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Thread: I'm desperate for help.

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    #1

    I'm desperate for help.

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    Hello everyone, I'm only 19 but I'm engaged to a midshipman in the navy. Right now, he's going through plebe summer, so I can't contact him aside from writing letters. I've been supporting him and staying positive, but it's come at a price. I don't have a lot of support or understanding with friends or family, so most days I try to deal with missing him by myself. Am I stupid for thinking I can be a military wife? Am I setting myself up for failure and heartbreak? Am I too young?

    If he were here with me, I wouldn't have these doubts. I love him so much. But he's gone, and it's just me. I'm just so lost. I know this isn't a question that is easily answered, but what should I do?
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by rhea120 View Post
    Hello everyone, I'm only 19 but I'm engaged to a midshipman in the navy. Right now, he's going through plebe summer, so I can't contact him aside from writing letters. I've been supporting him and staying positive, but it's come at a price. I don't have a lot of support or understanding with friends or family, so most days I try to deal with missing him by myself. Am I stupid for thinking I can be a military wife? Am I setting myself up for failure and heartbreak? Am I too young?

    If he were here with me, I wouldn't have these doubts. I love him so much. But he's gone, and it's just me. I'm just so lost. I know this isn't a question that is easily answered, but what should I do?
    There are a zillion and one threads on here about getting married young and the consensus is to wait. I got married at 19 and it was fucking hard. Almost 9 years later I still say I should have waited. We are the last couple in our original group of military friends to remain married if that tells you anything.

    I always say wait until you've lived on your own, pay your own rent, college tuition, insurance, bills, etc. Once you've gotten a feel for being self sufficient you will set yourself up for a successful marriage.
    Last edited by idratherbehiking; 07-13-2017 at 11:12 PM.




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    IMO--and it won't be popular--yes, you are too young. I think anyone who is 19 is too young to fully commit to one person. Date, see what happens, cool. But to commit now to marriage? Nope.

    And I think it's an especially frivolous decision when you won't be able to marry this person for at least 4 years anyway. Mids are not allowed to have dependents.

    And when you don't have support from friends and family, you are setting yourself up for catastrophe. What do you think will help you when your DH is deployed, or he's in flight school and has almost zero time for you, or all those military moments. Or, for that matter, what do you think helps in a young marriage? You need to cultivate those outside relationships. it isn't healthy to have one person be basically your whole world, and it's not fair to them, either.

    What should you do? Just date this guy. Support him as much as you can with the distance and limits. Don't think about marriage or any of that. Just be his girlfriend. And in the mean time, develop friendships, strengthen your relationships with your family members, and develop a social support network. Go to school or get started on your career. No matter what happens in your future, those things will serve you well.

    And just so maybe you don't dismiss this as me talking out of my ass, I met a guy when we were both 15, in high school. We dated briefly. After graduation, we started dating, and then we ended it when he left for the Academy. While he was there, we were not together. We dated other people. When he came home summers or at Christmas, we would get together for lunch or a movie (sometimes platonically, and sometimes when we were both single, not). I lived my life. I had friends and learned about relationships by dating other people, and I went to college and had a ton of wonderful experiences. I moved out and lived with roommates and paid my own bills.

    And then we both graduated and when i saw him there was still a connection, and I flew out to visit him during flight school. And then we were dating. And now we've been married for over a decade.

    Take your time, develop yourself as a person, and let him do the same. And then see what happens.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    IMO--and it won't be popular--yes, you are too young. I think anyone who is 19 is too young to fully commit to one person. Date, see what happens, cool. But to commit now to marriage? Nope.

    And I think it's an especially frivolous decision when you won't be able to marry this person for at least 4 years anyway. Mids are not allowed to have dependents.

    And when you don't have support from friends and family, you are setting yourself up for catastrophe. What do you think will help you when your DH is deployed, or he's in flight school and has almost zero time for you, or all those military moments. Or, for that matter, what do you think helps in a young marriage? You need to cultivate those outside relationships. it isn't healthy to have one person be basically your whole world, and it's not fair to them, either.

    What should you do? Just date this guy. Support him as much as you can with the distance and limits. Don't think about marriage or any of that. Just be his girlfriend. And in the mean time, develop friendships, strengthen your relationships with your family members, and develop a social support network. Go to school or get started on your career. No matter what happens in your future, those things will serve you well.

    And just so maybe you don't dismiss this as me talking out of my ass, I met a guy when we were both 15, in high school. We dated briefly. After graduation, we started dating, and then we ended it when he left for the Academy. While he was there, we were not together. We dated other people. When he came home summers or at Christmas, we would get together for lunch or a movie (sometimes platonically, and sometimes when we were both single, not). I lived my life. I had friends and learned about relationships by dating other people, and I went to college and had a ton of wonderful experiences. I moved out and lived with roommates and paid my own bills.

    And then we both graduated and when i saw him there was still a connection, and I flew out to visit him during flight school. And then we were dating. And now we've been married for over a decade.

    Take your time, develop yourself as a person, and let him do the same. And then see what happens.
    You married your hs sweetheart? Awww. How sweet! How cool!
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
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    #5
    I agree with Villanelle, you are at an age where you are still growing as a person and there is no hurry to get married. Most of my friends that married young are divorced and on their second marriage, most of them look back and agree they were too young and not ready settle down.


    "Well behaved women rarely make history"
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    #6
    He can't marry till after graduation so you won't be married till early 20's is that young yes but honestly the next 4 years gives you the ability to go to school and have a bit of his life while he also gets to have his and deal with his military obligations.

    You have the next 4 years to decide if you can do this. Now the academy is a whole different animal compared to boot camp and the real navy. I know there are pages out there for fellow midshipman girlfriends and all. Or at least there has to be with how Facebook is the cool thing and a great way to get info and support from others.

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