Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 27

Thread: need advice bad and quick

  1. Fresh Newbie
    tilldeath502's Avatar
    tilldeath502 is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    2
    #1

    need advice bad and quick

    Advertisements
    My wife and I have 2 children, I currently have a full time job as an ironworker with chance to own the company I work for. Our marriage is on the rocks, she says that if I told her that she couldn't join the army she would divorce me, also that we would be more financially sound if she goes in, also the boys will make friends and so on and so forth. With my job alone I double the yearly total amount that a staff sergeant makes. I love my wife, I only want to see her happy... yes I'm the cause of marriage being on the rocks. She says that if she joins then we can get marriage counseling and fix our marriage I say we can do it even if she doesn't join but she believes we wouldn't be able to afford it which I understand. She's strong enough to try and work on our marriage if she joins but if I decide to not allow her too then she will divorce me why would she do this back me into a corner and make me have to fight like a dog against my feelings and emotions. Truly I will lose my happiness and I'll remain depressed constantly if she joins because I'm miserable without her. She thinks overall that is the best choice for our family, I truly feel inside that it's not the best choice. Ironically I did a lot of research on the pros and cons of being married with an enlisted spouse and the cons out weigh the pros substantially. The money she will be making there isn't worth it, the time she must sacrifice away from our family isn't worth it I've missed out on so much of our oldest life why is that she now will willingly walk away from the kids for months to years at a time? Am I wrong for thinking she's kind of selfish with her decision making here? She want to protect our family, how can she do that millions of miles away if they attack home? This woman is my everything I'll go to the end of the world and back for her and I will always have her back no matter if she's right or wrong. I think she truly didn't take everything that will be sacrificed into deep consideration.... should I still say yes or should I say no?
  2. Senior Member
    kt_bug's Avatar
    kt_bug is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    CA
    Posts
    521
    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by tilldeath502 View Post
    My wife and I have 2 children, I currently have a full time job as an ironworker with chance to own the company I work for. Our marriage is on the rocks, she says that if I told her that she couldn't join the army she would divorce me, also that we would be more financially sound if she goes in, also the boys will make friends and so on and so forth. With my job alone I double the yearly total amount that a staff sergeant makes. I love my wife, I only want to see her happy... yes I'm the cause of marriage being on the rocks. She says that if she joins then we can get marriage counseling and fix our marriage I say we can do it even if she doesn't join but she believes we wouldn't be able to afford it which I understand. She's strong enough to try and work on our marriage if she joins but if I decide to not allow her too then she will divorce me why would she do this back me into a corner and make me have to fight like a dog against my feelings and emotions. Truly I will lose my happiness and I'll remain depressed constantly if she joins because I'm miserable without her. She thinks overall that is the best choice for our family, I truly feel inside that it's not the best choice. Ironically I did a lot of research on the pros and cons of being married with an enlisted spouse and the cons out weigh the pros substantially. The money she will be making there isn't worth it, the time she must sacrifice away from our family isn't worth it I've missed out on so much of our oldest life why is that she now will willingly walk away from the kids for months to years at a time? Am I wrong for thinking she's kind of selfish with her decision making here? She want to protect our family, how can she do that millions of miles away if they attack home? This woman is my everything I'll go to the end of the world and back for her and I will always have her back no matter if she's right or wrong. I think she truly didn't take everything that will be sacrificed into deep consideration.... should I still say yes or should I say no?
    I think the fact that you think you get to "allow" her to or not is highly problematic. It sounds like she's already made up her mind saying she'll divorce you if you don't support her decision. So it's really a question of would you rather have her and the military or not have her at all.
  3. The name says it all!
    ALil2Naughty's Avatar
    ALil2Naughty is offline
    The name says it all!
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Loki's chambers
    Posts
    26,360

    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by kt_bug View Post
    I think the fact that you think you get to "allow" her to or not is highly problematic. It sounds like she's already made up her mind saying she'll divorce you if you don't support her decision. So it's really a question of would you rather have her and the military or not have her at all.

    DH: Thank you. ME: For what, babe? DH: For being you.




  4. Senior Member
    villanelle's Avatar
    villanelle is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    14,790
    #4
    Hopefully "allow" was just a very poor choice of words, meant to convey giving the decision your blessing and support. Assuming that's the case, I don't think you are being selfish. I think these things should be joint decisions in a marriage and that generally, the "no" vote should have more weight when it comes to something that would fundamentally change things.

    Also, I don't think I'd want to be with someone who threatened divorce if she didn't get what she wanted. Was the military discussed as an option before kids and marriage, or is this new?

    Would she be open to compromise? What if you agreed to 10 counseling sessions together, during which you discuss both the military and the general state of your relationship before she commits to anything? You aren't saying you can't and won't support it, but you are saying you want time to explore the options together with the help of an outsider?

    Military marriage can be tough. I think it's the last thing people who are already having relationship problems would be doing. If things are strained, the military is way, way unlikely to make them better. But if your wife can't or won't see that, it's a difficult position to be in.

    If you had to say what your biggest concern is, what would your answer be? You mention money several times. Is it that, or the time apart, or something else?

    When you looked at the money, did you look at all the pay? A service member's basic pay is not anywhere near all the compensation. Depending on the rank and location and other particulars, sometimes it can be barely more than half. There is a housing allowance (location specific, or sometimes you are given a free house and utilities instead, which obviously saves a ton of money), BAS, and often other special pays (family separation pay during a deployment, special pays or certain jobs, tax free benefits if working in certain areas, and potentially other things). Also, remember you'll have free healthcare and some other things that may cancel out some of your current expenses.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
  5. Senior Member
    missinghim's Avatar
    missinghim is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    9,316
    #5
    I'm married to an enlisted man in the AF. We have 2 children and I am an RN that has an earning ability of significantly more than my husband's pay, but find it difficult to work. Finding a job is easy, but with his weekly schedule changes, deployments, TDYs, etc, finding childcare is not easy.

    I don't know if my view is popular, but I don't like the idea of raising a family in the military lifestyle. Of course there are major positives, but for me the cons outweigh them. My husband's career causes us to move every three years or so. I don't like the idea of interrupting school for my children and forcing them to be 'resilient' when they're just kids. I want them to have stability both in their educational careers and their personal lives. I want them to grow up near extended family. I want their dad to not be gone 65% of each year for TDYs and deployments.

    I grew up moving around because my Dad is a mechanical engineer. We moved every 2-3 years and my mom hated it. When I hit 6th grade she told my dad we wouldn't move again to give me stability with sports and school, especially for college. I'm really grateful for that because I was a shy kid and moving was hell for me.

    So basically, no I don't think the military lifestyle is the best for me and my family. BUT every military career is different. I know people who have been at the base we're at now for 7 and 8 years. It really comes down to what career they are in.
    Never do anything halfway unless you want to be half happy.

    Is this a dream? If it is, please don't wake me from this high. I'd become comfortably numb
    until you opened up my eyes to what it's like when everything is right...I can't believe you found me ♥
  6. Senior Member
    Medic2Doula's Avatar
    Medic2Doula is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Location
    San Diego, CA
    Posts
    1,330
    #6
    beg pardon, who gave you such authority over a grown ass woman?

    I think it's incredibly selfish of YOU to assume her only role in life is wife and mother.

    now that's out of the way...

    you can tell her your ideal plan, but assure her that if she goes, you will be at her bootcamp graduation with bells on.
  7. Senior Member
    missinghim's Avatar
    missinghim is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    9,316
    #7
    So I totally get it that maybe his choice of wording is wrong, but I guarantee you that if tomorrow my husband told me he was getting out of the military to buy land in SD and be a farmer I would 'not allow' that to happen because it affects our entire family.

    When you're in a family, you have to take what is best for that family into consideration. If lowering their income significantly, moving the family to who know where, making it possibly impossible/difficult for her husband to find a job is what her choice would mean then yeah, I'd say he gets a pretty big say in that family choice.

    If she's cool with him staying where he is with the kids while she goes off to live her army dream, that's a little different I suppose.

    OP: has she considered the guard/reserves for your state?
  8. Senior Member
    Heisenberg's Avatar
    Heisenberg is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    South Florida
    Posts
    16,413
    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by missinghim View Post
    So I totally get it that maybe his choice of wording is wrong, but I guarantee you that if tomorrow my husband told me he was getting out of the military to buy land in SD and be a farmer I would 'not allow' that to happen because it affects our entire family.

    When you're in a family, you have to take what is best for that family into consideration. If lowering their income significantly, moving the family to who know where, making it possibly impossible/difficult for her husband to find a job is what her choice would mean then yeah, I'd say he gets a pretty big say in that family choice.

    If she's cool with him staying where he is with the kids while she goes off to live her army dream, that's a little different I suppose.

    OP: has she considered the guard/reserves for your state?
    I totally agree. I get that it's offputting to think a man might think his say in a woman's life choices matter more than what she wants, but they're married with children. I wouldn't "allow" it either. There's nothing in this post that makes me think she's being reasonable in expecting him to be cool with her joining the army. I also think she's being manipulative and unreasonable by only agreeing to marriage counseling if she's allowed to join. It doesn't sound like she has much interest in fixing the marriage at all.
  9. Senior Member
    bdizzle's Avatar
    bdizzle is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    19,693
    #9
    I would be ready to divorce someone if they said "this is is what I'm doing whether you like it or not and I don't care how it affects you and if you show any resistance I'm leaving you"

    well, ok, bye Felicia


  10. Senior Member
    Medic2Doula's Avatar
    Medic2Doula is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Location
    San Diego, CA
    Posts
    1,330
    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by missinghim View Post
    So I totally get it that maybe his choice of wording is wrong, but I guarantee you that if tomorrow my husband told me he was getting out of the military to buy land in SD and be a farmer I would 'not allow' that to happen because it affects our entire family.

    When you're in a family, you have to take what is best for that family into consideration. If lowering their income significantly, moving the family to who know where, making it possibly impossible/difficult for her husband to find a job is what her choice would mean then yeah, I'd say he gets a pretty big say in that family choice.

    If she's cool with him staying where he is with the kids while she goes off to live her army dream, that's a little different I suppose.

    OP: has she considered the guard/reserves for your state?
    I disagree (but what is right for one family may not be for another).
    If my husband wanted to be a farmer, I would be very happy lol.
    But say he wanted to be something else (we eventually want to get a farm, so that is an unfair comparison) like a banker... or, a construction worker.... or a professional tennis player?
    I would support him. Just as he supports me in my adventures like, "I'm going tk be a firefighter in Georgia," "I think I might want to go to medic school," "I want to stay home with my kids," "just kidding I want to teach fire science," "just kidding, I want to work in the ER," "maybe I want to be a doula," and now it's my turn to be with the kids while he does his dream.

    I realize how fickle I am with my career pushing 30....
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •