Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 25

Thread: DB's Mom

  1. Senior Member
    kt_bug's Avatar
    kt_bug is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    CA
    Posts
    521
    #1

    DB's Mom

    Advertisements
    So DB is home on leave. I'm staying with his family while he's here, minus the 3 nights we will be in Disneyland and are with them all/most of the day every day besides that. We've planned 2 things to do with my family since my parents don't know him very well and want to spend time with him and get to know him. One is a few hours on a Saturday afternoon/evening (family party) and the other is an all day event on a Sunday (kayaking and dinner). Both of these have been planned for over a month.

    Yesterday, DB and I mentioned to his dad that we were going kayaking with my parents Sunday. He was fine with it but his mom must've overheard because later that evening she basically started ranting about how on Sunday we were gonna go to church then to see his extended family because Sunday is for family, basically being really demanding about it. That was the first either of us had heard about it.

    So I texted my mom and asked if we could switch our plans to Saturday instead (those are literally the only two days in all of leave that would work). Turns out my brother has football practice Saturday so I'm not sure if that will happen. My compromise option was to go to church in the morning then kayaking with my parents for a few hours then to see his extended family and just do dinner with my parents another night, which I think is more than generous considering how long these plans have been in place.

    I thought that would be a good solution but now I'm not sure. DB's mom apologized to us for being rude about it but basically said that Sunday wasn't up for debate. There was crying and she pulled the whole thing about having to send him off and not seeing him and how it's what keeps her sane - basically being way dramatic. Plus DB never has and never will deploy.

    So now I'm not sure what to do. I know that if we don't go along with her plans she's gonna be very upset and probably resent me for it, but if we don't go kayaking my parents will be upset and might resent DB, which I don't want either. I know it's not my fault because I asked DB if there were any plans or things I should know before I planned things for leave and he said no. She says the Sunday thing has been a tradition since he was in the military but that's either a lie or something I couldn't have possibly known because I was with him last leave and that's not how it went (well except for Christmas but that's Christmas).

    Basically I'm just worried about what happens if my mom can't change our plans. We both have close families and I don't want either of our parents to resent our SO. I'm also annoyed because we scheduled so much time doing nothing just to hang out with his family (like 5 full and 3 half days) and she just hangs out in her room the whole time we're home. What should I do if my parents can't reschedule?
  2. MilitarySOS Jewel
    Wild*Rose's Avatar
    Wild*Rose is offline
    MilitarySOS Jewel
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Jacksonville, FL
    Posts
    5,429


    #2
    Her saying Sunday wasn't an option honestly would've put me over the edge and made me not compromise. But honestly you're not married so I kinda feel like this is your DB's call.

    IMO he should tell her that the plans with your family have been planned for a long time and maybe he can do dinner with the extended family another night but Sunday doesn't work.
  3. Pour a little salt, we were never here
    [his] lobster's Avatar
    [his] lobster is offline
    Pour a little salt, we were never here
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    8,737

    #3
    In the small picture I can see why that's really annoying. In the big picture, I hope your DB takes this as a lesson to make *his* plans clear to everyone whenever he is home so that there aren't more surprise conflicts. I can only assume he knew his mom is a church and "Sunday is for family" (apparently only hers though) kind of person, so when he made plans with you and your parents he should have forewarned his mom that he would be unavailable that day.

    I only get home once every year or so and I try to go with the flow because I don't have a lot of energy, but when I have solid plans I make sure all the priority people who want to see me know when I'm free vs. booked.

    Edited to add: If your parents can't change (which they really shouldn't have to), I would go with your original plans and ask your DH to stick to the plans and explain it to his mom, but I'd also be prepared for him to go with his family instead out of guilt. Then I'd have to assess how I feel about his choice. I definitely wouldn't be going to church/family get together with him though.
  4. Senior Member
    Medic2Doula's Avatar
    Medic2Doula is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Location
    San Diego, CA
    Posts
    1,330
    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Wild*Rose View Post
    Her saying Sunday wasn't an option honestly would've put me over the edge and made me not compromise. But honestly you're not married so I kinda feel like this is your DB's call.

    IMO he should tell her that the plans with your family have been planned for a long time and maybe he can do dinner with the extended family another night but Sunday doesn't work.
    yea, I would have been over it at the crying
    don't be manilulated.

    I do think you should still go kyaking with your parents. I think if he cancels it won't look good to your parents, even if they don't exactly resent him for it. He may come off as inconsiderate for canceling.
    His mom is being outragious
    If it were ME I would inform her that I'm a devil worshiper (I'm not) and WEDNESDAYS were family days.
  5. Senior Member
    kt_bug's Avatar
    kt_bug is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    CA
    Posts
    521
    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Wild*Rose View Post
    Her saying Sunday wasn't an option honestly would've put me over the edge and made me not compromise. But honestly you're not married so I kinda feel like this is your DB's call.

    IMO he should tell her that the plans with your family have been planned for a long time and maybe he can do dinner with the extended family another night but Sunday doesn't work.
    He told me yesterday that he would basically tell her that if we couldn't move my family's plans to Saturday. After the show she put on today though I'm not sure what he'll do if it comes to that. We'd already been planning to go see his extended family Saturday or Sunday. I'm trying to be as accommodating as possible and reschedule if we can.

    Regardless I'm going to let him handle her, I just don't want her to be upset with me when I'm doing everything I can, before and after planning this, to try to give her her Sunday family day. But I also don't want my parents to be annoyed with DB.
  6. Senior Member
    kt_bug's Avatar
    kt_bug is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    CA
    Posts
    521
    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    yea, I would have been over it at the crying
    don't be manilulated.

    I do think you should still go kyaking with your parents. I think if he cancels it won't look good to your parents, even if they don't exactly resent him for it. He may come off as inconsiderate for canceling.
    His mom is being outragious
    If it were ME I would inform her that I'm a devil worshiper (I'm not) and WEDNESDAYS were family days.
    yeah we're going to go kayaking regardless. My mom had actually been thinking about moving it to Saturday too, so we asked about moving it at the same time, but then she found out my brother has football practice.

    And funnily enough, I'm firmly agnostic/spiritual but not religious and they're super religious. I like church though I don't mind. And we were planning to go to church anyways so if she can't accept my compromise where we meet up with the extended family in the late afternoon/early evening instead of late morning I feel like that's not on me.
  7. "...now do Classical Gas"
    Matchbox's Avatar
    Matchbox is offline
    "...now do Classical Gas"
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Posts
    1,299
    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by kt_bug View Post
    So DB is home on leave. I'm staying with his family while he's here, minus the 3 nights we will be in Disneyland and are with them all/most of the day every day besides that. We've planned 2 things to do with my family since my parents don't know him very well and want to spend time with him and get to know him. One is a few hours on a Saturday afternoon/evening (family party) and the other is an all day event on a Sunday (kayaking and dinner). Both of these have been planned for over a month.

    Yesterday, DB and I mentioned to his dad that we were going kayaking with my parents Sunday. He was fine with it but his mom must've overheard because later that evening she basically started ranting about how on Sunday we were gonna go to church then to see his extended family because Sunday is for family, basically being really demanding about it. That was the first either of us had heard about it.

    So I texted my mom and asked if we could switch our plans to Saturday instead (those are literally the only two days in all of leave that would work). Turns out my brother has football practice Saturday so I'm not sure if that will happen. My compromise option was to go to church in the morning then kayaking with my parents for a few hours then to see his extended family and just do dinner with my parents another night, which I think is more than generous considering how long these plans have been in place.

    I thought that would be a good solution but now I'm not sure. DB's mom apologized to us for being rude about it but basically said that Sunday wasn't up for debate. There was crying and she pulled the whole thing about having to send him off and not seeing him and how it's what keeps her sane - basically being way dramatic. Plus DB never has and never will deploy.

    So now I'm not sure what to do. I know that if we don't go along with her plans she's gonna be very upset and probably resent me for it, but if we don't go kayaking my parents will be upset and might resent DB, which I don't want either. I know it's not my fault because I asked DB if there were any plans or things I should know before I planned things for leave and he said no. She says the Sunday thing has been a tradition since he was in the military but that's either a lie or something I couldn't have possibly known because I was with him last leave and that's not how it went (well except for Christmas but that's Christmas).

    Basically I'm just worried about what happens if my mom can't change our plans. We both have close families and I don't want either of our parents to resent our SO. I'm also annoyed because we scheduled so much time doing nothing just to hang out with his family (like 5 full and 3 half days) and she just hangs out in her room the whole time we're home. What should I do if my parents can't reschedule?
    "Sunday is for family"

    Yes it is, but that includes YOUR family.
    If I cannot move heaven, I will raise hell
  8. Senior Member
    Heisenberg's Avatar
    Heisenberg is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    South Florida
    Posts
    16,413
    #8
    Why are MILs always a problem Yeah this is definitely on your DB to handle, and the right thing for him to do is compromise by giving her Sunday morning but not cancel his plans with your parents. If he does that, he's basically setting a precedent for your whole relationship and his mom will think being dramatic will work on him all the time. She's being ridiculous, and tbh she should let him spend his leave doing what he wants to do.

    He needs to take full responsibility here, tell her he's sorry but he didn't know she had plans for Sunday but he's going to seem rude and he doesn't want to disappoint your parents. Emphasis on HE doesn't want to seem rude, HE doesn't want to disappoint your parents. Leave you out of it. I mean I'm sure it's hard for her to have him so far away but he's an adult now and that's how it works.
  9. MilitarySOS Jewel
    Carolina's Avatar
    Carolina is offline
    MilitarySOS Jewel
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    3,641


    #9
    Is it possible she made up the Sunday thing, like having plans already, because she didn't want him to go with your family? When things like this typically happen they're spur of the moment and it doesn't end up happening, then your family is upset. I'd have your DB let his mother know that his leave time is limited and he wishes to spend some time with your family as well. If his mother made plans she should have informed him and not just assumed his entire time would be spent doing what she wanted.
  10. Senior Member
    Allybeth's Avatar
    Allybeth is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    730
    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Matchbox View Post
    "Sunday is for family"

    Yes it is, but that includes YOUR family.
    Yep. I was thinking that same thing reading that. If Sunday's are for family, well awesome! Because you're with YOUR family!

    I agree that you should definitely let him handle it. This will also give you a general idea on how he will handle things with his family in the future.
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •