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Thread: 1st Deployment & Infidelity-Need Support

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    #1

    1st Deployment & Infidelity-Need Support

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    My husband and I have had obstacles in our marriage, almost 4 years. For the most part we have always been long distance but I was with him during his recent shore duty. When he got stationed in another state, I opted to return to where my family is because of our marital issues, I was finally giving him what he wanted-to be alone and I felt I was done with the marriage.

    For the next 4 months we spent going back and forth-I remained faithful throughout our problems because I had faith things would get better. I've always had a gut feeling he was being unfaithful through our separation, however he would never admit it. Long story short, right before he went on deployment I got confirmation-his first excuse is that we had been so on and off that he didn't want to dwell on us not being together. He assured me there would be no more of him being unfaithful and again told me he wanted us to stay together and that he loves me.

    I am very much in love with my husband, the military was brand new to me and I am still learning. Living apart was hard enough on top of the infidelity and throw in a deployment. I am feeling extremely overwhelmed with my marriage, my responsibilities, and in general being strong for him while he's on deployment in times when I can't even be strong for myself. In the last 6 months I've had to hear close people to both of us telling me to let it go, that he wants the single life and so forth. I've heard people tell me that he's probably using me to keep some benefits and that he doesn't really love me, which is hurtful to hear other people's opinions. But I've always chosen to see the best in him.

    Whatever trust we've had on our marriage has obviously been broken. I read a post earlier saying that she was lucky if she got a 5 line email from her husband during deployment and that's where we are at. I am tired of wondering where we stand. I am told I can't stress him out that deployment is hard enough and that I just need to be his support system while he is gone and deal with our marriage when he returns. But I have no one to emotionally support me and the aftermath that his actions have caused for the both of us. I find myself at times resenting him, wanting to ask him a million and one questions but I often stop myself. I am extremely hurt and sadden by what he has done. And as much as I try to re-direct my thoughts, I keep having visions of him with other women, maybe I am angry at myself for not doing the same he did and for standing strong while he got lost.

    I have made a decision to go to therapy to focus on myself and to try to figure out on my own if the infidelity is something I am going to be able to move past. I take my marriage serious, and I am committed to him. But honestly how do you work or keep a marriage together after something like this happens and your spouse leaves for 7-10 months?

    Has anyone experienced something similar or infidelity in their marriages and how do you "work at it" being away from the other and barely talking? Yes the easiest thing would be to give up on him and end our marriage, but it seems like either of us is fully ready to accept that option. Any support is appreciated!
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    #2
    That sounds like a hard pickle to be in and my thoughts are with you as you go into therapy. I have not experienced anything like that so I have no advice but to always be true to you and take care of you and your mental and emotional health first. hugs
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThumperJane View Post
    That sounds like a hard pickle to be in and my thoughts are with you as you go into therapy. I have not experienced anything like that so I have no advice but to always be true to you and take care of you and your mental and emotional health first. hugs

    Thank you for your words, I am going to try to do that. Often in our marriage I've put his happiness and needs before mine but I have to try something different and will see if something positive whether we stay together or end our marriage will come out of all of this!
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    I wish you all the best and I hope talking to someone and getting consoling helps. TBH, this has been a big thing in my current relationship, where my DB contacted his exes multiple times (once where he even tried to get back together with one), while we were still together. It's been a year since that particular incident, but I just learned recently he contacted an ex of his in December. It's hard to talk about it too with him on why that hurts, because I get told I'm insecure/I should just move past it and let it go (from him, and from my friends and family). But honestly it's hard. I totally understand why it still bothers you and it's difficult to move on from.
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    #5
    dh had these issues when we were dating, I didn't find out until after we were married.

    first, you two have to agree on working on it or not. There is a big difference in a marriage where one person is not willing to work on it and a marriage where both parties want to move forward together.
    He has to be committed to the marriage now, is this going to happen again? Was it a one time thing? He has to commit to not doing it again, that it's over.

    Trust is a very hard thing to restore once it's lost. We had a marriage counselor say I should have TEMPORARY access to his email and such, I guess so I could assure myself it was over. This has to be temporary, because it isn't building trust to check his shit for the rest of your life, and if he wants to be honest and accountable, he shouldn't have to show everything forever.
    He does have to understand that it will take a long time to rebuild. I've been married seven years and I trust my husband again, but it didn't come easily.

    Don't air your dirty laundry, if you work it out with him, you will regret having told everyone about this, but DO go to counseling and talk to an impartial third party.

    I will tell you it is worth it if you both go into it putting in 100%, if you can open your heart to forgiveness and he commits to living honestly.
    We are happy now, we trust each other, we love each other and our pack of children.

    good luck, I know where you are, I know it's so hard.
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    Quote Originally Posted by myrin View Post
    I wish you all the best and I hope talking to someone and getting consoling helps. TBH, this has been a big thing in my current relationship, where my DB contacted his exes multiple times (once where he even tried to get back together with one), while we were still together. It's been a year since that particular incident, but I just learned recently he contacted an ex of his in December. It's hard to talk about it too with him on why that hurts, because I get told I'm insecure/I should just move past it and let it go (from him, and from my friends and family). But honestly it's hard. I totally understand why it still bothers you and it's difficult to move on from.

    I am sorry, it is extremely hard and not easy to move on. I have been told that I made the choice to stick it out with him even after everything I've found out so therefore I have to leave the past in the past-but that's hard to do when everything hit me just right before he went on deployment and it's not like we can have a conversation about it on email, I barely get a complete email. It's like it's almost expected to take the "sorry" and forgive and forget right away, some of us don't have that gift.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    dh had these issues when we were dating, I didn't find out until after we were married.

    first, you two have to agree on working on it or not. There is a big difference in a marriage where one person is not willing to work on it and a marriage where both parties want to move forward together.
    He has to be committed to the marriage now, is this going to happen again? Was it a one time thing? He has to commit to not doing it again, that it's over.

    Trust is a very hard thing to restore once it's lost. We had a marriage counselor say I should have TEMPORARY access to his email and such, I guess so I could assure myself it was over. This has to be temporary, because it isn't building trust to check his shit for the rest of your life, and if he wants to be honest and accountable, he shouldn't have to show everything forever.
    He does have to understand that it will take a long time to rebuild. I've been married seven years and I trust my husband again, but it didn't come easily.

    Don't air your dirty laundry, if you work it out with him, you will regret having told everyone about this, but DO go to counseling and talk to an impartial third party.

    I will tell you it is worth it if you both go into it putting in 100%, if you can open your heart to forgiveness and he commits to living honestly.
    We are happy now, we trust each other, we love each other and our pack of children.

    good luck, I know where you are, I know it's so hard.
    Is he committed? I am not sure truthfully. This is still still very fresh for me then he went on deployment. He said he's done but I don't know. I am anxious about him being on this deployment-the time he has on his hands, other females he's around 10-12 hours a day, when he stops in ports and he's free to do whatever. It isn't a life for either of us to live.
    I actually did give him an ultimatum about his social media, email and so forth, to which he promised he would take care of-but here we are about 6 weeks into his deployment and nothing. I don't want to keep nagging him, but the way I am seeing it now is that if I can't trust him to take care of the little things, how can I trust him to take care of the big things in our marriage.
    And you're absolutely right about not disclosing to family and friends, I am learning the hard way-my friends are completely unsupportive of me waiting and being faithful and staying in the marriage after everything he's done. But now i know I have to handle things privately and make decisions based on me and not everyone's opinions-it really does cluster your thoughts.

    Thank you for your kind words and advice. Lately I've been feeling like I just had to keep this inside, I can't talk to him about it, not my family/friends and it's been hard trying to juggle my thoughts and process my feelings.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Navywife03 View Post
    Is he committed? I am not sure truthfully. This is still still very fresh for me then he went on deployment. He said he's done but I don't know. I am anxious about him being on this deployment-the time he has on his hands, other females he's around 10-12 hours a day, when he stops in ports and he's free to do whatever. It isn't a life for either of us to live.
    I actually did give him an ultimatum about his social media, email and so forth, to which he promised he would take care of-but here we are about 6 weeks into his deployment and nothing. I don't want to keep nagging him, but the way I am seeing it now is that if I can't trust him to take care of the little things, how can I trust him to take care of the big things in our marriage.
    And you're absolutely right about not disclosing to family and friends, I am learning the hard way-my friends are completely unsupportive of me waiting and being faithful and staying in the marriage after everything he's done. But now i know I have to handle things privately and make decisions based on me and not everyone's opinions-it really does cluster your thoughts.

    Thank you for your kind words and advice. Lately I've been feeling like I just had to keep this inside, I can't talk to him about it, not my family/friends and it's been hard trying to juggle my thoughts and process my feelings.
    I'm so sorry.
    It's a unique pain....
    You should be able to talk to him about it, but I know how that is.... it was hard for us because like you, I found out after the fact, so it was fresh for me while for him, it had been resolved and everything should have been fine in his mind. I don't kniw why it's so hard for them to be understanding when they were the ones who caused the pain.
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    Smile Hello

    I have been away from the community for awhile but I just saw your post and I wondered if you and DH are willing to try mariage counseling together. I am not one to give advice however I will offer encouragement. Deployments are hard but I found use was talking to someone you vent to,perhaps a neutral party like someone from church,school,or work that you can trust. Hope everything works out for you. A marriage can be saved unless two people are willing to work at it.
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    Quote Originally Posted by atlast1985 View Post
    I have been away from the community for awhile but I just saw your post and I wondered if you and DH are willing to try mariage counseling together. I am not one to give advice however I will offer encouragement. Deployments are hard but I found use was talking to someone you vent to,perhaps a neutral party like someone from church,school,or work that you can trust. Hope everything works out for you. A marriage can be saved unless two people are willing to work at it.
    We did try counseling at one point maybe a year or so ago and that was a disaster, he was against it and I finally convinced him to go and the counselor immediately began to finger point at him for our issues and in one of our sessions she told me that him and I were probably better off as friends and that I should move out-he refused to go back afterwards. Since then, counseling has been a topic but he does not want to do it. I began counseling last week, at this point I am trying to figure out whether or not I can move past everything he's done. He is on deployment, arrived at a port and I've been anxious because during our friendship/pre dating time he told me and showed me what they when they visit ports. He said he's sorry I was anxious but that he didn't have a want or intention of doing anything which to him maybe it may have been a good response but what wife that has been cheated on doesn't want to get re-assurance, to me that is like "well I don't want to and I don't have intentions to do anything so I wont, but if I did, I would". Not the response from him I needed. Being a military wife, even as new to it as I feel even though its been 4 years is not easy, trying to figure out your marriage, while on deployment after infidelity is not good. Hoping therapy will give me a better sense of direction in my marriage.

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