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    Dead inside

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    My husband and I will be married for 10 years in January. Last night he told me he was dead inside. He's said that before but this time he told me basically that he has faked every feeling through our entire marriage. I thought we were living flare up to flare up, but I guess I was wrong? I looked at our new born son and asked him what he feels when he looks at him. He said he doesn't feel anything. He said he loves me but I don't understand. It sounds like a contradiction. How can he love me if he can't feel love? I asked him why he loves me and he said because I love him.
    He also said he's tired of being here, tired of faking it and tired of trying to be normal. He promised he wouldn't kill himself but I don't know if it's true. I am thinking of calling his therapist because he won't (he's not having appointments now) but if I do call, he probably won't go.
    Can he love? Am I sentenced to a lifetime of loving a man who will never truly love me back? I'm looking back over the years; our marriage, our children's births, all of the happy times and the feelings I felt. Is it possible that he never felt anything? Part of me doesn't believe it. Like it's just another way of pushing me away because he thinks I'm better off without him. If it is true, then did I ever really love him?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gene View Post
    My husband and I will be married for 10 years in January. Last night he told me he was dead inside. He's said that before but this time he told me basically that he has faked every feeling through our entire marriage. I thought we were living flare up to flare up, but I guess I was wrong? I looked at our new born son and asked him what he feels when he looks at him. He said he doesn't feel anything. He said he loves me but I don't understand. It sounds like a contradiction. How can he love me if he can't feel love? I asked him why he loves me and he said because I love him.
    He also said he's tired of being here, tired of faking it and tired of trying to be normal. He promised he wouldn't kill himself but I don't know if it's true. I am thinking of calling his therapist because he won't (he's not having appointments now) but if I do call, he probably won't go.
    Can he love? Am I sentenced to a lifetime of loving a man who will never truly love me back? I'm looking back over the years; our marriage, our children's births, all of the happy times and the feelings I felt. Is it possible that he never felt anything? Part of me doesn't believe it. Like it's just another way of pushing me away because he thinks I'm better off without him. If it is true, then did I ever really love him?
    What is he in therapy for right now? Is it for depression?
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    It sounds like he is fighting his own demons, and I know it's hard to not take something like that so personally.... but the best thing you can do for him is get him help. If he is not a suicide risk, you cannot force him to go, but I would voice your concerns and your love for him, and try to get him to get help.
    Military one source is good if you need to find a counselor, if he has one close like it sounds like he does, I would express urgancy to get him in.
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    This sounds like severe depression. Depression is mostly portrayed as extended sadness, but it is so much more than that. Feeling emptiness or a lack of purpose is very common in people suffering with depression. Yes he is capable of love and feeling, but depreasion makes it hard to. Things can get better if he seeks help for this. Tell him how much it would mean to you if he saw his therapist again or explain why you think it will help him. Maybe help him find a new hobby or get him back into one he hasn't had time for. Be sure to break up his routine and get outside. Try to do things he used to enjoy, it can help spark some emotion.

    In addition to him seeing his counselor I suggest that you two see a marriage counselor. This situation can weigh heavily on both partners and a counselor can help you through. It sounds like he hasn't felt that he can communicate with you freely if he has kept these feelings to himself for so long so I think it would be best to work on communication skills amd styles. Be sure that you are listening to and prioritizing your husband and are making sure that he feels comfortable sharing feelings with you. Be open to communication.
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    He needs to go back to his therapist/physician. I would encourage him to do that, but I don't think without active thoughts of suicide/self harm/harm to others that you can force him to.
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    He has PTSD I didn't specify because I didn't read through and thought you all had spouses with ptsd as that is what I googled. But then I saw that it is just for military families. He's been through therapy. I see a therapist too. Memorial Day triggered a flair up and he has been stuck there since. I knew he was feeling hopeless and thinking that calling his doctor would be a waste of time. But I saw it as something we just had to work through, we've been here many, many times but when he told me last night that all the times he "got better" were all fake, he gave me his hopelessness too. I've been riding this train for 10 years. It seems I'm not really in the right place to find someone who can really relate but thanks for the kind words.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gene View Post
    He has PTSD I didn't specify because I didn't read through and thought you all had spouses with ptsd as that is what I googled. But then I saw that it is just for military families. He's been through therapy. I see a therapist too. Memorial Day triggered a flair up and he has been stuck there since. I knew he was feeling hopeless and thinking that calling his doctor would be a waste of time. But I saw it as something we just had to work through, we've been here many, many times but when he told me last night that all the times he "got better" were all fake, he gave me his hopelessness too. I've been riding this train for 10 years. It seems I'm not really in the right place to find someone who can really relate but thanks for the kind words.

    We have a section for PTSD posts (PTSD), so you are in the right place.

    IME, it's common for depressed people to push loved ones away. I don't beilve he's never felt anything for you. Aside from talk therapy is he also getting medicated?
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by idratherbehiking View Post

    We have a section for PTSD posts (PTSD), so you are in the right place.

    IME, it's common for depressed people to push loved ones away. I don't beilve he's never felt anything for you. Aside from talk therapy is he also getting medicated?
    THIS! When I'm going through a deppresive episode I tend to push everyone away.
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    No, he is not on any medication. He just did therapy and when he finished the program and was doing well she released him and told him (and me) to call if he needs her. At the time I remember thinking that it would be better if she followed up with a phone call periodically or especially following his triggering dates. I would like for him to have an appointment automatically a couple of times a year at least.
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    Advice from a counselor: normalize his feelings so he doesn't feel so alone. Whatever he is going through, he is not alone, he is not crazy, and he will not feel this way forever. In the mean time, while you are trying to get him into therapy, put 1-800-273-8255 into yours or his phone. It's the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Therapy can help give him some initial symptom relief as soon as the first session, try to give him that much hope.

    I'm sorry you're going through this. It may also behoove you to go to therapy, group therapy, or something along those lines to help you through this

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