Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 26

Thread: Marriage Advice needed please :)

  1. Regular Member
    neilamoon's Avatar
    neilamoon is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Location
    Lemoore, CA
    Posts
    36
    #1

    Marriage Advice needed please :)

    Advertisements
    So my husband and I have been married 8 months, 5 of which he's been deployed. Yes, we did move the date up to before deployment, but we had been engaged for nearly a year already and living together for a year before that, so it wasn't really a spur of the moment decision.
    Anyway, the problem I'm facing is that I'm wondering if I jumped the gun on this.
    The main issue is that I have no kids and he has 2 from a previous marriage. I have spent a few weeks with his kids (they live in a different state) and honestly they're amazing. I have no issues with their mother either, everything is cordial- it's just I get really depressed about this quite often.
    Now that I am almost 27, I am thinking about having kids of my own, and instead of being excited about it like I should be, I feel gloomy. For one, I feel like because it'll be his 3rd kid, and especially since he has a boy and a girl, it won't be as special for him as if he was becoming a father for the first time. If I had kids from a previous relationship as well, this would be much different, but I don't.

    I know his kids come first, and that is absolutely how it should be, but at the same time, if I were with someone that didn't have kids, I wouldn't have to share him. He wouldn't have to leave me and my future child to see his other kids. It's made worse by the fact that my entire family is on the other side of the country and I can't live near them or raise my future child near them since my husband's kids are on the west coast.

    I know a lot of you will say that I knew he had kids before getting married, why did I go through with it. Because honestly I love him. We have so much fun together, he treats me amazing (most of the time) and I thought I would be able to get used to it or get past it, but the more deeply I love him and the closer I get to having kids of my own, the more depressed I feel.

    I am not attracted to any other men at all, but sometimes I do fantasize about what it would be like to be with a man who has never had kids and can share that first experience with me and I can truly have my own little family.

    Any helpful and non judgmental advice would be appreciated
  2. Senior Member
    Margot31's Avatar
    Margot31 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    896
    #2
    So my husband has a step brother and a half brother....but in the long run they are all brothers. FIL already had a son when he met MIL who had her first son (my husband) Along came baby brother.....so the oldest lived with his mom most the time and the boys only saw each other at summer time for a few summers till big brother was old enough to make his own choices about his father. FIL loves all 3 of his boys to death (though he has a rough way of showing it which all three boys say the same thing) But the oldest boy is still in very close contact with MIL (even though FIL and MIL are no longer married) All three boys are brothers and all parents involved love the boys....

    I also have a friend who had a older daughter got married to a women who didn't have kids, now he is expecting his 3rd child and I have never seen the love from that man (even on Facebook) come out of him with his 3rd to his oldest who lives in a different state.

    You find ways to balance the seeing of kids and all, include those kids in everything. Sure as they get older there maybe bumps in the road but you never know till that point.
  3. Regular Member
    neilamoon's Avatar
    neilamoon is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Location
    Lemoore, CA
    Posts
    36
    #3
    Wow, I wasn't expecting such a kind and helpful response, thank you <3
    I think that the real problem is I worry too much and I'm focusing on the negative instead of seeing the positive.
    And yes, I definitely worry about when they get older- especially teenagers!
  4. Senior Member
    Medic2Doula's Avatar
    Medic2Doula is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Location
    San Diego, CA
    Posts
    1,330
    #4
    okay.... back this bus up...
    it won't be his first baby, so what?
    Are you afraid he will love it any less?
    I'm #6 for my mom, #4 for my dad (he claims the older two as his own, but he didn't meet them until they were 11 and 10). They love me and wanted me just as much as the first five.
    I just had #4, our third girl, and we were JUST as excited for her, just as elated (seriously getting misty eyed just recalling the joy I felt holding her for the first time).

    Every baby should be celebrated, and I promise you, another baby with the woman he loves will be JUST as special. Love never deminishes, it only grows when it comes to kids.
  5. Senior Member
    Sabrina22LE's Avatar
    Sabrina22LE is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    1,394
    #5
    I think he will be excited whether it's his first or his tenth, sure it won't be the first time he experiences some of the things that come with having a new baby, but his experience might help things run smoothly.

    I'd be careful not to exclude his kids from your heart. You said you don't want to share him and you don't want him to leave you and your future child when he goes to visit. Why don't you all go to visit? I think your future child(ren) should be able to form a relationship with their siblings and they might hold you in a special place in their heart someday as well. There's nothing wrong with blended families. By making the distinction between your kids together and HIS kids you could end up hurting his children and making them feel less loved.
  6. Regular Member
    fleurdelis's Avatar
    fleurdelis is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    111
    #6
    I can understand where you're coming from- DB has 4 kids, 3 of whom live with him full-time, and if you had asked me really at any point in my life if I saw myself dating or having a relationship with someone with kids, I would certainly have said no. But our paths crossed, I fell in love with DB, and here we are- and I've built relationships with and come to love his kids as well. To be honest, watching DB with his kids and seeing what an amazing, loving dad he is made me fall even more deeply in love with him because it showed me that he was a man who would do anything to care for and protect the people he loves.

    I won't say I haven't ever thought about what it would be like to be with someone without kids since we've gotten together. But I think that anyone could say that about any trait or fact about their significant other- What would our lives be like if he/she wasn't in the military? What if we were able to live closer to/further from my/their family? Hell, in a prior relationship, I fantasized about what it would be like to be with someone whose family didn't make a big deal out of holidays, so that we wouldn't have to split holidays or spend them apart from one another (because my family is really big on celebrating holidays together). I don't think there's anything wrong with the thinking about those things hypothetically- especially because the amount of satisfaction you get from the fantasy can help you decide how important that one aspect of the relationship is for you.

    The issue I think arises when you reach the conclusion that this aspect of the relationship has a real impact on your current and future happiness, and then don't take a critical step back to see how that might play out in the long-run. If these thoughts are so intrusive that you feel like it's affecting your day-to-day life and your overall satisfaction with the relationship, I think you owe it to yourself to have a really honest conversation with yourself. You should also let your husband know what you're feeling as well if that's the case. I assume you two have discussed having children together; have you shared any of these concerns with him? His views on these matters may help allay some of your fears. I'd encourage you to talk some of these concerns over with a counselor or therapist to help you frame your worries in the proper context, and potentially even bring your husband into the conversation in that setting.
    Last edited by fleurdelis; 10-20-2017 at 07:18 PM. Reason: typo
  7. Regular Member
    neilamoon's Avatar
    neilamoon is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Location
    Lemoore, CA
    Posts
    36
    #7
    I'm glad to hear some input from someone in a similar situation

    I think for me it's that I am dealing with all of those things: living on the other side of the country from my family, he is in the Navy and deployed, and he has kids from a previous relationship. I feel like I could deal with 2/3 of those things, but all 3 makes me question if it's worth it sometimes.

    I have talked to him about it- and he's been really sweet. He re-assures me that he is excited to have one with me and it will be great since we are planning it out and everything.

    I also plan on going to counseling when he gets back- for this and other reasons- so hopefully that will help a lot also.
  8. Senior Member
    Margot31's Avatar
    Margot31 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    896
    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by neilamoon View Post
    I'm glad to hear some input from someone in a similar situation

    I think for me it's that I am dealing with all of those things: living on the other side of the country from my family, he is in the Navy and deployed, and he has kids from a previous relationship. I feel like I could deal with 2/3 of those things, but all 3 makes me question if it's worth it sometimes.

    I have talked to him about it- and he's been really sweet. He re-assures me that he is excited to have one with me and it will be great since we are planning it out and everything.

    I also plan on going to counseling when he gets back- for this and other reasons- so hopefully that will help a lot also.
    Maybe also getting some personal for yourself while he is gone is a good idea too.
  9. Regular Member
    neilamoon's Avatar
    neilamoon is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Location
    Lemoore, CA
    Posts
    36
    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Sabrina22LE View Post
    I think he will be excited whether it's his first or his tenth, sure it won't be the first time he experiences some of the things that come with having a new baby, but his experience might help things run smoothly.

    I'd be careful not to exclude his kids from your heart. You said you don't want to share him and you don't want him to leave you and your future child when he goes to visit. Why don't you all go to visit? I think your future child(ren) should be able to form a relationship with their siblings and they might hold you in a special place in their heart someday as well. There's nothing wrong with blended families. By making the distinction between your kids together and HIS kids you could end up hurting his children and making them feel less loved.
    Those are all really good points.
    I never want them to feel excluded at all, and certainly never less loved. I usually do go with him to visit now, and we've all had a great time each time, so me having a child in the future shouldn't really change that, like you said.
  10. Regular Member
    neilamoon's Avatar
    neilamoon is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Location
    Lemoore, CA
    Posts
    36
    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Margot31 View Post
    Maybe also getting some personal for yourself while he is gone is a good idea too.
    I agree, I do think that might help.
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •