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Thread: Boyfriend deployed--confused on what to do?

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    #1

    Boyfriend deployed--confused on what to do?

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    I was dating this guy (active duty AF) that recently got deployed overseas. We seemed like a perfect match--we had enough likenesses that we could always find something to do or talk about, and enough differences to keep our relationship fun and interesting. Our views on what life was about and core values lined up directly on all the major topics. We tried to take our relationship slow, but like most couples in the military, we progressed way faster than we intended.

    By five months, we had already said we loved each and HE prompted talking about a future together and what all that would entail. We talked about marriage, kids, and how it worked out that my job was something that should be easy to move around with and find another job. He even had me make my own dream sheet, lol. We met each other's families and things looked awesome--we both finally found our "person."

    That's not to say we didn't have any problems. We had one problem. His friends did not like me, and ultimately this is why things ended. They did not like me because they thought I spent too much time with him. Sounds silly right? I saw him 2 times a week, 3 times if I got lucky when it was nearing his deployment and he would come over to talk for a little bit before going to bed. While his three guy friends wanted more time with just him (we would do stuff altogether) they didn't complain so much. It was his one female friend (married to one of his guy friends who was also active duty AF) that complained the most, and she would see him at least once a week while we were dating, if his schedule permitted and he wasn't on a weird shift. She would say mean things about me solely because of how much time she thought I was spending with him. A week before he deployed, she was constantly texting him (she lives clear across the US now because her husband PCSed) about how his relationship with me was affecting her relationship with him. Like what the?!? So she (and probably her husband too) convinced him to leave me out of nowhere. I say out of nowhere because we celebrated our 8 month (he wouldn't have been home for our one year so we celebrated the 8 month mark to make up for it) the day before he broke things off and everything was great. And he was ugly crying after he broke things off right in front of me.

    I guess I'm asking if anyone else has ever run into a jealous friend problem. How did you deal with it? Is there anything I can do to fix things? Or things I can say to him? They made him block me on social media, but we can still talk through WhatsApp. I am waiting for a self-imposed no contact period of 30 days to be completed (which happens next week) before I even try to reach out to him. In those thirty days, I've read books, worked out a lot, gotten stuff done at work, spent time with family and friends---all things to "better myself" so to speak to not make not talking to each other solely about him. Any advice (or sympathy lol) would be greatly appreciated.
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Jkj004 View Post
    I was dating this guy (active duty AF) that recently got deployed overseas. We seemed like a perfect match--we had enough likenesses that we could always find something to do or talk about, and enough differences to keep our relationship fun and interesting. Our views on what life was about and core values lined up directly on all the major topics. We tried to take our relationship slow, but like most couples in the military, we progressed way faster than we intended.

    By five months, we had already said we loved each and HE prompted talking about a future together and what all that would entail. We talked about marriage, kids, and how it worked out that my job was something that should be easy to move around with and find another job. He even had me make my own dream sheet, lol. We met each other's families and things looked awesome--we both finally found our "person."

    That's not to say we didn't have any problems. We had one problem. His friends did not like me, and ultimately this is why things ended. They did not like me because they thought I spent too much time with him. Sounds silly right? I saw him 2 times a week, 3 times if I got lucky when it was nearing his deployment and he would come over to talk for a little bit before going to bed. While his three guy friends wanted more time with just him (we would do stuff altogether) they didn't complain so much. It was his one female friend (married to one of his guy friends who was also active duty AF) that complained the most, and she would see him at least once a week while we were dating, if his schedule permitted and he wasn't on a weird shift. She would say mean things about me solely because of how much time she thought I was spending with him. A week before he deployed, she was constantly texting him (she lives clear across the US now because her husband PCSed) about how his relationship with me was affecting her relationship with him. Like what the?!? So she (and probably her husband too) convinced him to leave me out of nowhere. I say out of nowhere because we celebrated our 8 month (he wouldn't have been home for our one year so we celebrated the 8 month mark to make up for it) the day before he broke things off and everything was great. And he was ugly crying after he broke things off right in front of me.

    I guess I'm asking if anyone else has ever run into a jealous friend problem. How did you deal with it? Is there anything I can do to fix things? Or things I can say to him? They made him block me on social media, but we can still talk through WhatsApp. I am waiting for a self-imposed no contact period of 30 days to be completed (which happens next week) before I even try to reach out to him. In those thirty days, I've read books, worked out a lot, gotten stuff done at work, spent time with family and friends---all things to "better myself" so to speak to not make not talking to each other solely about him. Any advice (or sympathy lol) would be greatly appreciated.
    Im sorry you're going through this.

    TBH, I wouldn't try to get back a man who let his friends trash talk me and who convinced him to break up with me .




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    #3
    First of all, his friends can't "make" him do anything he didn't want to do. HE broke up with you, HE blocked you, HE is responsible for his own actions. He's shown you what he is, why don't you believe him?
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    Quote Originally Posted by LiveLaughLove24 View Post
    First of all, his friends can't "make" him do anything he didn't want to do. HE broke up with you, HE blocked you, HE is responsible for his own actions. He's shown you what he is, why don't you believe him?


    And IME, friends don't shit talk unless the DB shit talks first and/or allows that negative behavior to continue.




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    I'm sorry this is happening to you, but I would walk away. First of all, he was not spending obscene amounts of time with you at all. And honestly, why should it matter even if he was? Second of all, like PP stated, HE did all of those things (broke up with you, blocked you, etc.) I know it's difficult, but do you really want to be with someone who is so easily swayed and influenced by their friends?

    Also, IMO, the relationship with his friend's wife is weird. I'd cut your losses and walk now, as hard as that will be.
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    My husband's friend was kind of similar. She met DH because she was dating his best friend. She would complain every time DH was talking on the phone with me and would say rude things about me. She told DH he would be happier without me and he corrected her and then started ignoring her when she would behave that way. That's what your SO should have done. He would have ignored them if he really wanted to be with you or he just needs to grow a spine and quit giving in to peer pressure.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by LiveLaughLove24 View Post
    First of all, his friends can't "make" him do anything he didn't want to do. HE broke up with you, HE blocked you, HE is responsible for his own actions. He's shown you what he is, why don't you believe him?
    this is exactly what I was going to say. his friends couldn't make him do that.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sabrina22LE View Post
    My husband's friend was kind of similar. She met DH because she was dating his best friend. She would complain every time DH was talking on the phone with me and would say rude things about me. She told DH he would be happier without me and he corrected her and then started ignoring her when she would behave that way. That's what your SO should have done. He would have ignored them if he really wanted to be with you or he just needs to grow a spine and quit giving in to peer pressure.
    He didn't correct her, but he would somewhat ignore her and even told me "we're not going to let other people's opinion affect our relationship anymore" so I thought it was all good and then like two days before he broke things off, that girl sent me a long ass text basically telling me that she thought I was a POS and said I had all these problems that she made up from a previous relationship that ended two and a half years ago that I never even told her anything about. Like...don't you have your own marriage to worry about instead of my relationship???
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by LiveLaughLove24 View Post
    First of all, his friends can't "make" him do anything he didn't want to do. HE broke up with you, HE blocked you, HE is responsible for his own actions. He's shown you what he is, why don't you believe him?
    YES!

    He made the decision to do all that, and IMO while you guys were talking future and long term possibilities, why would you want to be with someone who won't have your back? Even if he wouldn't have taken these actions without pressure or influence from his friends, you deserve better than someone that caves into the idea of others and won't defend and stand beside you in the face of negativity.

    Sorry you're going through this.
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    #10
    How old is he? Like are you all teenagers? Idk of any adult man (or woman actually) who would let their friends influence their relationship to this degree, and even that's a stretch. Like how did they *make* him block you on anything? Why is he ok with his friends wife messaging you, why does his friends wife care so much about who he spends his time with?

    Honestly this either sounds like you're being played and he's using his weird friends as an excuse, or he's in some weird cult, or is extremely easily influenced with bad people around him. I don't see any reason to continue even trying. I mean even if this is all completely true and legit, have you not lost respect for him? Like I would not be able to continue seeing somebody who blocked me because their friends made him lol.
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