Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 19

Thread: Pregnant and depressed over my Dh deployment

  1. Fresh Newbie
    Melanie2020's Avatar
    Melanie2020 is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Posts
    7
    #1

    Pregnant and depressed over my Dh deployment

    Advertisements
    It's almost a month now he's been deployed to afghan and all I'm.getting is email from him every now and then, I proud of him for serving but the same time worried about his safety, I thought there would be better communication, I know alot of people use Skype and call home to there loved ones but he haven't done that yet, I'm wondering if he's avoiding me, since when ever I ask him, when will he call me or Skype me, he said there is noting he can do about communication there, that I know he wishes he could call or email as he wants, but I still want to believe he's avoiding me, I'm so stressed out right now, I was addmitted once to the ER already with my pregnancy since he left and the stress, my B.P went up and I started to bleed alittle, but I'm ok now, Baby is doing fine, I just want him to know I can't be stressing out like this, the baby is feeling it too, I wish he would explain better, why the communication is like this, please some advice need...
  2. Senior Member
    Margot31's Avatar
    Margot31 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    896
    #2
    1. he is sharing his communication with probably about 2000 (i don't know the actual number) of his closes friends and they only have so many computers.

    2. are you staying busy. Seeing friends, working, crafting, hobbies.........

    3. Have you thought about going and getting help as far as keeping your feelings in check?
  3. Senior Member
    villanelle's Avatar
    villanelle is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    14,790
    #3
    You say that a lot of other people use Skype and communicate more. Are those people on his deployment with him? Communication can very a lot from place to place and even over time, so I'd be careful about comparing his communication with anyone else's unless they are in the same place and under the same conditions.

    Also, have you very calmly and clearly communicated to him that you really need more, if he can give it? Is there something in your relationship or some background that makes you believe he would want to avoid you, and causes you not to trust that he's doing the best he can?
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
  4. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Tojai's Avatar
    Tojai is offline
    Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    St. Pete FL
    Posts
    30,026


    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    You say that a lot of other people use Skype and communicate more. Are those people on his deployment with him? Communication can very a lot from place to place and even over time, so I'd be careful about comparing his communication with anyone else's unless they are in the same place and under the same conditions.

    Also, have you very calmly and clearly communicated to him that you really need more, if he can give it? Is there something in your relationship or some background that makes you believe he would want to avoid you, and causes you not to trust that he's doing the best he can?
    I agree with this. When DH was in Afghanistan, his base was very remote and the Internet wasn't good enough for Skype. We got it to work once the whole year he was there, otherwise it was just email and phone calls. I was lucky because he was in a signal unit and had a lot of access to computers, but other soldiers had to wait in line to use the phones or computers if they wanted to communicate with family back home. But yeah it can really vary with availability depending on where they are and what's going on.

    It sounds like he knows you want to communicate more and he is saying the issue is with the availability he has. I also wonder if there is a reason you don't believe him? I also agree if you calmly let him know that you really want more communication and don't understand why it's not available, it might help to have him explain it to you. But I would be careful with how to phrase it; it's really easy (in my experience) for them to get on the defensive. If you tell him you're stressing out so bad it's compromising your health and the baby's health and he feels like it's his fault that could make communication more difficult, especially if like vill said he is doing the best he can.

    I wasn't pregnant, but I also had major health problems related to stress while DH was gone. In the end it was really something that had to be addressed on my part, not his. I got into counseling and I really made my mental and physical health a priority. Military One Source was great for setting me up with some counseling, but I also had to go through 2 therapists before I found one who was a really good fit for me.
  5. Fresh Newbie
    Melanie2020's Avatar
    Melanie2020 is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Posts
    7
    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Margot31 View Post
    1. he is sharing his communication with probably about 2000 (i don't know the actual number) of his closes friends and they only have so many computers.

    2. are you staying busy. Seeing friends, working, crafting, hobbies.........

    3. Have you thought about going and getting help as far as keeping your feelings in check?

    Hi there, Thank you, I want to believe he's not using a computer to email me, seems as if he's using his phone, I'm trying to stay busy, when I call his phone it rings just as if he was in service area, it's just confusing, whenever he emails.me is just so quick, I love and miss you and baby, can't wait to be home with us..hope he can get to Skype soon, he sent me his address for care packages and all that...I'm hoping things will get better, I hardly slept last night..
  6. Fresh Newbie
    Melanie2020's Avatar
    Melanie2020 is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Posts
    7
    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    I agree with this. When DH was in Afghanistan, his base was very remote and the Internet wasn't good enough for Skype. We got it to work once the whole year he was there, otherwise it was just email and phone calls. I was lucky because he was in a signal unit and had a lot of access to computers, but other soldiers had to wait in line to use the phones or computers if they wanted to communicate with family back home. But yeah it can really vary with availability depending on where they are and what's going on.

    It sounds like he knows you want to communicate more and he is saying the issue is with the availability he has. I also wonder if there is a reason you don't believe him? I also agree if you calmly let him know that you really want more communication and don't understand why it's not available, it might help to have him explain it to you. But I would be careful with how to phrase it; it's really easy (in my experience) for them to get on the defensive. If you tell him you're stressing out so bad it's compromising your health and the baby's health and he feels like it's his fault that could make communication more difficult, especially if like vill said he is doing the best he can.

    I wasn't pregnant, but I also had major health problems related to stress while DH was gone. In the end it was really something that had to be addressed on my part, not his. I got into counseling and I really made my mental and physical health a priority. Military One Source was great for setting me up with some counseling, but I also had to go through 2 therapists before I found one who was a really good fit for me.
    Hi there, thank you, and yes there is a reason for the bit of insecurity, everything was fine before he left, his family and I never seem to get along, and his sister always have something negative to say to me, I been through alot of dram with his family, but I kept being strong, this time I don't know if it was the pregnancy mood swings or what I responded to his sister and her husband went off on me, and they complain to him, I didn't even know they did that because for days my Dh ,ignored me and when I finally got mad at him and said I need to know what's going on ,this is not like you, then he told me he wasn't happy with the messages he was getting saying I sent some really nasty message to the guy, and that was it, he did not say anything for like 3 to 4 days and I was worried , he mom said she had heard from him , that made it more difficult I was depressed ..then on my Birthday he messaged me and said he loves me and the baby and he's not leaving me ,because that's what I asked him, or anything he just don't want any fighting with anyone, but what about the nasty things his brother in law said to me, so I guess it was ok for them to always humilate me and inslut me..but since then he's been just emailing me, almost ever other day, my worries was ,is he avoiding me, by not calling me or skyping me, cause he said hope he can Skype soon , it just confusing..I don't really know what to think or do..I haven't slept all night, was waiting on his reply..but no email from him, I wish he would come forward and say what's on his mind and all that so I'd know how to handle things with myself and baby home here..
  7. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Tojai's Avatar
    Tojai is offline
    Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    St. Pete FL
    Posts
    30,026


    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Melanie2020 View Post
    Hi there, thank you, and yes there is a reason for the bit of insecurity, everything was fine before he left, his family and I never seem to get along, and his sister always have something negative to say to me, I been through alot of dram with his family, but I kept being strong, this time I don't know if it was the pregnancy mood swings or what I responded to his sister and her husband went off on me, and they complain to him, I didn't even know they did that because for days my Dh ,ignored me and when I finally got mad at him and said I need to know what's going on ,this is not like you, then he told me he wasn't happy with the messages he was getting saying I sent some really nasty message to the guy, and that was it, he did not say anything for like 3 to 4 days and I was worried , he mom said she had heard from him , that made it more difficult I was depressed ..then on my Birthday he messaged me and said he loves me and the baby and he's not leaving me ,because that's what I asked him, or anything he just don't want any fighting with anyone, but what about the nasty things his brother in law said to me, so I guess it was ok for them to always humilate me and inslut me..but since then he's been just emailing me, almost ever other day, my worries was ,is he avoiding me, by not calling me or skyping me, cause he said hope he can Skype soon , it just confusing..I don't really know what to think or do..I haven't slept all night, was waiting on his reply..but no email from him, I wish he would come forward and say what's on his mind and all that so I'd know how to handle things with myself and baby home here..
    That sounds really awful. Having family drama can definitely make the stress higher on both of you. I don't think it was right of your DH to ignore you ... I understand he doesn't want any fighting between the people he loves, especially while he's away, and I hope he said that to BIL too. He should not be ok with his family insulting or humiliating you.

    In the meantime do you think it would help if you just put some distance between you and his family? Especially if you guys don't get along, it doesn't seem like communicating with them is causing you anything but stress and trouble. There are certain family members I have like that, that are just toxic, and after I distanced myself and put some firm boundaries in place I'm much happier.

    and I hope you hear from him soon!
  8. Senior Member
    idratherbehiking's Avatar
    idratherbehiking is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Location
    Arendelle
    Posts
    5,783
    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Melanie2020 View Post
    It's almost a month now he's been deployed to afghan and all I'm.getting is email from him every now and then, I proud of him for serving but the same time worried about his safety, I thought there would be better communication, I know alot of people use Skype and call home to there loved ones but he haven't done that yet, I'm wondering if he's avoiding me, since when ever I ask him, when will he call me or Skype me, he said there is noting he can do about communication there, that I know he wishes he could call or email as he wants, but I still want to believe he's avoiding me, I'm so stressed out right now, I was addmitted once to the ER already with my pregnancy since he left and the stress, my B.P went up and I started to bleed alittle, but I'm ok now, Baby is doing fine, I just want him to know I can't be stressing out like this, the baby is feeling it too, I wish he would explain better, why the communication is like this, please some advice need...
    Quote Originally Posted by Melanie2020 View Post
    Hi there, Thank you, I want to believe he's not using a computer to email me, seems as if he's using his phone, I'm trying to stay busy, when I call his phone it rings just as if he was in service area, it's just confusing, whenever he emails.me is just so quick, I love and miss you and baby, can't wait to be home with us..hope he can get to Skype soon, he sent me his address for care packages and all that...I'm hoping things will get better, I hardly slept last night..
    Quote Originally Posted by Melanie2020 View Post
    Hi there, thank you, and yes there is a reason for the bit of insecurity, everything was fine before he left, his family and I never seem to get along, and his sister always have something negative to say to me, I been through alot of dram with his family, but I kept being strong, this time I don't know if it was the pregnancy mood swings or what I responded to his sister and her husband went off on me, and they complain to him, I didn't even know they did that because for days my Dh ,ignored me and when I finally got mad at him and said I need to know what's going on ,this is not like you, then he told me he wasn't happy with the messages he was getting saying I sent some really nasty message to the guy, and that was it, he did not say anything for like 3 to 4 days and I was worried , he mom said she had heard from him , that made it more difficult I was depressed ..then on my Birthday he messaged me and said he loves me and the baby and he's not leaving me ,because that's what I asked him, or anything he just don't want any fighting with anyone, but what about the nasty things his brother in law said to me, so I guess it was ok for them to always humilate me and inslut me..but since then he's been just emailing me, almost ever other day, my worries was ,is he avoiding me, by not calling me or skyping me, cause he said hope he can Skype soon , it just confusing..I don't really know what to think or do..I haven't slept all night, was waiting on his reply..but no email from him, I wish he would come forward and say what's on his mind and all that so I'd know how to handle things with myself and baby home here..
    Can I ask how old you both are and how long you've been married?




  9. Senior Member
    AMP1984's Avatar
    AMP1984 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    378
    #9
    My DB isn't going to Afghanistan but one of my best friends has been to Afghanistan and Iraq and the communication there is a different beast than in other areas and like others have said it depends what unit he's in/what rank for how much access he will have. I know where my DB is going his phone will be shut off and he will ONLY have internet/Skype and we don't know how often but from what his CO had said before he left we are HOPING once a week.
    I know how difficult deployment has been on me and I'm barely into it, so much longer to go, and I am not pregnant but I have done 2 pregnancies and my ex-husband wasn't around for either one (though neither had to do with deployment my ex wasn't military). You can do it, I would suggest managing your expectations, once I accepted I was doing both pregnancies on my own and stopped expecting more form my then husband I handled things emotionally a lot better. In your case your DH cannot be around because he is deployed, it's not by his choice, it's the military. But you still have to manage expectations, I would take it at face value, he loves you and his communications are restricted, so try to re-train your brain to expect very limited communication while he's gone...
    As for family drama, my ex's family had A LOT of drama, I found stepping back from it was the best way to deal with it. I tried to detach myself as much as possible and when a response was needed to respond in kindness but while best I could staying out of it. If I disagreed or thought they were crazy I just kept my mouth shut and minded my own business because it's WAY better to be quiet and out of the drama then to have people who LOVE drama decide to unleash on you...just my personal experience.
  10. Fresh Newbie
    Melanie2020's Avatar
    Melanie2020 is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Posts
    7
    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by AMP1984 View Post
    My DB isn't going to Afghanistan but one of my best friends has been to Afghanistan and Iraq and the communication there is a different beast than in other areas and like others have said it depends what unit he's in/what rank for how much access he will have. I know where my DB is going his phone will be shut off and he will ONLY have internet/Skype and we don't know how often but from what his CO had said before he left we are HOPING once a week.
    I know how difficult deployment has been on me and I'm barely into it, so much longer to go, and I am not pregnant but I have done 2 pregnancies and my ex-husband wasn't around for either one (though neither had to do with deployment my ex wasn't military). You can do it, I would suggest managing your expectations, once I accepted I was doing both pregnancies on my own and stopped expecting more form my then husband I handled things emotionally a lot better. In your case your DH cannot be around because he is deployed, it's not by his choice, it's the military. But you still have to manage expectations, I would take it at face value, he loves you and his communications are restricted, so try to re-train your brain to expect very limited communication while he's gone...
    As for family drama, my ex's family had A LOT of drama, I found stepping back from it was the best way to deal with it. I tried to detach myself as much as possible and when a response was needed to respond in kindness but while best I could staying out of it. If I disagreed or thought they were crazy I just kept my mouth shut and minded my own business because it's WAY better to be quiet and out of the drama then to have people who LOVE drama decide to unleash on you...just my personal experience.
    Hi and thank you...I've kept away from his sister for a while and then all of a sudden it's just like she wanted to start crap, I've always been nice to her and his entire family , and it's like all my fault to stand up for myself , my Dh never told them anything from the beginning and I was tired of it, having to deal with his departure , my pregnancy and his safety out there was too much enough already , so I though I did good for me, didn't know it would turn out to be like this ,but I expected better from Dh...even though I know he's communicating with me and tells me he's not going to leave me and never will, somehow I feel as if things have changed , and I'm being kept away from stuff..I love my husband to the moon and back, and it hurts....good luck to you and your db on his deployment, pray for him and all the other safe return.
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •