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Thread: Should I take the leap of faith?

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    #1

    Should I take the leap of faith?

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    Hello!

    I want to start by saying how relieved I am to have a support system like this in my life right now. I'm seeking advice from anyone that has been in the same situation as me...

    I started dating a guy about two months ago. I am 25 and he is 29. On our second or third date, he let me know he had joined the Navy and would be leaving in July 2017 for basic. I tried not to get too attached but the heart wants what it wants and here I am.

    Knowing our time is limited, we hangout all the time. We have both a physical and emotional bond. He tells me he cares about me and likes me a lot. He "can't imagine going through basic without me." I think it's sweet that he gives me so much time knowing he doesn't have much left. He said he wants me to write him letters while he is in basic too.

    However....the idea of starting a "official" relationship seems to make him really uncomfortable. All the signs are there that he has feelings for me and cares a lot about me. We have had a few light conversations about the topic of being BF/GF and it always ends with me being more confused. I've kind of developed a mindset where I just don't ask anymore. I'm still enjoying his company and our friendship but I definitely am falling for this guy.

    Things he has said when we have "the talk"
    -"I can't commit to anything before I leave."
    -"I don't know where I'm going to be in a few months."
    -"I'm afraid I won't be able to give you the attention that you deserve."
    -"I've just got too much going on right now to think about that" (all the prep work before leaving)

    So here is where I am seeking some advice...do I trust in God and put my heat on the line to see where this goes? Should I see where I'm at in 7 weeks after basic?
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    #2
    He's said multiple times in not so many words that he doesn't want a relationship. He doesn't have time, he doesn't know where he will be, he said he doesn't want to commit.

    So no. I wouldn't "trust god and put my heart on the line". He's made it pretty clear he doesn't want to be your boyfriend.


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    #3
    Some guys want someone to keep them company/miss them while they're going through basic. It sounds like he wants all the perks of a relationship without the commitment. I would be very cautious. If you want to be with him then go ahead and wait. If things don't go well you only wasted 7 weeks.
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    #4
    There is no leap of faith to take. he said no.
    Like Sabrina said, he wants all the perks without the actual commitment.
    I wouldn't put my time, effort, and emotional well being into someone who wasn't willing to do the same for me.
    Which is what he's saying, he's saying he doesn't want you badly enough to put HIS time, effort, and emotional well being into being with you. He is saying, "keep me from being lonely, but don't expect anything in return, and I reserve the right to find another girl when convinient for me."
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    #5
    also, was the conversation about letters him asking about sending letters started by him or you? If it was him out of the blue asking you to write him, I would take it differently than you asking if you could write him and him saying, "yea, okay, if you want."

    I mean, either way, he said no multiple times in multiple ways.
    go find someone who will tell you yes every day.

    sorry for the bluntness.
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    #6
    I've never been in a situation like this but... I have an opinion!

    If I'm feeling confused and feel like I can't talk to a guy about our relationship then I'd leave. Men need certain things in a relationship (wink, wink) and women need emotional support - if either party can't give what is needed and doesn't sound like he wants to work on it, then I wouldn't stay.

    That said, it's your life but you seem hesitant. The person that is truly made for you won't make you hesitate.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by EBirmi28 View Post
    Hello!

    I want to start by saying how relieved I am to have a support system like this in my life right now. I'm seeking advice from anyone that has been in the same situation as me...

    I started dating a guy about two months ago. I am 25 and he is 29. On our second or third date, he let me know he had joined the Navy and would be leaving in July 2017 for basic. I tried not to get too attached but the heart wants what it wants and here I am.

    Knowing our time is limited, we hangout all the time. We have both a physical and emotional bond. He tells me he cares about me and likes me a lot. He "can't imagine going through basic without me." I think it's sweet that he gives me so much time knowing he doesn't have much left. He said he wants me to write him letters while he is in basic too.

    However....the idea of starting a "official" relationship seems to make him really uncomfortable. All the signs are there that he has feelings for me and cares a lot about me. We have had a few light conversations about the topic of being BF/GF and it always ends with me being more confused. I've kind of developed a mindset where I just don't ask anymore. I'm still enjoying his company and our friendship but I definitely am falling for this guy.

    Things he has said when we have "the talk"
    -"I can't commit to anything before I leave."
    -"I don't know where I'm going to be in a few months."
    -"I'm afraid I won't be able to give you the attention that you deserve."
    -"I've just got too much going on right now to think about that" (all the prep work before leaving)

    So here is where I am seeking some advice...do I trust in God and put my heat on the line to see where this goes? Should I see where I'm at in 7 weeks after basic?
    I started dating my husband a few months before he left for boot camp (we were 17 and 18 at the time). He told me he didn't want a girlfriend since he knew he would be shipping out soon, which didn't really bother me because we'd only just met. Well it only took a week before he knew he wanted me and we would make it work. When you know you know.

    The difference is, your guy has made it clear he doesn't want anything and he's stood by that for a few months. I've seen it time and time again: the guy ships to boot camp, wants a girl who he can't commit to a relationship with write to him, and as soon as boot camp ends he realizes that distance is hard so they end whatever "relationship" they have.

    No I wouldn't wait around. If he wanted you then he'd make it work. I'm sorry




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    #8
    I think he's told you several times that he's not ready for a relationship, he's not talking in code. Guys say what they mean most of the time and girls try to decode it like it's a different language, he's clearly telling you he isn't ready for the commitment.

    I don't see an issue with you continuing a friendship with him but I wouldn't get emotionally involved with this guy and I would make it very clear to him as well if there is no commitment on his end then there isn't a commitment on yours. You shouldn't be waiting around for a friend, if some other guy comes along and strikes your fancy then you're free to date as long as this guy hasn't established a committed relationship with you. As long as you're both clear on where you stand then be friends, write him letters, continue to get to know him.


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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by bdizzle View Post
    He's said multiple times in not so many words that he doesn't want a relationship. He doesn't have time, he doesn't know where he will be, he said he doesn't want to commit.

    So no. I wouldn't "trust god and put my heart on the line". He's made it pretty clear he doesn't want to be your boyfriend.
    This. He's giving you a clear answer and you're refusing to hear it. I'd end things tbh, it's way more hurtful (and honestly embarrassing) to keep trying to make somebody commit to you.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by ThumperJane View Post
    I've never been in a situation like this but... I have an opinion!

    If I'm feeling confused and feel like I can't talk to a guy about our relationship then I'd leave. Men need certain things in a relationship (wink, wink) and women need emotional support - if either party can't give what is needed and doesn't sound like he wants to work on it, then I wouldn't stay.

    That said, it's your life but you seem hesitant. The person that is truly made for you won't make you hesitate.
    These stereotypes are so ridiculous, I'm honestly surprised they are still a thing. As if men don't need emotional support and women don't need sex

    Anywayyyyss I hate gray areas in the beginning of a relationship, you never know where you stand and what to call each other. This guy was kind enough to spare you having to "figure it out" and has told you, repeatedly, that he doesn't want a relationship with you. Why continue fawning over something that just isn't there? Don't write him letters, don't continue to "hang out" if you want something more. Move on and find someone who wants the same things as you.
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