sometimes I have one day completely off in a week and sometimes I work both Saturday and Sunday.

    DB recently moved home and is living an hour away from me. My schedule does not allow me to see him often and he hasn't even started working yet (still getting paid by the military, on terminal leave). He has told me multiple times that he wants to see me more and that especially if I'm unhappy working on top of school and student teaching that I should quit my job and that he will essentially cover my expenses while I'm in school.

    My reactions to this are many. First, I would be somewhat uncomfortable taking money from him because I like to be self-sufficient. On the other hand, it would be so nice not to have to work on top of everything else. A third consideration is that I would feel bad quitting after only 6-8 weeks and right before the holidays.

    Neither of us have major expenses as we are both currently living at home. The gist of it is that I would love to not work but would feel kind of weird taking him up on this because I've never had a man "take care of me" before. Just looking for thoughts and input.
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    #2
    I would not be comfortable with that and I think it puts an unnecessary strain on the relationship. I don't doubt your boyfriend is a nice guy who just wants to help you out, but I think the idea of taking care of someone financially is a lot different from actually doing it.

    My best friend has had this arrangement twice now (because she doesn't ever learn lol) and both times it's gone badly. She's currently in a relationship with a really really nice guy, who again makes plenty of money, he said he'd cover her basic expenses so she could quit this terrible job and stay in school (gas, food, necessary clothing, toiletries, stuff like that) and it lasted a few months before they started fighting over it so now she's a delivery driver at night.
  3. "...now do Classical Gas"
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Heisenberg View Post
    I would not be comfortable with that and I think it puts an unnecessary strain on the relationship. I don't doubt your boyfriend is a nice guy who just wants to help you out, but I 4think the idea of taking care of someone financially is a lot different from actually doing it.

    My best friend has had this arrangement twice now (because she doesn't ever learn lol) and both times it's gone badly. She's currently in a relationship with a really really nice guy, who again makes plenty of money, he said he'd cover her basic expenses so she could quit this terrible job and stay in school (gas, food, necessary clothing, toiletries, stuff like that) and it lasted a few months before they started fighting over it so now she's a delivery driver at night.
    Agreed.

    If he wants to HELP you do what you need to do, then by all means...but like this, where he's doing it all FOR you, feels like too much. If something happens to him (if he can't find work; if he finds work but some other expense comes up, he trashes his back, anything) you're in trouble.
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    #4
    I agree with the others that I would be uncomfortable with it. I totally get it; I've been there where I'm in class plus student teaching plus working retail on top to make ends meet. It is really rough barely having any time off. I just wouldn't be ok with having him subsidize my expenses; like PP said it introduces different dynamics into the relationship that make things a lot more complicated than if everyone is taking care of themselves.
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    #5
    dude, I feel bad enough my husband pays for our stuff and I'm taking care of our kids.

    It is very sweet of him to offer though
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    #6
    Yeah I would not be comfortable with this at all. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and are on our second move with the military. Both times I have gone months without a job. DB pays for our house and food and I have access to his bank account to do shopping for the house and such. But when it comes to like my personal bills, credit cards, phone bill, car insurance I pay those out of my saving until I can find a job. Which coming up in the next few months I will have gone through that savings money. DB has offered to start paying my bills so I can find a job I love but I am going to get a part time job instead. I can handle him paying for the house he decided to buy and food for the both of us. But I would not be able to handle relying on him for everything.
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    #7
    I'm kinda torn on this one. I have always been a very independent person, and strongly believe in being able to take care of yourself, but at the same time, you seem like you have A LOT on your plate. I feel like if he is living at home and not working, and still getting paid pretty much his full military pay check, it might actually be worth it for him to give you a $150 gas card every two weeks so that you guys can relax and have date nights and see each other more. After all, it seems like that job is just for the money and not advancing your career goals. I would have a talk with him to make sure he actually is cool with giving you that and is not going to resent you for it or hold it over your head.
    If he was paying for your living expenses, gas, food, everything, that would be different. But to just cover gas so you can quit your part time job you don't love- he might actually really want to do that and it might be good for you guys.
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    #8
    I think you all pretty much put into words why I was getting that uncomfortable feeling about it. I know his offer is genuine and without malintent, but there are many other factors to consider. Thanks everyone
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    #9
    I agree with what PPs have said, that I would feel uncomfortable with the dynamic. However, only you and your boyfriend can decide if it's right for you and your relationship. That said, in the event you do decide to take him up on this offer, or even explore the idea further with him, I'd encourage you to both sit down and look at each of your expectations in black and white. What exactly is he offering to cover? You said you're living at home, so assuming you don't have to worry about rent or major utilities...Cell phone bill? Transportation (car payment, insurance, gas)? School books? Do you have outstanding credit card bills? Is he offering to help with those? What about things like food, toiletries, clothing- where the needs can fluctuate from a week to week or month to month basis? Would you two be comfortable with an arrangement where he gives you $X per week or per month (either instead of or in addition to specific bills) and you budget it out as you need/want? I would want to have all the cards out on the table in advance so that no one ends up surprised or resentful. If I were in your shoes and considering this, I'd also want to be very clear about any and all expectations about repayment- is this a loan that he expects will eventually be paid back once you're out of school or find a better job that works with your schedule? If so, what would the terms of that loan be like (How quickly will he expect to be repaid, one lump sum or installments, interest?). If he does not want to be paid back and intends the money as a gift, are you both going to be comfortable with such a substantial one-sided gift, or will one or both of you start to feel like you're keeping a running tally of indebtedness?

    As I've been typing this out, I think the best chance for success in this arrangement probably would be for a set amount of money given at set intervals, with you doing the micro-budgeting yourself once you have the stipend/allowance in hand. The set amount being based off the specific bills you know you have coming in and your best estimate of what else you'll need for any more fluctuating expenses (maybe look at your spending over the last month or so to see what you typically spend in that time period on food, clothes, going out, whatever). With that kind of a set up, it would help potentially limit what I see as the biggest downfall- the person giving the money becoming critical about how the person spending the money chooses to spend it. If your DB is mentally prepared to give you $X per month and then knows you'll be spending it as needed to accommodate your expenses, it could create less opportunity for disagreements over spending than if you have to come to him every. single. time. you need to spend money on anything.

    You could also maybe decide on your own that any money you have left over in the budgeted amount at the end of the week/month/whatever, you put aside as savings, and then either return that to DB when the arrangement is over, or put it toward something jointly (after discussing it with DB) like a security deposit if you two move in together, etc.
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    #10
    I mostly agree with what the PP's have said already, however I have been in that situation before. When I was living in Kansas City with ex-DB, I was going to school full-time and working almost full time as well, and I was just struggling in general, while I wasn't struggling with my school work, I was EXHAUSTED and while DB and I lived together at the time, we weren't able to spend any time together, and I was a mess. I was falling apart and all I did was cry and work and go to school. SO he told me to quit my job and that he would take over my expenses, now, that said, our expenses were tied together anyway because we were living together, so there was that. I was able to complete my very difficult semester of school and I was much happier and healthier in general (I was able to cook again *we were eating A LOT of take out because neither of us had time to cook, it was so bad!!* and I had a little bit of time get to the gym again, so I was much more strong mentally and physically, which was a HUGE big deal because I was headed for a mental break!) and it was like a breath of fresh air into my school work, I had enough time to really focus on what I was doing (nursing school is TOUGH) and it make a very very BIG difference! Soooo, my point is, only you and your boyfriend can decide this for certain, it really depends on what is going on in your life. Luckily, I was later able to make it up, and work my butt off for us and our family. It didn't end up working out, but that said, it worked for us. So, like I said, only you guys can figure it out! Good luck to you!

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