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Thread: He asked for a break

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    #1

    He asked for a break

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    Hi all,
    I going through something right now and I really don't know what to make of it. I'm hoping maybe a few of you could help? My boyfriend is a marine who is currently deployed (please forgive me if I get any of the terms mixed up, still kind of new to this) to Afghanistan. We've been dating for a little over 2 months but have been close friends for 9 months. We never had any intentions of dating, however, when we were able to spend some time together over a long weekend we began dating. It happened naturally, we work together well and everything with him feels right. I knew he was deploying as soon as he could tell people, I was mentally prepared for it and I knew we could get through this together.

    The first month of deployment went well, we were lucky enough to have cell service and wifi over there (trust me I don't take that for granted). He and I can text whenever we want, and when he has time he would call me. However, recently things have been different, the deployment hasn't been going the way he expected and he received news that he is going to have to be over there longer than what he was initially told. This obviously frustrated him and put him in to a funk which he hasn't been able to shake, I've tried really hard to be his rock and just be there for him. After two weeks of him not being interested in talking, and not being affectionate at all(not that he was all that affectionate to begin with, which is fine!), I asked if we were okay. He said that he thought we were but it wasn't reassuring. So we had a conversation about our relationship and it resulted in him asking for a break. His reasoning for it was that Afghanistan makes everything much harder, and that he didn't know what he wanted. Even though I was heartbroken over this, I agreed to it because I'm not the one away from my friends and family. We agreed to a week of no communication so that he could figure out what he wanted. Tomorrow (Thursday), will be the end of the week I've thought long and hard about what I want. I know I want him and our relationship, I want to be able to figure this out together, but I don't know what he wants. I'm scared that he won't want the relationship anymore. From what I've told y'all do you think my relationship is over? Do you think we can work this out? Or any other advice to help me through this? Thanks everyone!
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    #2
    You've been dating for 2 months, things were good for a month, then rocky for 2 weeks. So you dated for ~2 weeks before he left?

    It sounds to me like he's just not that invested. It got difficult, and he quit. I don't blame him, as if that timeline is anywhere close to accurate, it was a very new relationship and therefore likely without a lot of emotional investment. But I generally am not going to be with someone who expresses pretty clearly that he's not that in to me, or that I'm only worth his effort when things are easy. I'd make it a full break up, and maybe when he's home for a while you guys can get together if you are still single and see if, when you actually have time together to establish a relationship before he leaves, you can make it work. trying to sustain a relationship through a deployment when it's hardly a relationship at all because you just haven't spent much time together seems like a recipe for disaster, and a good way to kill any chance you may have had.

    For me, the question wouldn't be "can we work this out", but "why would I want to work this out"?
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    You've been dating for 2 months, things were good for a month, then rocky for 2 weeks. So you dated for ~2 weeks before he left?

    It sounds to me like he's just not that invested. It got difficult, and he quit. I don't blame him, as if that timeline is anywhere close to accurate, it was a very new relationship and therefore likely without a lot of emotional investment. But I generally am not going to be with someone who expresses pretty clearly that he's not that in to me, or that I'm only worth his effort when things are easy. I'd make it a full break up, and maybe when he's home for a while you guys can get together if you are still single and see if, when you actually have time together to establish a relationship before he leaves, you can make it work. trying to sustain a relationship through a deployment when it's hardly a relationship at all because you just haven't spent much time together seems like a recipe for disaster, and a good way to kill any chance you may have had.

    For me, the question wouldn't be "can we work this out", but "why would I want to work this out"?
    Yes, very much this.
    That last line (I still don't know how to put things in bold).

    Dating and being friends are very different, it doesn't sound like he wants to date. I don't think nine months of being friends makes it any more likely to be successful as a couple.

    Why would you WANT to be with someone who said they WANTED a break from you?
    To me that's a coward's break up.
    "I don't want to commit to breaking up in this conversation, so let's take a break," insert opportunity to ghost here.
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    #4
    Also, it has been said before to people in this forum, if you are asking a forum of strangers if you can work out your relationship, doesn't that tell you the answer?
    Sorry to be a negative nelly, it is my hope you move on and find someone who appreciates your efforts.
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    #5
    At least for me the first few months of dating are just getting to know someone. Sometimes you date someone for a few weeks and realize you really just aren't interested. It sounds like you two didn't date very long and he might be losing interest. I would break up with him and jump back out into the dating world. Maybe if you both are single when he gets back you can try again and have more time to get to know each other, but I definitely wouldn't wait around on him. Breaks usually do nothing but delay the inevitable breakup.
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    #6
    This should be the time you can't get enough of each other and want to talk all the time, whenever possible. Deployment or not. If someone told me after 2 months that they needed a break, I would call it quits. But, I don't do breaks in a relationship anyway.

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