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Thread: I'm majorly freaking out.... :(

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    #1

    Nutts I'm majorly freaking out.... :(

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    Hi! I'm brand new here. I just did not know anyone I can talk to about this and found the forum while searching online!

    My long term boyfriend is starting his BUDs soon (next week to be exact...) and this past week, there were barely any communication. If anything, it has been very curt and dry. I knew he was busy and stressed so I sent him messages occasionally being supportive and letting him know he is amazing and i believe in him & that he will kick some butt at BUDs. But there was no love in return when he replied (if he replied... I think i got a total of 5 messages entire week)....

    Last message was my SO telling me he's going to be extremely busy and will not be replying for a while. & i wish him luck and told him i loved him..... and he said nothing....

    Was it too much for me to have wished he would at least tell me he loved me before he cut off communication for his training? He called me by my name in the last text, which he only does when he's annoyed/upset at me....

    Do you guys think I'm freaking out?

    The previous weekend, during In Doc, I saw him and we celebrated our anniversary together. We did have a small argument but it wasn't anything major, and we immediately resolved it. When I was about to leave, we hugged and kissed and told each other we loved each other and will miss each other...

    The lack of communication this week did indeed annoy me. I mean, my SO was defintely busy, but not overly busy since he was constantly checking social media.... Was it wrong for me to bring it up to him that I wanted at least some sort of communication at least to know he's alive? I know I'm not going to get any communication once BUDs start, so it would have been nice to at least get some cute messages this week....

    Ugh, I hate being this way..... but I am incredibly new to this whole military thing and special ops nonetheless.....

    I just really need someone to talk to and calm me down... :'(

    Thank you very much!





    We are both in our mid 20's, both have college degrees. I work professionally and he's obviously pursuing his military career. We've been dating for couple years. I know our relationship isn't perfect, but we are happy with the relationship. We are very much serious with each other, talked about moving in together once he can live off base, talked about our future, marriage etc. I 1000000% support his career decision. I am very proud of him. In fact, if he wants to give up because anything, I know i'm going to tell him "don't you dare give up your career because of (blank)." His career goal has become my goal and I want him to become a Seal as much as he does.
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    #2
    If I had to guess (and that's all this can be)...he's tying himself in knots about starting the training process so soon, and being an antisocial ass is a symptom of his attempts to deal with it.

    He gets one chance to do this. Just one.

    Most people who attempt it will fail.

    He'd have know that when he put his paperwork through. Now, he has no more time to be less than certain - "do I really want it? Can I even do it?". It's happening now whether he's ready for it or not...and it can only happen once, so he snarls and snaps and acts like an ass because it's better (from his perspective) to do that then to admit he doesn't know if he's made the right call.

    He's frightened, a little. He doesn't know what to do with a girlfriend who's so sure he'll make it...because what if he doesn't? The little gnawing doubting voice in his head is getting to him, and he's taking it out on you.
    If I cannot move heaven, I will raise hell
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    #3
    I don't think it's unreasonable to want or ask for what you've asked for. But I also don't think it's unreasonable for him to approach this the way he is. He's about to do a huge thing that will test every bit of him. It's makes sense that he'd might draw in on himself and start to close off a bit. Only you can decide if you can tolerate that in a relationship. Because while he'll only do BUDS once, assuming he finishes and eventually becomes a SEAL, there are going to be lots of times in his future where he may shut down in anticipation of something he's about to do, or times where he's unable or unwilling to communicate.

    Of all the long term SEAL relationships I've seen up close, not a single one of them has survived. It can be a very brutal life for those doing it, and those who love them.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by dusqhfk View Post
    Hi! I'm brand new here. I just did not know anyone I can talk to about this and found the forum while searching online!

    My long term boyfriend is starting his BUDs soon (next week to be exact...) and this past week, there were barely any communication. If anything, it has been very curt and dry. I knew he was busy and stressed so I sent him messages occasionally being supportive and letting him know he is amazing and i believe in him & that he will kick some butt at BUDs. But there was no love in return when he replied (if he replied... I think i got a total of 5 messages entire week)....

    Last message was my SO telling me he's going to be extremely busy and will not be replying for a while. & i wish him luck and told him i loved him..... and he said nothing....

    Was it too much for me to have wished he would at least tell me he loved me before he cut off communication for his training? He called me by my name in the last text, which he only does when he's annoyed/upset at me....


    Do you guys think I'm freaking out?

    The previous weekend, during In Doc, I saw him and we celebrated our anniversary together. We did have a small argument but it wasn't anything major, and we immediately resolved it. When I was about to leave, we hugged and kissed and told each other we loved each other and will miss each other...

    The lack of communication this week did indeed annoy me. I mean, my SO was defintely busy, but not overly busy since he was constantly checking social media.... Was it wrong for me to bring it up to him that I wanted at least some sort of communication at least to know he's alive? I know I'm not going to get any communication once BUDs start, so it would have been nice to at least get some cute messages this week....

    Ugh, I hate being this way..... but I am incredibly new to this whole military thing and special ops nonetheless.....

    I just really need someone to talk to and calm me down... :'(

    Thank you very much!





    We are both in our mid 20's, both have college degrees. I work professionally and he's obviously pursuing his military career. We've been dating for couple years. I know our relationship isn't perfect, but we are happy with the relationship. We are very much serious with each other, talked about moving in together once he can live off base, talked about our future, marriage etc. I 1000000% support his career decision. I am very proud of him. In fact, if he wants to give up because anything, I know i'm going to tell him "don't you dare give up your career because of (blank)." His career goal has become my goal and I want him to become a Seal as much as he does.
    I see where you're coming from. I wouldn't read into it though. It sounds like he's so busy and focused that he's not even thinking about you right now (I don't mean that in a bad way). That's pretty normal.




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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Matchbox View Post
    If I had to guess (and that's all this can be)...he's tying himself in knots about starting the training process so soon, and being an antisocial ass is a symptom of his attempts to deal with it.

    He gets one chance to do this. Just one.

    Most people who attempt it will fail.

    He'd have know that when he put his paperwork through. Now, he has no more time to be less than certain - "do I really want it? Can I even do it?". It's happening now whether he's ready for it or not...and it can only happen once, so he snarls and snaps and acts like an ass because it's better (from his perspective) to do that then to admit he doesn't know if he's made the right call.

    He's frightened, a little. He doesn't know what to do with a girlfriend who's so sure he'll make it...because what if he doesn't? The little gnawing doubting voice in his head is getting to him, and he's taking it out on you.
    exactly this

    It's okay to have those feelings, that you wish he would have exchanged pleasantries, but it would behoove you to understand his position.
    he is probably so worried and so stressed, and also worried about letting you down.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    I don't think it's unreasonable to want or ask for what you've asked for. But I also don't think it's unreasonable for him to approach this the way he is. He's about to do a huge thing that will test every bit of him. It's makes sense that he'd might draw in on himself and start to close off a bit. Only you can decide if you can tolerate that in a relationship. Because while he'll only do BUDS once, assuming he finishes and eventually becomes a SEAL, there are going to be lots of times in his future where he may shut down in anticipation of something he's about to do, or times where he's unable or unwilling to communicate.

    Of all the long term SEAL relationships I've seen up close, not a single one of them has survived. It can be a very brutal life for those doing it, and those who love them.


    I'm looking at your OP it sounds like if he texted you 5 times in the week that's him checking in once a day. To me, when he is extremely busy and preparing for some training, that is reasonable. I would also caution you to be careful about the "constantly checking social media" part. Over the years I've seen a lot of misunderstandings based on this. For example, I leave my Facebook and Gmail accounts logged in on my home computer, but normally I'm on my work computer and even though it says I'm online, I'm not. And because it's sitting open it will often say message have been seen when they have not. In my experience this isn't uncommon, so unless he's liking status or writing comments I would take it with a large grain of salt if there's passive activity on social media.

    I know this is all new so it might not be possible now, but when you do get a chance to have a talk (which I understand may be a long time), I would try to settle on some expectations for when he's training/TDY/away etc. If he sets the expectation that he's only going to able to touch base daily, or maybe once in the morning or once at night, etc. etc. that will be a lot less frustrating and upsetting to you than if you're expecting constant communication throughout the day and wondering what is happening. And same on his side, he won't be frustrated and upset that his phone is blowing up and you're wondering where he is if you set the expectation that you need more frequent check-ins.

    Hang in there. I hope it gets better for you both.
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    Thank you everyone for the replies! I know that this is probably his stress causing him to shut off, which he has done so before.

    He texted me a long message earlier telling me he is stressed and needs to focus on his goal, and thinking about me and stuff takes his head off his goal. He also said he still is unsure about how we are going to work once he's done with BUDs... -sigh- I'm trying to show that i'm capable of going through this with him, more than he gives me credit for... but IDK what more can I do...

    We broke up once before before he went off to boot, but obviously we got back together once he got his phone back to communicate again. We broke up because he was stressed out about leaving, and believed our relationship wouldn't work back then... and now he's having the same doubt and it makes me nervous because I went through pretty much hell (although I was good at hiding it from people around me, it killed me)... I don't want to go through that again especially when we both indeed love each other and I see that this is stress talking, but I don't want him to make a decision off that.

    @Tojai: As for social media, it was snapchat and he checked my stories and my messages on it, sends messages to other people, and not me.... so I felt hurt by that... & the 5 texts weren't daily, but more 3 on Monday (technically just one message split into 3 by sentences haha), 1 telling me he finished his week friday, and the last telling me he's busy so he's not gonna talk to me
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    Quote Originally Posted by dusqhfk View Post
    Thank you everyone for the replies! I know that this is probably his stress causing him to shut off, which he has done so before.

    He texted me a long message earlier telling me he is stressed and needs to focus on his goal, and thinking about me and stuff takes his head off his goal. He also said he still is unsure about how we are going to work once he's done with BUDs... -sigh- I'm trying to show that i'm capable of going through this with him, more than he gives me credit for... but IDK what more can I do...

    We broke up once before before he went off to boot, but obviously we got back together once he got his phone back to communicate again. We broke up because he was stressed out about leaving, and believed our relationship wouldn't work back then... and now he's having the same doubt and it makes me nervous because I went through pretty much hell (although I was good at hiding it from people around me, it killed me)... I don't want to go through that again especially when we both indeed love each other and I see that this is stress talking, but I don't want him to make a decision off that.

    @Tojai: As for social media, it was snapchat and he checked my stories and my messages on it, sends messages to other people, and not me.... so I felt hurt by that... & the 5 texts weren't daily, but more 3 on Monday (technically just one message split into 3 by sentences haha), 1 telling me he finished his week friday, and the last telling me he's busy so he's not gonna talk to me
    In your place I would back off, at least for now. Tell him "I'll be ready when you are", so he knows it's not permanent, but respect his wishes and give him the space he needs to focus on the task at hand. He can only keep so many plates spinning at once.
    If I cannot move heaven, I will raise hell
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    Quote Originally Posted by dusqhfk View Post
    Thank you everyone for the replies! I know that this is probably his stress causing him to shut off, which he has done so before.

    He texted me a long message earlier telling me he is stressed and needs to focus on his goal, and thinking about me and stuff takes his head off his goal. He also said he still is unsure about how we are going to work once he's done with BUDs... -sigh- I'm trying to show that i'm capable of going through this with him, more than he gives me credit for... but IDK what more can I do...

    We broke up once before before he went off to boot, but obviously we got back together once he got his phone back to communicate again. We broke up because he was stressed out about leaving, and believed our relationship wouldn't work back then... and now he's having the same doubt and it makes me nervous because I went through pretty much hell (although I was good at hiding it from people around me, it killed me)... I don't want to go through that again especially when we both indeed love each other and I see that this is stress talking, but I don't want him to make a decision off that.

    @Tojai: As for social media, it was snapchat and he checked my stories and my messages on it, sends messages to other people, and not me.... so I felt hurt by that... & the 5 texts weren't daily, but more 3 on Monday (technically just one message split into 3 by sentences haha), 1 telling me he finished his week friday, and the last telling me he's busy so he's not gonna talk to me
    The thing is, you aren't the only important person in his life. It's not fair or especially reasonable to want all of is very limited free time and very limited emotional capacity to go to you. He gets to talk to his friends and family, too.

    It really sounds like neither of you is especially good at this kind of relationship, given that this has been an issue in the past. Id be searching my heart a bit and trying to be honest with myself about whether there was a fundamental incompatibility here, since he has a pattern of retreating and cutting you off, and you have a pattern of wanting more than he's willing or able to give.

    You may both love each other, but that's not nearly enough. Sometimes, the person can be right, but the circumstances need to be right too. Or the person may be someone we absolutely love, but something about them means that even though everything else is great, that one thing is enough to make it not work.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #10
    I'd just give him the time he needs and give him his space at least until he is done with BUDS. I can also see why he may be questioning what's next. Are you planning to drop your career to move all over the country/world with him? I'd just give him the space. I think it's probably pretty normal to be thinking about the future when everything you're doing is future focused at the moment.

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