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Thread: Fiancee is Emotionally Detached

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    #1

    Fiancee is Emotionally Detached

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    My fiancee and I have been together for almost 4 years and we are planning a wedding for next year l. We have been through 6 weeks of OCS (barely any contact), 6 months of TBS (some contact, I visited him almost once a month) and we moved in together after his TBS graduation. We have been living in Pensacola, where he is attending flight school, for almost two years.

    Lately, I've been feeling sick (antibiotics foe the last two weeks) and I started a new BC pill. I also gave up a full-time position teaching, because we aren't sure when we are moving again and I didn't want to leave halfway through the year. With that being said, I have been spending a lot of time alone in the apartment. (Note: DF was out of flight training for most of the summer and he just started back up, also I just started a part time job.) Last night I tried to talk to him about how I've been feeling - sad, lonely, like I'm his maid and how I don't feel appreciated/affirmed as much as I used to.

    I have been holding these feelings in, because I know it can be damaging to his work, but last night he prodded me, when I told him I didn't want him to be distracted about something less important than flight school.

    As usual, when I open up about my emotions, he is completely detached from me. I know that he is working crazy long days, but he said it is "A struggle" to walk in the door and kiss me before putting all of his stuff away and starting his work. The time that we do see eachother, he is on his computer or phone, either doing work or messaging friends/family. He asked me, "why can't this happen on a weekend?" (Meaning the conversation about my emotions.) And essentially that he doesn't have time for my emotions and his advice was to suck it up.

    I usually do suck it up, but for some reason these past two weeks hit me hard (probably because I'm not as busy as he is) and I am seriously starting to doubt if I am fit for the military lifestyle. I have always been confident in our relationship, but his blatant refusal of my emotions is something that probably won't change... and I will need emotional support from him. When I turned to him for affirmation that I was doing well and being successful as a mil "spouse", he basically shut me down.

    I'm worried that I am sacrificing my life to please him, but that I won't be happy in return.
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by MrsMarine8 View Post
    My fiancee and I have been together for almost 4 years and we are planning a wedding for next year l. We have been through 6 weeks of OCS (barely any contact), 6 months of TBS (some contact, I visited him almost once a month) and we moved in together after his TBS graduation. We have been living in Pensacola, where he is attending flight school, for almost two years.

    Lately, I've been feeling sick (antibiotics foe the last two weeks) and I started a new BC pill. I also gave up a full-time position teaching, because we aren't sure when we are moving again and I didn't want to leave halfway through the year. With that being said, I have been spending a lot of time alone in the apartment. (Note: DF was out of flight training for most of the summer and he just started back up, also I just started a part time job.) Last night I tried to talk to him about how I've been feeling - sad, lonely, like I'm his maid and how I don't feel appreciated/affirmed as much as I used to.

    I have been holding these feelings in, because I know it can be damaging to his work, but last night he prodded me, when I told him I didn't want him to be distracted about something less important than flight school.

    As usual, when I open up about my emotions, he is completely detached from me. I know that he is working crazy long days, but he said it is "A struggle" to walk in the door and kiss me before putting all of his stuff away and starting his work. The time that we do see eachother, he is on his computer or phone, either doing work or messaging friends/family. He asked me, "why can't this happen on a weekend?" (Meaning the conversation about my emotions.) And essentially that he doesn't have time for my emotions and his advice was to suck it up.

    I usually do suck it up, but for some reason these past two weeks hit me hard (probably because I'm not as busy as he is) and I am seriously starting to doubt if I am fit for the military lifestyle. I have always been confident in our relationship, but his blatant refusal of my emotions is something that probably won't change... and I will need emotional support from him. When I turned to him for affirmation that I was doing well and being successful as a mil "spouse", he basically shut me down.

    I'm worried that I am sacrificing my life to please him, but that I won't be happy in return.

    This is coming from someone who isn't in the military life yet.

    It isn't that you wouldn't necessarily be able to handle the military lifestyle. This is that your finacee isn't able to handle emotional support & accountability. It doesn't matter what lifestyle you are in - if your partner needs emotional support, you should be able to support them. Having a partner (or yourself!) join the military is a big life changing event. It is and will be stressful. But that doesn't mean that you can hang your partner out to dry when they ask for help.

    If my partner just detached from me whenever I expressed a (legitimate) concern & emotional hurt, I would be even more hurt and very concerned. Personally, that's not something I would sign up for when it's the rest of my life - regardless of military or not. Sorry, but he doesn't really sound interested in the maintenance any relationship requires, especially one that is going to require a lot of give and take and plain ol' work because of the military. What will he do if you have kids? A family death? A serious medical issue?
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    #3
    I understand this feeling FULLY. My husband is sick of my "problems" so I have worked my butt of to make it not his problems. I got therapy....while you can't use the same services as spouses can since you are not married but I would look for something. My husband is a TPS guy....one of the toughest flight programs in the world. I really struggled during that program. 10 months of barely seeing him even though he was home every night and not many friends since we didn't have kids than which those who didn't have kids worked so it was very hard.

    I know I suffer from situational depression which after some fights and all that is when I went and got help because he couldn't help me anymore only I could do the work. Only I could be the one to lean on for this. And not saying my husband isn't helpful and all but its just hard in general for him to understand. When I give him a decent heads up or just say leave me alone he knows what it is about. Because at the end of the day they sometimes see things that they need to fix our problems when really its not always a problem its just a feeling. Learned that by therapy. So he and I agree'ed when feeling this way and he "lets" (not the word I want to use but it just comes to mind) vent I do say I am not asking to fix my issues but just let me vent.

    i have also learned that we spouses sometimes become different when we are alone so much. We want their attention and them to be our best friend but its hard cause they are still decompressing from the day and we just want a friend to talk to. Have you been able to join SOSA? Might be able to find people through that group to help pass the time by spending time together.

    How much more does he have in flight school? He in the HT's or primary right now?
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    Its glad to know that I'm not the only one! He selected V-22's, so he is currently in Helico school (for a few months), then we will be moving to Corpus Christi, TX for V-22 school (also a few months), then he will attach to a squadron and become deploy-able. Our relationship worked best while I was working full-time, because we were equally stressed out, but that isn't healthy either. He has always been kind of "hard" on the outside/ doesn't show much emotion in general, but I'm worried that since he's not taking it seriously now, it won't improve in the future.

    Also no, what is SOSA?
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrsMarine8 View Post
    Its glad to know that I'm not the only one! He selected V-22's, so he is currently in Helico school (for a few months), then we will be moving to Corpus Christi, TX for V-22 school (also a few months), then he will attach to a squadron and become deploy-able. Our relationship worked best while I was working full-time, because we were equally stressed out, but that isn't healthy either. He has always been kind of "hard" on the outside/ doesn't show much emotion in general, but I'm worried that since he's not taking it seriously now, it won't improve in the future.

    Also no, what is SOSA?
    The student Officer Spouses Association. If it is still active. Been like 10 years since I was last there. But its a group that is only for the student spouses. Do you know anyone in HT squadron? I just looked it up and found this....maybe this might help. http://sosawhitingfield.weebly.com/sosa-fun.html
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    #6
    I remember when I worked things for the most part were better in our relationship too. Cause we both had our own problems and we could commiserate together. But it has been harder on me now that I am a stay at home mom. Not exactly what I want to be doing but right now its best for us. But that is why I have sought help to work on my problems or at least how to work with them. Noticing when I am having them and so on.
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    #7
    I feel for you.
    it's taxing to give up your job if not career for your spouse to be successful in theirs. it's hard to take a back seat to the military and basically proclaim your stuff is back burner material.
    I wish I could tell you it would get better. I've been with dh for 5 years active duty, 2 years reserves, and 5 years in between (3 were IRR but I don't count those).

    I hate the saying that they are married to the military and you're the mistress, but, I understand it.

    I agree with the above poster, I would seek therapy. You are going through a lot of changes, you need to talk to someone probably other than your df.
    Even if he was completely receptive, it might be better to discuss this with someone else, are there other SOs in the area in similar situations?
    I am a firefighter/medic, but I can't get a job where I am right now (we moved here in January so dh could finish his bachelors) I just had a baby and couldn't finish the hiring process before we leave.
    We have *nobody* here. I relied only on dh for a long time, for a lot of stuff, and although he is the love of my life, I couldn't talk to him about how although I'm grateful for his career path, it has killed mine. It is a feeling of ambivalence, it's hard to explain. A therapist can help you process your feelings without causing arguments or resentment. Mine has been helping me with PTSD, which my dh is nowhere near qualified to deal with. Even if you don't have any issues like depression or anything, it helps to process stuff outloud with a third party, and a therapist isn't biased and won't air your dirty laundry. Try to make friends with other SOs too.
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    I really feel for you, but I want to try to play devil's advocate, only because there are still some details I don't know about your situation. I'll start with what happened with me:

    We moved to California in April and I had already had a job lined up to start in August (now). Of course DH was working since day 1, so I was home alone most days and didn't really have friends out here. The first week or two was nice, I relaxed, took some "me" time, binge watched my favorite shows, etc. Very quickly I fell into what PP described as a situational depression, I was bored, lonely, kind of felt like I was not doing anything important or worthwhile. I threw these emotions on my husband every night when he got home from work for awhile. Now in the beginning, he was patient, understanding, empathetic, etc. But eventually there comes a moment where he had to light a fire under my butt and snap me back into reality. I was butt hurt when he got a little harsher with me, but honestly, I needed it!

    So what I am trying to ask, is has this been happening for a long time now? Has he been coming home to you sulking for awhile? Because eventually it does impact them as well. Of course, he should be understanding and empathetic, but was he doing that in beginning or never at all? If he has never been consoling you, then I think this is a problem. But if this is a reoccurring issue, he may just think it's something that needs to change.

    Again I am not validating his behavior of not listening to you or disregarding your emotions, BUT if this is something that has been going on for awhile, it may be time to light the fire under your butt. I'm not saying to ignore or dismiss your feelings, but try to look at it from an outsider's prospective. Can you be a sub for now? So it isn't full time commitment but you are still keeping yourself occupied?
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by MrsMarine8 View Post
    My fiancee and I have been together for almost 4 years and we are planning a wedding for next year l. We have been through 6 weeks of OCS (barely any contact), 6 months of TBS (some contact, I visited him almost once a month) and we moved in together after his TBS graduation. We have been living in Pensacola, where he is attending flight school, for almost two years.

    Lately, I've been feeling sick (antibiotics foe the last two weeks) and I started a new BC pill. I also gave up a full-time position teaching, because we aren't sure when we are moving again and I didn't want to leave halfway through the year. With that being said, I have been spending a lot of time alone in the apartment. (Note: DF was out of flight training for most of the summer and he just started back up, also I just started a part time job.) Last night I tried to talk to him about how I've been feeling - sad, lonely, like I'm his maid and how I don't feel appreciated/affirmed as much as I used to.

    I have been holding these feelings in, because I know it can be damaging to his work, but last night he prodded me, when I told him I didn't want him to be distracted about something less important than flight school.

    As usual, when I open up about my emotions, he is completely detached from me. I know that he is working crazy long days, but he said it is "A struggle" to walk in the door and kiss me before putting all of his stuff away and starting his work. The time that we do see eachother, he is on his computer or phone, either doing work or messaging friends/family. He asked me, "why can't this happen on a weekend?" (Meaning the conversation about my emotions.) And essentially that he doesn't have time for my emotions and his advice was to suck it up.

    I usually do suck it up, but for some reason these past two weeks hit me hard (probably because I'm not as busy as he is) and I am seriously starting to doubt if I am fit for the military lifestyle. I have always been confident in our relationship, but his blatant refusal of my emotions is something that probably won't change... and I will need emotional support from him. When I turned to him for affirmation that I was doing well and being successful as a mil "spouse", he basically shut me down.

    I'm worried that I am sacrificing my life to please him, but that I won't be happy in return.
    Quote Originally Posted by MrsMarine8 View Post
    Its glad to know that I'm not the only one! He selected V-22's, so he is currently in Helico school (for a few months), then we will be moving to Corpus Christi, TX for V-22 school (also a few months), then he will attach to a squadron and become deploy-able. Our relationship worked best while I was working full-time, because we were equally stressed out, but that isn't healthy either. He has always been kind of "hard" on the outside/ doesn't show much emotion in general, but I'm worried that since he's not taking it seriously now, it won't improve in the future.

    Also no, what is SOSA?
    Quote Originally Posted by marinemainsqueez View Post
    I really feel for you, but I want to try to play devil's advocate, only because there are still some details I don't know about your situation. I'll start with what happened with me:

    We moved to California in April and I had already had a job lined up to start in August (now). Of course DH was working since day 1, so I was home alone most days and didn't really have friends out here. The first week or two was nice, I relaxed, took some "me" time, binge watched my favorite shows, etc. Very quickly I fell into what PP described as a situational depression, I was bored, lonely, kind of felt like I was not doing anything important or worthwhile. I threw these emotions on my husband every night when he got home from work for awhile. Now in the beginning, he was patient, understanding, empathetic, etc. But eventually there comes a moment where he had to light a fire under my butt and snap me back into reality. I was butt hurt when he got a little harsher with me, but honestly, I needed it!

    So what I am trying to ask, is has this been happening for a long time now? Has he been coming home to you sulking for awhile? Because eventually it does impact them as well. Of course, he should be understanding and empathetic, but was he doing that in beginning or never at all? If he has never been consoling you, then I think this is a problem. But if this is a reoccurring issue, he may just think it's something that needs to change.

    Again I am not validating his behavior of not listening to you or disregarding your emotions, BUT if this is something that has been going on for awhile, it may be time to light the fire under your butt. I'm not saying to ignore or dismiss your feelings, but try to look at it from an outsider's prospective. Can you be a sub for now? So it isn't full time commitment but you are still keeping yourself occupied?
    I agree with marinemainsqueez.

    OP, if you presented your issues to him like you did in your first post (saying you feel like a maid) then I sort of get where he's coming from. No one wants to come home from a long day to someone accusing them that their unhappiness is their partner's fault. It seemed like your relationship used to be fine when you worked and had something to keep you occupied. Now that you don't work you're getting bored and lonely and taking it out on your fiance. I don't mean that to sound super negative -- it happens to a lot of people.

    I was in a similar position as you. My husband was on a special duty assignment (Marine recruiter) where he was working over 90 hours a week, 6-7 days a week, for 3 years. He was hardly around, and no matter how busy I stayed I had a lot of alone time to focus on how miserable I was. I had several conversations with Dh that were similar to the one in your OP. At first he was sympathetic, but eventually he got sick of it. That's when I realized HE is not responsible for my happiness, I am. So I saw a counselor and made more of an effort to find happiness and be independent.

    Military life is all about staying flexible; the Marines call it "Semper Gumby" (always stay flexible). It's true. You had a career and you put it on hold while your DF is in a tough training program. Now you need to adjust and find what makes you happy. You can do it. This life isn't for everyone, but I think you can overcome this issue
    Last edited by idratherbehiking; 08-23-2017 at 12:09 PM.




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    #10
    I'm sorry you're going through this. On his end, he should be more willing to talk through your feelings and listen to what you have to say, but it does sound like a lot of this could be stemming from you being bored/lonely.

    I'm also in Pensacola and would be more than happy to get together if you'd like. Breaking up the routine always helps me out a lot.
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