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Thread: Don't Know If I Should Have Told Him

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    #1

    Don't Know If I Should Have Told Him

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    So,

    Recently, I found out some news that I had a serious life-threatening issue going on with my health. I know I will be fine as long as I am treated. I really did not want to tell my DB because he's on deployment and I didn't want to worry him. It just spilled out one day when he called and asked what was wrong. He could hear it in my voice. Now, I feel like I piled a ton of worry on him. He's all sad and depressed lately because he's working like a dog and I don't know if I did the right thing.

    He wants me to tell him about all the stuff that's happening, obtuse and acute as it may be, but I know how it hurts him to hear about things like that. What do I do in the future with events such as these?

    Susan
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by susbro510 View Post
    So,

    Recently, I found out some news that I had a serious life-threatening issue going on with my health. I know I will be fine as long as I am treated. I really did not want to tell my DB because he's on deployment and I didn't want to worry him. It just spilled out one day when he called and asked what was wrong. He could hear it in my voice. Now, I feel like I piled a ton of worry on him. He's all sad and depressed lately because he's working like a dog and I don't know if I did the right thing.

    He wants me to tell him about all the stuff that's happening, obtuse and acute as it may be, but I know how it hurts him to hear about things like that. What do I do in the future with events such as these?

    Susan
    Personally, I think you did the right thing. Of course he's going to worry about you! He cares, and that's a good thing. Imagine though, if you waited/didn't tell him. You'd have ended up going through it alone, and then when he eventually did find out, he would likely (given he said he wants to hear about everything that's going on with you) be upset/feel guilty that you didn't tell him about something serious in your life because you were worried about if it would stress him out. I understand where you're coming from with that, but someone who cares about you will want to make sure that you're okay, especially in the situation of having a potentially life threatening health issue. I speak from experience, I found out this year on Valentine's Day that I had skin cancer(albeit a non life threatening form), and I called DB and actually apologized for ruining the day with the bad news. I had my surgery to remove the cancerous cells while he was underway for a couple of weeks, and I didn't want to stress him out, but he wanted to know how things went and if they found more cancer, etc. etc. because he cares about my health and wellbeing. Most of my life threatening health issues happened before I met him, but he and I have discussed (based on my previous bad luck with my health) that if anything is to happen to me while he's gone, he wants to know immediately because he will do everything in his power to improve the situation.

    Sorry that got kind of long, just wanted to provide examples from personal experience. If you need anyone to talk to about the health stuff, please don't hesitate to shoot me a message. I know it can get stressful, even moreso when you don't want to worry your loved ones.
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    #3
    It is not healthy for relationships when you keep secrets, especially not about very important things. Would you want him not to tell you about something important, just because you were stressed? It creates a distance between you, and it prevents you from being there to support on another.

    In generally, unless it is time sensitive, if he's having a terrible day or something, I won't tell him that day. But I'm not going wait for more than a few days, and if it's something hugely important, I'll tell him right away. It's what he wants, and it's what works best for us.

    Talk to him about this and see if he feels the same way. Ask him if he wants you to keep stuff from him, or how he wants this stuff to be handled in the future. But for the sake of your relationship, you should be able to talk about the things that are important to you, even if they aren't always pleasant. But it sounds like he told he you wants to know, so you have to trust that he means that.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by xylilz View Post
    Personally, I think you did the right thing. Of course he's going to worry about you! He cares, and that's a good thing. Imagine though, if you waited/didn't tell him. You'd have ended up going through it alone, and then when he eventually did find out, he would likely (given he said he wants to hear about everything that's going on with you) be upset/feel guilty that you didn't tell him about something serious in your life because you were worried about if it would stress him out. I understand where you're coming from with that, but someone who cares about you will want to make sure that you're okay, especially in the situation of having a potentially life threatening health issue. I speak from experience, I found out this year on Valentine's Day that I had skin cancer(albeit a non life threatening form), and I called DB and actually apologized for ruining the day with the bad news. I had my surgery to remove the cancerous cells while he was underway for a couple of weeks, and I didn't want to stress him out, but he wanted to know how things went and if they found more cancer, etc. etc. because he cares about my health and wellbeing. Most of my life threatening health issues happened before I met him, but he and I have discussed (based on my previous bad luck with my health) that if anything is to happen to me while he's gone, he wants to know immediately because he will do everything in his power to improve the situation.

    Sorry that got kind of long, just wanted to provide examples from personal experience. If you need anyone to talk to about the health stuff, please don't hesitate to shoot me a message. I know it can get stressful, even moreso when you don't want to worry your loved ones.
    That was very helpful. Thank you. I need to focus on communicating those things to him
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    It is not healthy for relationships when you keep secrets, especially not about very important things. Would you want him not to tell you about something important, just because you were stressed? It creates a distance between you, and it prevents you from being there to support on another.

    In generally, unless it is time sensitive, if he's having a terrible day or something, I won't tell him that day. But I'm not going wait for more than a few days, and if it's something hugely important, I'll tell him right away. It's what he wants, and it's what works best for us.

    Talk to him about this and see if he feels the same way. Ask him if he wants you to keep stuff from him, or how he wants this stuff to be handled in the future. But for the sake of your relationship, you should be able to talk about the things that are important to you, even if they aren't always pleasant. But it sounds like he told he you wants to know, so you have to trust that he means that.
    You're right. I will let him know about these things. when the timing is right. I mean, it really worries everyone. So, I should just come out with it
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    #6
    I understand wanting to protect him, but your health is important and he should know. You did the right thing .


    I hope you are healed very soon!
    "She knew she loved him when 'home' went from being a place to being a person."

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