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Thread: Help! We have been dating 4 months and he is getting stationed in Japan!

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    #1

    Help! We have been dating 4 months and he is getting stationed in Japan!

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    I started dating my boyfriend 4 months ago. We met on Tinder. He initially asked me out in June on last year but I blew him off because I had a bad experience with a previous military relationship. He asked me out again in October and this time I agreed but he kept changing plans (lunch changed to brunch then dinner then back to brunch) it made me think he was talking to like 20 different girls and couldnt keep his dates straight. On the day on the date I canceled and he said okay. In February he adds me on Facebook and I accepted and he messaged me apologizing for the miscommunication and explained how bad he wanted to take me out. I agreed. We then began dating... baseball games, hockey games, hiking, board game bars, rock concerts, a weekend at the lake. Everything was perfect.

    When we first began dating I knew there was a possibility that he would be going to Japan as at that time he had orders but told me he could apply for an extension. His extension was approved. After six weeks of dating we had a serious discussion about what we wanted. He needed know that I wanted to pursue a relationship if he were to stay in Dayton. I told him I did. A week later he had a meeting with his boss who told him it was in his best interest for his career to go to Japan and get leadership experience as he was recently promoted to staff sergeant. He also won recruiter of the year . He told me at the beginning of April that he wanted to continue to date to see where this goes... I was upset because feelings were already involved. It was basically a Catch 22. I decided to continue to date. One night I brought it up after we had both been drinking. I asked him what we were going to do and he got upset and said you know what we shouldnt continue to date. We should have a platonic relationship. I said well if this is platonic I guess I should be half naked in your bed. I got up to put my clothes on and he begged me to stay. He explained how much he cared for me but didnt know what was going to happen because the relationship was so new. We agreed to see where it goes...

    May 1 he checked out and began leave for six weeks. We have since gotten a lot closer in our relationship. I work two jobs but every weekend drive an hour to see him in Columbus. He has met my family and I have met his. He leaves in a week. A week ago we said I love you for the first "real" time. He had been saying it to me for awhile but when he had been drinking so I never really knew if he meant it. I recently bought a house. He has told me many times if we would have started dating back in October I would be going with him. I am so in love with him. He always tells me I am his everything his world. The other day in the middle of the grocery store he was just like how did I get so lucky. Then we began a full on make out section right there in the middle of produce and then again in the parking lot. What do we do? He told me the other day he is kinda having second thoughts about Japan... What do I do!?
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by hkayeallen View Post
    What do I do!?
    Have a long distance relationship with him. A number of people here are in long distance relationships.
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    #3
    Hahaha making out in the produce section?!?! Those potatoes have eyes!!!

    Seriously though...
    Dh and I did the same thing. We were set up when he was in A school, and as soon as it was clear we dug each other, off to Japan he went!!

    I am conveniently located near cincinnati, I go up to dayton for doctor's appointments regularly, so if you ever want to have lunch or talk, I'm here!!!

    It seems overwhelming, it seems too much to take on, but love does crazy, overwhelming things and shows us that nothing is too much.

    We did it for three years. It can be done, it SUCKS but it is doable. Video calls are more common now than when we did it, communication is different than when we did it, so you have more options now!!

    Advice I will give:
    1. Don't attempt to talk about life stuff after drinking. Ever. On that same note, don't argue over emails if you can help it, if you can discuss things over the phone or in video chat, tone will be preserved, that was big with us. I would write in one tone and sometimes what I said was taken the wrong way.
    2. Look into cell phone coverage and what options are best for communicating with him, I'm sure this is different now and may even be a non issue.
    3. Don't question what you are going to do. You want him? Dig your heels in and just do it. The time will pass. Stay faithful and keep busy.
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    #4
    First of all, stop making out in grocery stores and parking lots. That's tacky as hell.

    Second, you decide whether it's worth it to continue this and see where it goes. Assuming everything he's told you is true, he's already got the orders and is just on leave en route, so there's no way for him to change his mind, even if he now regrets asking for them.

    So you look at the relationship, the hardship that is to come if you stay together, the possibility of it not surviving long distance (especially in a fairly new relationship), and how you feel about him, and you make a decision.

    It's pretty amazing to me that in about 2 months he went from asking for orders to Japan to being on leave en route. (4 months total dating, minus the the 6 weeks after starting to date when you had your serious conversation, plus another week later when he talked to his boss about Japan, and the minus another month because he started leave May 1, leaving about 2 months in middle for all the japan stuff to be discussed, for him to get orders, and for him to start leave.) So please make sure everything is as he says it is, and as you say it is. We see a lot of scams around here.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    First of all, stop making out in grocery stores and parking lots. That's tacky as hell.
    I do not like trying to find my produce when people are trying to feel up their partners melons....or his plums.

    If everything he is saying is legit, then you have three options;

    1. Move to Japan (not really feasible, someone who has gone overseas can explain to you all the red tape with this)
    2. Have an LDR and visit Japan (doable, many here have and are....hell we do this after marriage too)
    3. End the relationship (kind of knee jerk reaction for how much you seem to be into this guy)


    "Well behaved women rarely make history"
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    #6
    I definitely cannot imagine walking my kids by to pick up apples and having to field questions about why two people were going at it on the baby carrots.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by hkayeallen View Post
    I started dating my boyfriend 4 months ago. We met on Tinder. He initially asked me out in June on last year but I blew him off because I had a bad experience with a previous military relationship. He asked me out again in October and this time I agreed but he kept changing plans (lunch changed to brunch then dinner then back to brunch) it made me think he was talking to like 20 different girls and couldnt keep his dates straight. On the day on the date I canceled and he said okay. In February he adds me on Facebook and I accepted and he messaged me apologizing for the miscommunication and explained how bad he wanted to take me out. I agreed. We then began dating... baseball games, hockey games, hiking, board game bars, rock concerts, a weekend at the lake. Everything was perfect.

    When we first began dating I knew there was a possibility that he would be going to Japan as at that time he had orders but told me he could apply for an extension. His extension was approved. After six weeks of dating we had a serious discussion about what we wanted. He needed know that I wanted to pursue a relationship if he were to stay in Dayton. I told him I did. A week later he had a meeting with his boss who told him it was in his best interest for his career to go to Japan and get leadership experience as he was recently promoted to staff sergeant. He also won recruiter of the year . He told me at the beginning of April that he wanted to continue to date to see where this goes... I was upset because feelings were already involved. It was basically a Catch 22. I decided to continue to date. One night I brought it up after we had both been drinking. I asked him what we were going to do and he got upset and said you know what we shouldnt continue to date. We should have a platonic relationship. I said well if this is platonic I guess I should be half naked in your bed. I got up to put my clothes on and he begged me to stay. He explained how much he cared for me but didnt know what was going to happen because the relationship was so new. We agreed to see where it goes...

    May 1 he checked out and began leave for six weeks. We have since gotten a lot closer in our relationship. I work two jobs but every weekend drive an hour to see him in Columbus. He has met my family and I have met his. He leaves in a week. A week ago we said I love you for the first "real" time. He had been saying it to me for awhile but when he had been drinking so I never really knew if he meant it. I recently bought a house. He has told me many times if we would have started dating back in October I would be going with him. I am so in love with him. He always tells me I am his everything his world. The other day in the middle of the grocery store he was just like how did I get so lucky. Then we began a full on make out section right there in the middle of produce and then again in the parking lot. What do we do? He told me the other day he is kinda having second thoughts about Japan... What do I do!?
    QFP just in case

    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    Hahaha making out in the produce section?!?! Those potatoes have eyes!!!
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    First of all, stop making out in grocery stores and parking lots. That's tacky as hell.
    Quote Originally Posted by TheBitterSpouse View Post
    I do not like trying to find my produce when people are trying to feel up their partners melons....or his plums.
    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    I definitely cannot imagine walking my kids by to pick up apples and having to field questions about why two people were going at it on the baby carrots.



    OP, it's all already been said but do what you feel is right. LDRs can work if you both want them too...


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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post

    It's pretty amazing to me that in about 2 months he went from asking for orders to Japan to being on leave en route. (4 months total dating, minus the the 6 weeks after starting to date when you had your serious conversation, plus another week later when he talked to his boss about Japan, and the minus another month because he started leave May 1, leaving about 2 months in middle for all the japan stuff to be discussed, for him to get orders, and for him to start leave.) So please make sure everything is as he says it is, and as you say it is. We see a lot of scams around here.
    Looks like he's a Marine Corps recruiter. I'm betting that Japan was definitely on the table and they were just waiting for orders to be cut. We see a ton of guys go to Japan unaccompanied (which obviously if he is single) after recruiting. I think it was probably more set in stone than he led her on to believe.

    Also, as a recruiter, super surprised he made out in a grocery store, since every public location is an opportunity to recruit

    OP, if this is a guy you like, then buckle down and get ready for a long distance relationship. It's totally doable these days. FaceTime, Skype, vacations to visit. It's all feasible!
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    He also keeps telling me if we would have starting dating back in October I would be taking you with me right now. The first time he said it I was like okay. He has said it like 10 times now and I just don't really say anything because what am I suppose to say... Like is he trying to get a response from me? He said it a couple nights ago. I would have loved to have taken you with me. Also as we were leaving the grocery store I brought up my two cats, Louis and Princeton. He said I actually looked into how much it would cost to bring your cats to Japan. He said $300 per cat and a month in a kennel for quarantine. Do you think he was entertaining the idea of bringing me and my cats to Japan? This is a lot to take in and I am pretty level headed person typically.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by hkayeallen View Post
    He also keeps telling me if we would have starting dating back in October I would be taking you with me right now. The first time he said it I was like okay. He has said it like 10 times now and I just don't really say anything because what am I suppose to say... Like is he trying to get a response from me? He said it a couple nights ago. I would have loved to have taken you with me. Also as we were leaving the grocery store I brought up my two cats, Louis and Princeton. He said I actually looked into how much it would cost to bring your cats to Japan. He said $300 per cat and a month in a kennel for quarantine. Do you think he was entertaining the idea of bringing me and my cats to Japan? This is a lot to take in and I am pretty level headed person typically.
    Moving to Japan (implied marriage) with someone you have been talking to for less than a year, who talks about cats within minutes of making out in the produce aisle. What could go wrong?
    Girl.... do long distance if you want to be with him.
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