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Thread: Not sure what to do next

  1. Senior Member
    ArmyCupcake's Avatar
    ArmyCupcake is offline
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    #1

    Not sure what to do next

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    Sabrina's post inspired me a bit. I have a similar situation with different details which might change responses.

    My old college roommate and best friend of more than 10 years now, lost her husband 18ish months ago now. It was sudden and a shock to everyone. It's clearly been a rough road since, and I thought I was helping her through things. Planned weekends for us, sent surprise boxes//cards in the mail and called or texted nearly every day. Just so she'd know how much she was supported and never alone. We live about 2 hrs from each other, so literally finding every which way to show her I'm thinking of her.

    Well she quickly fell in love again (was so happy for her!) New man is 12 years older than her and has two kids (8 and 10). Hrs a nice guy. The last time she came over she said she could sense I didn't like him. I said that oh no, I like him well enough, but if I had to choose someone for you, I'd probably go with someone with less baggage.(not exact words). I realize now this was the wrong thing to say. However, she kept at it, asking me what I thought and why she had a "weird" feeling. I felt trapped and felt it better to be honest than to keep lying to her.

    We talked about it, cried together, and then she went home. I get an email a week or so later expressing her feelings, saying how hurt she was, wrong I was, etc. and that she wanted to get these feelings out so she wouldn't avoid me (which is what she would have done). Appreciated her doing that. I responded and thought we'd be good. Well, after a few months of giving her space, I texted her the other day, saying that I don't know what else to do, does she want me to leave her alone or continue to reach out. She continued to say she still needs time. Then said "maybe we can chat this week". That was on Monday. No word.

    Here's the question l: her birthday is on Monday (September 11...I know, right?). We've ALWAYS celebrated. Like the past 10 years we've gone on some adventure together, met up, done something. What do I do? Do I leave her alone and ignore it? I don't want to push her, but don't want her to think i don't care about her anymore... especially with everything she's been through. Any thoughts on how to show love from afar? I don't want to send flowers or an edible arrangement or anything because I feel like it would bring back memories of the funeral. Would you do anything?

    Also any advice on how to "fix" our relationship is appreciated. I've apologized, but it doesn't seem to matter. That one comment has literally taken my friend away.
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    villanelle is offline
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    I would probably send a very heartfelt message to her, telling her how much I miss her friendship, how very sorry I am about what I said and how I said it, and telling her that with her birhtday coming up, I am especially feeling the loss of her in my life, and asking if maybe she would consider meeting you for lunch on Monday, or, if she's busy with other birthday plans, dinner on Tuesday. (I think it's important to offer something specific as things like "maybe next week" rarely ever happen.)

    I would also send something. Probably not flowers, but I would send something.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    I would probably send a very heartfelt message to her, telling her how much I miss her friendship, how very sorry I am about what I said and how I said it, and telling her that with her birhtday coming up, I am especially feeling the loss of her in my life, and asking if maybe she would consider meeting you for lunch on Monday, or, if she's busy with other birthday plans, dinner on Tuesday. (I think it's important to offer something specific as things like "maybe next week" rarely ever happen.)

    I would also send something. Probably not flowers, but I would send something.
    ^^All of this. If you're looking for something to send, if she has a favorite store or something, maybe you could have a gift shipped to her?

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