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Thread: Why do I feel this way?

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Why do I feel this way?

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    So I've been married almost four years now, been with my husband for over five years.

    I love him more than anything in the whole world and he's currently deployed, set to be back before Christmas, but we'll see how that goes.
    I'm currently going to school to complete my bachelor's degree. I've made fast friends with this guy, Mark.

    Mark has a girlfriend, and he ended his engagement last year because his fiancee was cheating on him.
    Mark recently started dating this girl, like after we met, and he is totally smitten with her. The way his eyes light up when he talks about her is the same look my hubby gives me. It's totally adorable. His girlfriend was supposed to be a one night stand, a casual hookup to get himself back in the game after breaking it off with his finacee, but they both fell for each other.

    Mark and I are in the same major, and have a lot of classes together. We study well together, and just get along in general.
    I think that Mark and my hubby are going to get along great, they have a lot of the same tastes in hobbies, beers, and books.

    I tell my husband when Mark and I are hanging out (just the two of us) and what we are doing, which is typically homework, video games, or binge watching a TV show on Netflix.
    Mark tells his girlfriend when we are hanging out.

    Mark and I make it a point to bring up our significant others in our talks, and we've agreed to "not air our dirty laundry" with our respective SOs to each other and to stop the other if it gets brought up. Mark and I talk about everything else, and I mean everything. There's a lot of talk about sex in general, typically jokes about masturbation and such. Though it will sometimes go into talking about our sexual pasts. I've asked his opinion on how certain things are for the guy, like in a general sense, not for him specifically.

    When my hubby was home after chatting with Mark at school, I would channel all of that pent up sexual energy into passion for my hubby, and it wasn't me pretending my hubby was Mark, it was how much I really loved and wanted my hubby, Mark didn't enter my mind at all.

    We've talked about being in a committed relationship, but still noticing other attractive people and "lusting" over them, but at the end of the day that's not really what we want. We want our respective SOs.

    We've had a lengthy discussion on how we both agree that nudity in and of its self has been overly sexualized and that there is a way in which nudity can be a form of art. Take Suicide Girls for example. Suicide Girls in a modeling group which focuses on non traditional models. And there are many tasteful full nude shots of women in a non sexual manor. But on the flip side of that, we have no intention of purposefully seeing each other naked.

    Lately, I've been getting really bitchy, since I haven't had sex since my hubby left, and I'm a faithful loving wife, so I won't be having any till I see my hubby again, but, I'm still getting bitchy. I made a comment about "how it's not like I'm single, so you cant just tell me to go get laid and stop being a bitch" and he responded with "if you were single, I probably wouldn't be with Kate, it'd be you cuz it would be convenient" I should point out his girl lives about two hours away, and he goes to see her every chance he gets.

    I know that I can tell Mark pretty much anything, play video games, and not worry about how much I drink because I know he won't take advantage of me, and I've told him that. I even told him that I wished he was gay, and he said that I could call him my gay best friend, and I told him I couldn't. He asked why, I told him cuz he can't cuddle with me all night long after a really stressful week, and he was like yeah, can't do that. If he were gay, I'd have no problem and I know my hubby wouldn't have a problem.

    If my hubby had a female friend with this same type of relationship, I'd be ok with it. In fact, I hope he does, if he has a girl that he can talk to about anything, that time with her builds sexual tension that doesn't get released till him and I are together and in the sheets, that's fine. It's not like we're getting naked for each other, climbing all over each other, having long extended hugs, spooning, or sharing a bed.

    Sometimes I'll find something about him that shows me that we would not work as a couple. And the feelings subside temporarily.

    It's just I want these feelings I have for Mark to dissipate, without stopping all communication and hanging out. I'm tired of having these feelings. I do not want destroy my marriage, I do not want to destroy his relationship, and I want him as friend. He is a good guy, and he would feel destroyed if he did anything to hurt his girl. I know that if we had sex, that would be the end of our friendship, the end of my husband trusting me, and just bad scenario all around. I do not want that. I just want to keep my friend, and my sanity intact.

    So how can I do this?
  2. Super Speshil
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    #2
    I think you're fooling yourself if you think these interactions, how they've progressed, are just innocent, platonic friendship. The conversations, especially veering into certain subjects, can present a real issue, as you're experiencing now. The only way to allow these feelings to dissipate is to minimize the type of emotional intimacy you're putting into this friendship. Take a break, do some introspection, evaluate your marriage's boundaries, and set boundaries that are less likely to be crossed.
    Pax, Aeon
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    #3
    Oh boy.
    I was in college when my husband was stationed in Japan, I do understand feeling sexually deprived.
    However...
    I was going to suggest keeping your meetings in public places, or do what I did (while at bars) I had a keychain with his picture, so if I was getting buzzed and some guy tried to pick me up I could easily bring him up (yea cheezy, judge me if you will.)
    BUT
    in the blue book (the hand book for AA) the founder talks about realizing he had a problem when he made rules about drinking. For example, "if I only drink after 5pm, I'm not an alcoholic."

    The fact that you have these feelings and are posting for advice means you are tempted.
    I know you don't WANT to cut it off, but that's exactly the advice I'm going to give. Like cutting off an infected limb to save your life, you don't want to, but sometimes it is necessarry.
    I have been there. I wouldn't be telling you this if it weren't true.
    I really think it's gone too far already with the sex talk.
    Call me old fashion, but sexual tension is NOT for building with friends. That is a spousal thing.

    What happens if you both get caught in a weak moment? What happens when he makes a pass at you? It sounds like he is waiting for the opportune moment.

    I get having platonic friends of the opposite sex. But there are things that don't belong in platonic friendships that sound very present in your relationship with Mark.
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    #4
    actually, I think Biz Markie had the perfect words for this situation....
    but you say he's just a friend
    but you say he's just a friend
  5. "...now do Classical Gas"
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    #5
    It IS possible to have a really close friend who's male. I do.

    This though...this is veering into very murky waters, especially with the sexual tension. I agree with the other responses you've had. You need to step back at least for a while, take some time to think about where the boundaries are and perhaps set some new ones.
    If I cannot move heaven, I will raise hell
  6. Senior Member
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by tirednhungry View Post
    So I've been married almost four years now, been with my husband for over five years.

    I love him more than anything in the whole world and he's currently deployed, set to be back before Christmas, but we'll see how that goes.
    I'm currently going to school to complete my bachelor's degree. I've made fast friends with this guy, Mark.

    Mark has a girlfriend, and he ended his engagement last year because his fiancee was cheating on him.
    Mark recently started dating this girl, like after we met, and he is totally smitten with her. The way his eyes light up when he talks about her is the same look my hubby gives me. It's totally adorable. His girlfriend was supposed to be a one night stand, a casual hookup to get himself back in the game after breaking it off with his finacee, but they both fell for each other.

    Mark and I are in the same major, and have a lot of classes together. We study well together, and just get along in general.
    I think that Mark and my hubby are going to get along great, they have a lot of the same tastes in hobbies, beers, and books.

    I tell my husband when Mark and I are hanging out (just the two of us) and what we are doing, which is typically homework, video games, or binge watching a TV show on Netflix.
    Mark tells his girlfriend when we are hanging out.

    Mark and I make it a point to bring up our significant others in our talks, and we've agreed to "not air our dirty laundry" with our respective SOs to each other and to stop the other if it gets brought up. Mark and I talk about everything else, and I mean everything. There's a lot of talk about sex in general, typically jokes about masturbation and such. Though it will sometimes go into talking about our sexual pasts. I've asked his opinion on how certain things are for the guy, like in a general sense, not for him specifically.

    When my hubby was home after chatting with Mark at school, I would channel all of that pent up sexual energy into passion for my hubby, and it wasn't me pretending my hubby was Mark, it was how much I really loved and wanted my hubby, Mark didn't enter my mind at all.

    We've talked about being in a committed relationship, but still noticing other attractive people and "lusting" over them, but at the end of the day that's not really what we want. We want our respective SOs.

    We've had a lengthy discussion on how we both agree that nudity in and of its self has been overly sexualized and that there is a way in which nudity can be a form of art. Take Suicide Girls for example. Suicide Girls in a modeling group which focuses on non traditional models. And there are many tasteful full nude shots of women in a non sexual manor. But on the flip side of that, we have no intention of purposefully seeing each other naked.

    Lately, I've been getting really bitchy, since I haven't had sex since my hubby left, and I'm a faithful loving wife, so I won't be having any till I see my hubby again, but, I'm still getting bitchy. I made a comment about "how it's not like I'm single, so you cant just tell me to go get laid and stop being a bitch" and he responded with "if you were single, I probably wouldn't be with Kate, it'd be you cuz it would be convenient" I should point out his girl lives about two hours away, and he goes to see her every chance he gets.

    I know that I can tell Mark pretty much anything, play video games, and not worry about how much I drink because I know he won't take advantage of me, and I've told him that. I even told him that I wished he was gay, and he said that I could call him my gay best friend, and I told him I couldn't. He asked why, I told him cuz he can't cuddle with me all night long after a really stressful week, and he was like yeah, can't do that. If he were gay, I'd have no problem and I know my hubby wouldn't have a problem.

    If my hubby had a female friend with this same type of relationship, I'd be ok with it. In fact, I hope he does, if he has a girl that he can talk to about anything, that time with her builds sexual tension that doesn't get released till him and I are together and in the sheets, that's fine. It's not like we're getting naked for each other, climbing all over each other, having long extended hugs, spooning, or sharing a bed.

    Sometimes I'll find something about him that shows me that we would not work as a couple. And the feelings subside temporarily.

    It's just I want these feelings I have for Mark to dissipate, without stopping all communication and hanging out. I'm tired of having these feelings. I do not want destroy my marriage, I do not want to destroy his relationship, and I want him as friend. He is a good guy, and he would feel destroyed if he did anything to hurt his girl. I know that if we had sex, that would be the end of our friendship, the end of my husband trusting me, and just bad scenario all around. I do not want that. I just want to keep my friend, and my sanity intact.

    So how can I do this?
    If this is real...
    Then I think you're venturing into dangerous territory and you need to distance yourself from this man. If you're already thinking about sleeping with him then it's time to let him go. What's more important your friend or your husband?




  7. Senior Member
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    #7
    Sexual tension is not just a normal thing in platonic relationships. Time to choose. Cut things off with Mark if you want to be with your husband.
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    #8
    I'll be blunt, I think you've already crossed a line and are actively emotionally cheating with this guy and it's just a matter of time before it turns physical. You're gonna have to make a choice whether your marriage or your friendship with this guy is more important. But I can tell you if you just let things keep on as they are, everyone is going to end up hurt.
  9. Old Newbie
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    #9
    I would try to cool it for a while and find something else to keep you busy. You dont want to risk losing your friend and husband and this situation might leave you vulnerable to make mistakes.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by idratherbehiking View Post
    If this is real...
    Then I think you're venturing into dangerous territory and you need to distance yourself from this man. If you're already thinking about sleeping with him then it's time to let him go. What's more important your friend or your husband?
    "She knew she loved him when 'home' went from being a place to being a person."
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