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Thread: Clueless Navy girlfriend

  1. Fresh Newbie
    therealsinead's Avatar
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    #1

    Clueless Navy girlfriend

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    When I first started dating my boyfriend I skimmed the internet for info on the logistics of being a military SO, but it was the beginning of the relationship and I didn't take it too seriously, I was just curious. For reference, absolutely no one in my family currently alive is in the military or has any experience, plus where I live basically no one enlists. Out of 400 something kids in my graduating class, one person signed up. The point being I have zero knowledge about anything military, nor know anyone personally involved except DB.
    This wouldn't have mattered except he has started bringing up the future. This doesn't scare me, I love him and began mentally preparing myself as things became more serious. But I have no one to talk to who has lived through it.
    My boyfriend is in school, between boot camp and being stationed. He decided to go on the submarine which I can't begrudge as its the only reason we even met (it brought him to my coast). That scares me. The fact he'll be away and unreachable, plus being underwater at depth. I never anticipated being involved with someone in the military and actually considered it a red flag before meeting him. I don't feel that way now but I sometimes wonder if my gut was right.
    I'm lucky to be done with school and have a career that is easy to relocate.
    He will find out his station in the coming months and leave early next year. We've talked about what will happen and he's said he wants me to move with him. He says we can live off base unmarried with the aid of BAH (plus I have my own money saved from my job) I'd keep working and ideally we wouldn't rush into a marriage.
    At this point I don't even know what to ask, I'm just a little overwhelmed as my life is about to change drastically. I'd be far from my family and totally out of my comfort zone with the person I came with poised to leave for god knows how long. I guess this is half seeking advice and half a vent session lol. I'd appreciate any info or experiences about living off base unmarried, being involved with someone on a sub, or just another person my age who's as out of the loop as I am to commiserate with😅 Also just want to say this isn't all doom and gloom, I'm super excited about what's to come, just want to be realistic. Thank you for taking the time to listen
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    #2
    I would confirm that he will be able to live off base as in many locations, junior enlisted are required to live in a barracks room and don't get BAH.

    Personally, I would not relocate for someone to whom I wasn't engaged and actively moving toward marriage. To me, giving up my security and social support network would be just too much to ask. He will probably move every 2-3 years. So he gets to a place and you start searching for a job and then move there, and that puts you 3-4 months in. In another year and a half (or less!), he could be moving again. It's just not something I'd do or advise someone I love to do in most cases. And you'd be uprooting yourself to not even see him for months at a time anyway.

    When DH and I started dating, it was long distance. (I had known him for several years.) We both saved every penny and I visited whenever possible, which we could usually make happen ever 6-7 weeks. We talked on the phone often and developed our relationship that way, and it worked fine.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #3
    I see that your profile says you're 19. How long have you been dating this guy to consider something like this? Also, what are your school and career plans?

    Also wanted to add that long distance is very doable. DB and I have been doing it for a little over a year now and have seen each other 4 times (about to be 5 on Tuesday!) Between leave and visits it has worked out. I wouldn't move as a girlfriend either (not that I didn't consider it at one point but that lasted a hot second). Between the financial difficulties and the logistical difficulties I think it would be a lot more difficult than you're bargaining for.
    Last edited by kt_bug; 07-31-2017 at 02:23 AM.
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    #4
    I met my husband in San Diego which is my home town. He had been here for two years and we dated for awhile before we tied the knot but before we were about to he received orders so after I married him I was unable to go with him. Right now we are trying to get me there but I would say villanelle is right about doing that as a girlfriend I wouldn't consider packing all my stuff and following him considering I don't have a ring on my finger. I'm not saying you need to jump and get married but he will move every 2-3 years and being a girlfriend makes it quite difficult to try to get a job every time, pay for housing, etc. He will not receive BAH being the fact he will be getting out of boot camp. He is not a high enough rank and even then every branch is different. He could receive BAH for himself later down the line for housing if he chooses to live off base but he must be a certain rank. Even then that can be years down the line. I would reconsider my options and personally talk to each other. I'm not saying you must throw in the towel because doing a long distance relationship is extremely possible but it depends on what you want. I wish you the best.
  5. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    I would confirm that he will be able to live off base as in many locations, junior enlisted are required to live in a barracks room and don't get BAH.

    Personally, I would not relocate for someone to whom I wasn't engaged and actively moving toward marriage. To me, giving up my security and social support network would be just too much to ask. He will probably move every 2-3 years. So he gets to a place and you start searching for a job and then move there, and that puts you 3-4 months in. In another year and a half (or less!), he could be moving again. It's just not something I'd do or advise someone I love to do in most cases. And you'd be uprooting yourself to not even see him for months at a time anyway.
    Quote Originally Posted by kt_bug View Post
    I see that your profile says you're 19. How long have you been dating this guy to consider something like this? Also, what are your school and career plans?
    This and this.

    There is a 98% chance he will not be able to live off base and collect BAH so soon after enlisting. The navy is fairly strict about letting people move off base early. He could always live with you without receiving BAH but depending on location and his financial situation it's not a smart idea.

    My husband is also on a sub if you have any specific questions. But in a general sense it's not too bad. Each base has different schedules, but subs deploy just like ground units. And when they aren't deployed they're training, which is called an underway. The length of underways can vary from just a couple days to weeks. Email is the only communication they get during an underway, but deployments he will be able to contact you via phone/internet when they port. Sometimes there are instances where no communication is allowed due to certain aspects of the job. Other than that, navy has duty days, which are 24 hour shifts so many days a week/month (varies by location and manning) but he should have his cell phone when he isn't on watch (the boat guard). Every other day is a pretty normal job though.
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    #6
    Hi there,

    Husband is Marines but I know there will be some similarities. Brother in law is Navy so I have a little bit of insight to that as well.

    Starting with the submarine aspect: DH deploys on a ship and there is absolutely no cell service. I am lucky to get a few emails throughout the week. It is very difficult, but there was nothing I could do about it. But of course, every time that email came in, it gave me the strength to push through until the next one! Deployments are long and tough, especially when there is limited contact. But, if you stay busy and build a support system, you will be just fine!

    As for moving as a GF and dealing with BAH-- bad idea. First off, he will not be a high enough rank to receive BAH and financially, it would not make sense for him to use money from his flat paycheck to pay for an apartment when he has free housing in the barracks. Also, he won't receive BAH for just a GF, he would only receive it if you two were married, which you shouldn't rush into that just for the purpose of receiving BAH and living together.

    Before DH and I were married, we had to deal with being in a LDR. While its not fun, it showed us that we could push through difficult times and we waited until we were ready for marriage. My suggestion is to not move, work through the LDR, give it more time.
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    #7
    what everyone else said.
    navy usually requires E4 and below to live in barracks in Japan
    Last edited by Medic2Doula; 08-01-2017 at 07:25 PM. Reason: added "in japan"
  8. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    what everyone else said.
    navy usually requires E4 and below to live in barracks in Japan
    Hawaii has the same requirement. I think it's a Navy-wide thing.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by therealsinead View Post
    When I first started dating my boyfriend I skimmed the internet for info on the logistics of being a military SO, but it was the beginning of the relationship and I didn't take it too seriously, I was just curious. For reference, absolutely no one in my family currently alive is in the military or has any experience, plus where I live basically no one enlists. Out of 400 something kids in my graduating class, one person signed up. The point being I have zero knowledge about anything military, nor know anyone personally involved except DB.
    This wouldn't have mattered except he has started bringing up the future. This doesn't scare me, I love him and began mentally preparing myself as things became more serious. But I have no one to talk to who has lived through it.
    My boyfriend is in school, between boot camp and being stationed. He decided to go on the submarine which I can't begrudge as its the only reason we even met (it brought him to my coast). That scares me. The fact he'll be away and unreachable, plus being underwater at depth. I never anticipated being involved with someone in the military and actually considered it a red flag before meeting him. I don't feel that way now but I sometimes wonder if my gut was right.
    I'm lucky to be done with school and have a career that is easy to relocate.
    He will find out his station in the coming months and leave early next year. We've talked about what will happen and he's said he wants me to move with him. He says we can live off base unmarried with the aid of BAH (plus I have my own money saved from my job) I'd keep working and ideally we wouldn't rush into a marriage.
    At this point I don't even know what to ask, I'm just a little overwhelmed as my life is about to change drastically. I'd be far from my family and totally out of my comfort zone with the person I came with poised to leave for god knows how long. I guess this is half seeking advice and half a vent session lol. I'd appreciate any info or experiences about living off base unmarried, being involved with someone on a sub, or just another person my age who's as out of the loop as I am to commiserate with😅 Also just want to say this isn't all doom and gloom, I'm super excited about what's to come, just want to be realistic. Thank you for taking the time to listen
    I just recently started dating a guy and instantly we both felt this undeniable connection. He's going to be leaving now for what was once 8 months that turned into 11. My heart aches and I, like you, have no experience with having a close family member in the navy or any branch for that matter. I'm completely clueless. We agreed to be faithful to eachother, but it scares me because a year is a long time for two people to grow apart especially with minimal communication. He said we'd only be able to talk 1 minute on the phone at most. I'm not sure how the communication will work. I'm so, so sad and I know he loves me. I love him too. How do I make this easier for myself?
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    #10
    where is he getting the one minute thing coming from?
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