Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 15

Thread: Problems with DB's best friend while DB's deployed

  1. Senior Member
    AMP1984's Avatar
    AMP1984 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    378
    #1

    Problems with DB's best friend while DB's deployed

    Advertisements
    So a little back story...my DB and I live together, when we met and were dating we actually both owned our own homes, he bought a house after his divorce and had roommates to help keep his expenses low while he paid off court stuff from his divorce...I bought a house because in Austin TX it's cheaper than renting so I wanted to keep my costs low and have a nice place for my kids and 2 dogs). When we discussed moving in together we went back and forth on which house to move into, mine was slightly bigger but his had more upgrades already completed and was in a much better school zone so in the end I went with the better school zone as my kids are young switching was feasible and the better school ended up being the deciding factor. I sold my place and we moved in with him.

    Well 2 weeks before DB left for deployment his best friend of 20 years had a falling out with his girlfriend whom he lived with (her house before they ever met) so he moved into our place as he had nowhere to go...so far I have had to deal with him not cleaning up after himself, bringing random women home at 1am multiple nights, different women, he wont' come in and out using the garage even though we have given him a remote opener he insists on using the front door (which seems like nothing but I have 2 70lb dogs and if you come in through the garage they don't make a peep but if you fumble outside the front door at 2am they bark their heads off), and then finally the other day he decided he wanted to run cables and drill holes in the walls and I was like, no! Did you talk to DB? Because he had told me he didn't want any holes or wires run anywhere...and the best friend was like "I'm not worried about it." and basically was going to do it anyways and completely dismissed me. So I called DB (as he's still stateside, he doesn't go overseas til closer to end of month) and told him, so he had to tell the best friend no...well he got super pissed off and left for a couple days then Sunday night called DB and talked to him for like 2 hours about how my dogs, my kids, me - we're the problem - not him...he still wants to live there but I need to be more accommodating and he doesn't want to listen to anything I say...I don't know exactly what they talked about for 2hours, but DB went from saying his best friend could leave if he wasn't happy with how things were to me having to be more accommodating and trying to make things work and that he didn't want any tension in the house...which I told DB is a little late...his friend is being a real jack ass...and while I get it's not ideal for him to live with us it's not exactly ideal for us, we're going out of our way to make accommodations for him because he's been irresponsible and his infidelity got him into trouble and his spending made it so he can't afford his own place so we're trying to help him out and he's being a tool making an already difficult transition to DB being deployed way harder and more stressful than it needs to be on myself and my kids...his friend has shown no respect for myself, for the house, even for DB since he moved in, he wants us all to bow down to him and do whatever he wants and that doesn't work for me...but now it's like DB isn't backing me anymore so I just feel like I want to move out, I wish I still had my house! I don't like feeling uncomfortable or unwelcome in my own home and I don't like coming home and dealing with attitude or snippy comments or rude and childish behavior....let alone dirty dishes or half eaten food laying around...

    While I'm to the point where if I never saw him again I'd be good with it, I also know this is DB's best friend since they were 18 (that's 20 years of friendship) so I definitely don't want to come between them, but I definitely don't feel like he has any respect for me or DB's and my relationship, he basically already asked DB if I could leave and they could have a bachelor pad when he came back from deployment...which of course DB was like NO, he told his best friend the long term plan is you find your own place and we live our life together as a family in our house...but I just feel super angry at the best friend for even asking that! Who does he think he is?!
  2. Senior Member
    Sabrina22LE's Avatar
    Sabrina22LE is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    1,394
    #2
    It sounds like he isn't planning on leaving any time soon. You wouldn't bother drilling holes and running cables into a place you're just crashing at for a short time and he even told your DB that he wants to move in permanently and replace you. You and DB need to figure out a date ASAP, then tell the friend short and sweet "You need to be out by [date]". How long you give him to get himself together and find his own place is up to you two, but I'd try to get him out before he gets even more comfortable. You can also establish some rules. "You are welcome to stay with us until [date] as long as you clean up your own mess, etc"

    We had a friend move in with us for what was supposed to be 2 weeks to a month and ended up being 3 months. He started out great, helped clean, was quiet and polite, but then he moved his wife in and they started making messes, breaking things, being loud. It's very important for you and DB to get on the same page and establish some rules and boundaries.
  3. Senior Member
    idratherbehiking's Avatar
    idratherbehiking is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Location
    Arendelle
    Posts
    5,783
    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by AMP1984 View Post
    So a little back story...my DB and I live together, when we met and were dating we actually both owned our own homes, he bought a house after his divorce and had roommates to help keep his expenses low while he paid off court stuff from his divorce...I bought a house because in Austin TX it's cheaper than renting so I wanted to keep my costs low and have a nice place for my kids and 2 dogs). When we discussed moving in together we went back and forth on which house to move into, mine was slightly bigger but his had more upgrades already completed and was in a much better school zone so in the end I went with the better school zone as my kids are young switching was feasible and the better school ended up being the deciding factor. I sold my place and we moved in with him.

    Well 2 weeks before DB left for deployment his best friend of 20 years had a falling out with his girlfriend whom he lived with (her house before they ever met) so he moved into our place as he had nowhere to go...so far I have had to deal with him not cleaning up after himself, bringing random women home at 1am multiple nights, different women, he wont' come in and out using the garage even though we have given him a remote opener he insists on using the front door (which seems like nothing but I have 2 70lb dogs and if you come in through the garage they don't make a peep but if you fumble outside the front door at 2am they bark their heads off), and then finally the other day he decided he wanted to run cables and drill holes in the walls and I was like, no! Did you talk to DB? Because he had told me he didn't want any holes or wires run anywhere...and the best friend was like "I'm not worried about it." and basically was going to do it anyways and completely dismissed me. So I called DB (as he's still stateside, he doesn't go overseas til closer to end of month) and told him, so he had to tell the best friend no...well he got super pissed off and left for a couple days then Sunday night called DB and talked to him for like 2 hours about how my dogs, my kids, me - we're the problem - not him...he still wants to live there but I need to be more accommodating and he doesn't want to listen to anything I say...I don't know exactly what they talked about for 2hours, but DB went from saying his best friend could leave if he wasn't happy with how things were to me having to be more accommodating and trying to make things work and that he didn't want any tension in the house...which I told DB is a little late...his friend is being a real jack ass...and while I get it's not ideal for him to live with us it's not exactly ideal for us, we're going out of our way to make accommodations for him because he's been irresponsible and his infidelity got him into trouble and his spending made it so he can't afford his own place so we're trying to help him out and he's being a tool making an already difficult transition to DB being deployed way harder and more stressful than it needs to be on myself and my kids...his friend has shown no respect for myself, for the house, even for DB since he moved in, he wants us all to bow down to him and do whatever he wants and that doesn't work for me...but now it's like DB isn't backing me anymore so I just feel like I want to move out, I wish I still had my house! I don't like feeling uncomfortable or unwelcome in my own home and I don't like coming home and dealing with attitude or snippy comments or rude and childish behavior....let alone dirty dishes or half eaten food laying around...

    While I'm to the point where if I never saw him again I'd be good with it, I also know this is DB's best friend since they were 18 (that's 20 years of friendship) so I definitely don't want to come between them, but I definitely don't feel like he has any respect for me or DB's and my relationship, he basically already asked DB if I could leave and they could have a bachelor pad when he came back from deployment...which of course DB was like NO, he told his best friend the long term plan is you find your own place and we live our life together as a family in our house...but I just feel super angry at the best friend for even asking that! Who does he think he is?!
    Did y'all ever work out a timeline of when this guy needs to get his own place and move out?

    This is a tough one because it's not your house and your DB no longer supports your position. Personally, that would bother me more than the roommate. If your DB thinks you need to be more accommodating, then is it possible that you could be overreacting to certain issues because this roommate already annoys you?




  4. Senior Member
    AMP1984's Avatar
    AMP1984 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    378
    #4
    I know DB is stressed right now and I haven't told him everything because I don't want to add to the stress...basically he wants us to get along and not having anyone not liking the other person or not talking to each other...which I feel at this point is likely too late...the main reason I got into it with him was because DB told me his friend is to do NO WORK to the house, no wires, no holes, no nothing, so I was standing up for what DB wanted and somehow that blew up in my face...but DB still says he wants him to do nothing to the house...DB also asked his friend to clean up after himself and come in through the garage and his friend said no, so he asked me if I could be more accommodating to him since his friend is too stubborn and too much of a *** (his wording) so that there's no tension or hard feelings and it's not awkward because he doesn't want to deal with the added stress when he's already dealing with deployment...so he just wants me to make it work somehow...and he's sorry I have to deal with and his friend is being such a bum about everything...he thinks he's just rebelling against rules in general and being almost 40 and having nowhere to go and unable to afford a house of his own...

    The deadline for his friend to move out is when DBs daughter starts college and she'll be needing his room to crash in which is like June 2019...so no time soon...his sister was visiting when we found out the news and she even told me DB will never kick him out if he has nowhere to go...he'll stay forever...
  5. Senior Member
    AMP1984's Avatar
    AMP1984 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    378
    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by idratherbehiking View Post
    Did y'all ever work out a timeline of when this guy needs to get his own place and move out?

    This is a tough one because it's not your house and your DB no longer supports your position. Personally, that would bother me more than the roommate. If your DB thinks you need to be more accommodating, then is it possible that you could be overreacting to certain issues because this roommate already annoys you?
    I should have probably further explained...DB was backing me then his best friend basically said he'd move back in with his GF and make things work even though he's unhappy there because he doesn't want to have to deal with our house rules so DB doesn't want him to go back to yet another bad relationship (he's had like 5 divorces because he has a history of doing this, moving in with someone because it's convenient or he doesn't have anywhere else to go so he forces something that isn't right) so DB is trying to "save him" from doing it again by being like, well lets just accommodate him so he doesn't go back to something that's super bad for him...and while I agree with DB his friend shouldn't make something work out of convenience or somewhere to live if he's not happy I also don't think throwing a temper tantrum like a child when told you can't make permanent changes to a house that you're a guest in is an appropriate way for a grown man to try to get his way...even before DB left my DB always parks in the right side of the driveway, that is his spot, always, and the first day his friend parked there and DB was like, haha you get a warning but don't do it again, that's my spot. Sure enough a couple days later we came home he was in his spot again...he doesn't care...he does what he wants...he has no respect for DB or myself and that makes it so hard to allow that kind of disrespectful behavior in our house in DB's absence...
  6. Senior Member
    idratherbehiking's Avatar
    idratherbehiking is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Location
    Arendelle
    Posts
    5,783
    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by AMP1984 View Post
    I know DB is stressed right now and I haven't told him everything because I don't want to add to the stress...basically he wants us to get along and not having anyone not liking the other person or not talking to each other...which I feel at this point is likely too late...the main reason I got into it with him was because DB told me his friend is to do NO WORK to the house, no wires, no holes, no nothing, so I was standing up for what DB wanted and somehow that blew up in my face...but DB still says he wants him to do nothing to the house...DB also asked his friend to clean up after himself and come in through the garage and his friend said no, so he asked me if I could be more accommodating to him since his friend is too stubborn and too much of a *** (his wording) so that there's no tension or hard feelings and it's not awkward because he doesn't want to deal with the added stress when he's already dealing with deployment...so he just wants me to make it work somehow...and he's sorry I have to deal with and his friend is being such a bum about everything...he thinks he's just rebelling against rules in general and being almost 40 and having nowhere to go and unable to afford a house of his own...

    The deadline for his friend to move out is when DBs daughter starts college and she'll be needing his room to crash in which is like June 2019...so no time soon...his sister was visiting when we found out the news and she even told me DB will never kick him out if he has nowhere to go...he'll stay forever...
    Quote Originally Posted by AMP1984 View Post
    I should have probably further explained...DB was backing me then his best friend basically said he'd move back in with his GF and make things work even though he's unhappy there because he doesn't want to have to deal with our house rules so DB doesn't want him to go back to yet another bad relationship (he's had like 5 divorces because he has a history of doing this, moving in with someone because it's convenient or he doesn't have anywhere else to go so he forces something that isn't right) so DB is trying to "save him" from doing it again by being like, well lets just accommodate him so he doesn't go back to something that's super bad for him...and while I agree with DB his friend shouldn't make something work out of convenience or somewhere to live if he's not happy I also don't think throwing a temper tantrum like a child when told you can't make permanent changes to a house that you're a guest in is an appropriate way for a grown man to try to get his way...even before DB left my DB always parks in the right side of the driveway, that is his spot, always, and the first day his friend parked there and DB was like, haha you get a warning but don't do it again, that's my spot. Sure enough a couple days later we came home he was in his spot again...he doesn't care...he does what he wants...he has no respect for DB or myself and that makes it so hard to allow that kind of disrespectful behavior in our house in DB's absence...
    He's almost 40, he's crashing with friends (is it rent free?), and he can't be a little respectful? I'm sorry, no. That's not how it works.

    Ugh that would piss me off. DH and I will never have roommates, ever. Every single married/dating/engaged couple I've known who had roommates wound up hating it in the end.




  7. I've got 32 flavors of that bootylicious bubblegum.
    rayfinkle's Avatar
    rayfinkle is offline
    I've got 32 flavors of that bootylicious bubblegum.
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    18,537
    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by idratherbehiking View Post
    He's almost 40, he's crashing with friends (is it rent free?), and he can't be a little respectful? I'm sorry, no. That's not how it works.

    Ugh that would piss me off. DH and I will never have roommates, ever. Every single married/dating/engaged couple I've known who had roommates wound up hating it in the end.
    Agreed! It never ends well.

    Even though he should be the one to leave it doesnít look like thatís going to happen. I would be looking for a new place.


    life's a party, rock your body
  8. Senior Member
    AMP1984's Avatar
    AMP1984 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    378
    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by rayfinkle View Post
    Agreed! It never ends well.

    Even though he should be the one to leave it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. I would be looking for a new place.
    I signed a rent to own contract on my own home when I moved in with him and my kids go to elementary school/daycare a block away from our house...plus it's all our furniture we merged everything and sold anything extra...DB owns the house so I can't let the friend stay there, he can't afford the mortgage and I can't pay for 2 houses...although I truly considered it yesterday...I mean how bad would it be to spend an extra $1800 a month if it means peace of mind...ugh
  9. Senior Member
    Medic2Doula's Avatar
    Medic2Doula is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Location
    San Diego, CA
    Posts
    1,330
    #9
    uh no.
    How old are your kids? I know I would NOT stand for even my husband's best friend making our dog bark at one in the morning or bringing around women we didn't know.
    Just no.
    I would talk to your boyfriend and tell him this is unacceptable, and although I'm not a fan of ultimatums, I would tell him he has a choice of who he wants living there, but it wasn't going to be you both.
    Keeping that in mind, I would look for another place to live.
    It is beyond unacceptable to expect you to deal with his friend while he is away.
  10. Senior Member
    Medic2Doula's Avatar
    Medic2Doula is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Location
    San Diego, CA
    Posts
    1,330
    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by AMP1984 View Post
    I should have probably further explained...DB was backing me then his best friend basically said he'd move back in with his GF and make things work even though he's unhappy there because he doesn't want to have to deal with our house rules so DB doesn't want him to go back to yet another bad relationship (he's had like 5 divorces because he has a history of doing this, moving in with someone because it's convenient or he doesn't have anywhere else to go so he forces something that isn't right) so DB is trying to "save him" from doing it again by being like, well lets just accommodate him so he doesn't go back to something that's super bad for him...and while I agree with DB his friend shouldn't make something work out of convenience or somewhere to live if he's not happy I also don't think throwing a temper tantrum like a child when told you can't make permanent changes to a house that you're a guest in is an appropriate way for a grown man to try to get his way...even before DB left my DB always parks in the right side of the driveway, that is his spot, always, and the first day his friend parked there and DB was like, haha you get a warning but don't do it again, that's my spot. Sure enough a couple days later we came home he was in his spot again...he doesn't care...he does what he wants...he has no respect for DB or myself and that makes it so hard to allow that kind of disrespectful behavior in our house in DB's absence...
    Does your db know what could happen to his OWN relationship if he puts the well being of a friend over that of you and your kids?
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •