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Thread: Grab some popcorn...help!

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    #1

    Help Grab some popcorn...help!

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    I separated from my Ex husband of 9 years in December 2014. After months of emotional exchanges we became quite good friends. We talked to each other about everything, even who we were dating. We did things together with the girls (like sit together at gymnastics). At that time he was an E6, When I left I only took my clothes. I didn’t take a dime. He got the house, I gave him my car. He kept the girls because I knew I couldn’t financially or physically care for them like he could. He knew that once I got established at my job and had a place for them to live with me than our custody agreement would change. I still saw them all the time, we didn't really go by the parenting plan for the first couple months.

    So our schedule was this: I had the girls every weekend, Friday after school until 8pm on Sunday and every Tuesday. About 2 weeks after our divorce was final he met his wife. I was super happy for him. I was in a great relationship and now so was he. So it was great. Then came January. I talked to him about changing the schedule so I could have the girls more during the school week. I told him I was going to get a lawyer just to legalize any agreement between us.
    So we came to an agreement and had it signed by a notary because he begged me not to get a lawyer… So February Comes and he gets engaged. Our friendship had kinda started going down the drain but I was ok with it because we still got along when dealing with our girls.
    In April he got married and then went for 6 weeks of field training. During that time the girls stayed with me but in effort to be civil I let their new step mom pick them up for church and even let them stay with her for a weekend (when my boyfriend-now husband got back from deployment).
    But HOLY SHIT he gets back and starts treating me like scum. Out of nowhere! I have my ideas – one of them being I ended up getting married at the end of May. BUT he got married to his gf of 5 months- I had been with my SO for almost a year and a half….
    Anyway- I got a lawyer because he started using the girls against me. I filed to modify custody-not to take the girls away- but to create a 5050 schedule. I still wanted it to be fair.
    So during the last year: he got orders to a different state and ultimately ended up moving with my girls… all because they slept at his house more than mine he was allowed….even during an ongoing custody dispute…
    Oh but then MY husband gets orders to japan…WTF TIMING!! I was supposed to go but I told him I couldn’t. so he had his orders changed to unaccompanied.
    This has been the hardest 2 years of my life. I have done EVERYTHING possible to avoid conflict with my ex. And for a LONG time I tried not to consider that his wife has everything to do with how he is now…but I cant anymore. It is 100% her. And I don’t understand why.
    He tells the girls I am a liar (because I tell them I want me and their dad to be friends… well im sorry I don’t think telling them I hate him will do any good. I guess he does though because the girls are very aware of how much he hates me). He alienates them in every way he can.
    I don’t know how to be the bitchy asshole in this situation. Im always afraid of what will happen if I retaliate at him. I want my girls back. They are my life.
    So I have decided to move to where they life now… my husband lives in japan so why not; I gave up my career… I proposed a 5050 schedule for when I move and he refused… My lawyer seems to shy away from me fighting for custody because the judges here are 100% shared custody.. well I am too but My situation and the narcissist im dealing with has completely changed my feelings towards it. I want primary custody. I don't want him taking them away again because I wont follow him around...
    Has anyone had to fight for custody? What happened? What should I do? Im at a loss. Im alone. I miss my babies. I miss my husband. I cant catch a freaking break…
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    #2
    I would try for primary but not be disappointed if you came out with 50/50. If you move where they are, I think that would be fair.
    They go low, you go high
    your girls will grow and remember how each of you spoke about the other, they are smart. Be the parent they remember who refused to talk badly about the other to them, blast him on here all you want, but to them, he is their daddy, and they will appreciate you holding back for them. It won't help him win custody to speak badly of you to them, but they will grow to see what a selfish move that is.

    My dh was in Japan for 3 years when I was in a new city for school, I'm sorry, I'm here if you need anything.
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    You will likely have an uphill battle, simple because there was an established custody plan and you willing consented to give him primary custody. So primary seems like a pretty lofty goal. Also, have you thought about how you will handle travel expenses and splitting time if he moves again or when your DH gets back from Japan and is stationed in a different area? Unless you are committed to following your Ex around and not living with your DH (and you said you won't do that), this is something you need to give serious thought to, and discuss with your lawyer. It is not uncommon for custody agreements to say that the child can't be moved out of state, or more than X miles away, but with two military families, that doesn't seem entirely practical.

    Also, your lawyer is the expert in this. If you don't trust him or believe him, it's probably time to get a new lawyer. And if you do trust him, then listen to what he's saying. It may well be that not only is the primary custody thing unlikely to happen, but filing for it could reflect poorly on you in court. Your lawyer has seen all of this before and if he thinks it isn't a good idea for you to go for significantly more time and responsibility than 50/50, there's a reason for that. yes, your Ex sounds like a dick. But the courts don't really care much about that unless it rises to the level of abuse or neglect. Unfortunately, this is the man who you had children with, and in general the courts try hard to allow both parents to be very involved if they want to be. So I'd try to get right mentally with the idea of 50/50, figure out what you want that to look like in terms of moving for either you or your Ex, and cross your fingers that the courts see good reason to change what you legally agreed to in the past.

    Good luck. When parents move, custody gets so much more difficult, and it creates really difficult situations.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    Thank you. It's so hard not to blast him but I never do... I always resist. And I know one day the girls will appreciate that.
    I really screwed my self all because I thought I was doing what was best for them
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    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    You will likely have an uphill battle, simple because there was an established custody plan and you willing consented to give him primary custody. So primary seems like a pretty lofty goal. Also, have you thought about how you will handle travel expenses and splitting time if he moves again or when your DH gets back from Japan and is stationed in a different area? Unless you are committed to following your Ex around and not living with your DH (and you said you won't do that), this is something you need to give serious thought to, and discuss with your lawyer. It is not uncommon for custody agreements to say that the child can't be moved out of state, or more than X miles away, but with two military families, that doesn't seem entirely practical.

    Also, your lawyer is the expert in this. If you don't trust him or believe him, it's probably time to get a new lawyer. And if you do trust him, then listen to what he's saying. It may well be that not only is the primary custody thing unlikely to happen, but filing for it could reflect poorly on you in court. Your lawyer has seen all of this before and if he thinks it isn't a good idea for you to go for significantly more time and responsibility than 50/50, there's a reason for that. yes, your Ex sounds like a dick. But the courts don't really care much about that unless it rises to the level of abuse or neglect. Unfortunately, this is the man who you had children with, and in general the courts try hard to allow both parents to be very involved if they want to be. So I'd try to get right mentally with the idea of 50/50, figure out what you want that to look like in terms of moving for either you or your Ex, and cross your fingers that the courts see good reason to change what you legally agreed to in the past.

    Good luck. When parents move, custody gets so much more difficult, and it creates really difficult situations.
    Thanks. My lawyer has said I have a great case against him. Especially since I have proof that I've always made attempts to co parent with no malicious intent. It's just the commonality of what happens here- 50/50 always. And as I said I'm all for that, I always say just because I hate him doesn't mean the girls need to. But when he does the things he does and says nasty things about me to the girls... it makes me sick. I appreciate your reply.
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    #6
    I hate to say this; but, as you both are in different states now, you can't really do 50/50 especially, if your children are in school.

    You need to talk with your lawyer and get this figured out now. This should be talking about and established what to do. If he has primary custody, you should be asking for Christmas break and the summer to have the girls. That way, they are keeping consistent.

    As both of you are in a military relationships, you need to figure this one out. Get a legal document and follow it.
    "Obstinacy is a fault of temperament. Stubbornness and Intolerance of contradiction result from a special kind of Egotism, which elevates above everything else the pleasure of its own autonomous intellect, to which others must bow.: Carl von Clausewitz
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    Quote Originally Posted by DakotaCowgirl View Post
    I hate to say this; but, as you both are in different states now, you can't really do 50/50 especially, if your children are in school.

    You need to talk with your lawyer and get this figured out now. This should be talking about and established what to do. If he has primary custody, you should be asking for Christmas break and the summer to have the girls. That way, they are keeping consistent.

    As both of you are in a military relationships, you need to figure this one out. Get a legal document and follow it.
    I did state I decided to move to where they are and with that proposed a 5050 schedule.
  8. "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me"
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by sfausett View Post
    I did state I decided to move to where they are and with that proposed a 5050 schedule.
    that is great, but what are you going to do for future?
    Your ex or your DH could get orders again, then what? You can't keep following your ex around. Does the state he is in now allow for full custody vs 50/50? What does your lawyer say about you giving up your girls to him to begin with? Does that look bad for you for getting primary custody, should you be able to do it when you move?
    And what if your ex fights back and says you are not allowed to move after getting primary or 50/50 custody?

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't
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    Quote Originally Posted by TrishAFSpouse View Post
    that is great, but what are you going to do for future?
    Your ex or your DH could get orders again, then what? You can't keep following your ex around. Does the state he is in now allow for full custody vs 50/50? What does your lawyer say about you giving up your girls to him to begin with? Does that look bad for you for getting primary custody, should you be able to do it when you move?
    And what if your ex fights back and says you are not allowed to move after getting primary or 50/50 custody?
    Yup and how long will your current husband want to go along with this?

    A lawyer is your best bet and you and your hubby better sit down and decide what is best for your current family too.
    "Obstinacy is a fault of temperament. Stubbornness and Intolerance of contradiction result from a special kind of Egotism, which elevates above everything else the pleasure of its own autonomous intellect, to which others must bow.: Carl von Clausewitz
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    Right. These other ladies have stated more directly what I was trying to get to in most post. If you come up with custody agreement that states what happens while you are living near your Ex, you are just going to end up in court again (and paying more lawyer fees) when the Ex moves, or when your DH gets stationed somewhere in the US, unless you and your husband are willing to live apart indefinitely--potentially for years-- and then commit to moving every time your Ex does even after your DH gets out of the military. That's just not practical.

    So you need a plan that not only addresses the two or so years while your DH is in Japan and you are living near your Ex, but after that. Generally, what I've seen is that one parent gets basically the school year, and the other gets summers and Winter and Spring breaks. Usually, the parent that gets the school year has to pay for transporting the child (which often included the parent buying two round trip tickets for him or herself, along with the ticket for the kiddo, so the kid doesn't fly alone--depending on age and parent comfort levels).

    This usually seems to work well with little kids, but as they get older, it gets really hard on them because the miss out on summers with friends, which is a huge deal to them as they get older and those social networks become more important, and as any sports or activities have summer programs or training. Depending on the age of your DDs, this may or may not be a concern yet, at least.

    How do you imagine 50/50 working? What are you picturing? In 3 years when your DH is back from Japan and stationed in Florida and your Ex has PCSed to CA (or whatever, what do you envision that looking like? Are either of them fully committed to getting out of the military soon, and even if they are, would they be willing to move every time the other family PCSes? It seems like you aren't being all that realistic, because there's no way I can think of that a true 50/50 split would work. Unless you and your Ex live within 2 hours or less of each other (and even that would start getting pretty taxing for the girls). So what are you imaging? That you basically follow your Ex around and don't live with your DH? I'm trying to figure out how you even picture this working.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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