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Thread: Unique situation: new "boyfriend" deployed

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Unique situation: new "boyfriend" deployed

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    Hi everyone! I'm hoping to get some advice on a really unique situation I'm currently in.

    I met a guy back in the middle of January and went on one date with him. I was interested in getting to know him better, but over the course of the next few days he slowly ghosted on me, so I let it go. Then about a month later, he contacted me out of the blue asking to get together again the next week. I ended up having to cancel because I got the flu, and when I asked to reschedule for the following week he told me he would be getting deployed to Afghanistan and we resigned ourselves to not seeing each other after all (side note: I knew he had been a member of the Army in the past, but did not realize he had gone reserves).

    During the week or two that he was on base getting ready to deploy, we continued to talk and he told me that "it would be really messed up" of him to ask me to wait for him to return, and if I met a great guy I shouldn't feel obligated to him while he was gone. Then he asked that if I were still single when he returned in a year if we could see each other. I said I didn't think there would be any problem with that, and that I would really enjoy continuing to speak with him while he was deployed if it was possible. He said it would be, that he would have his phone and laptop so we could either text or e-mail depending on what his wifi/data situation was any given day.

    When he first left, we talked quite often. I usually didn't have to wait long to hear back from him when I texted him, and when I did we were usually able to chat back and forth over the course of a few hours. I was pleasantly surprised, because I've dated someone in the military before and also work for the VA so I know how busy deployments can be.

    Well, as time has gone on, the communication has gotten fewer and farther between. He's never been the one to text first since he's been gone, and now I find that I'm texting to say hello or send pictures of things I've been up to (which he requested from me) and not hearing back for days and days at a time. I would normally not take offense to that because a) I'm not his girlfriend and he really has no obligation to me, and b) I know that he's working much longer and more strenuous days than I am. But when I'm waiting days and days to hear back from him (especially when I send a text saying "hey haven't heard from you in a while I just wanted to make sure you were safe and ok") but also seeing that he has posted a photo on Instagram or updated his facebook status during that time frame, I start to get a little annoyed.

    Again, I know that we have no obligation to each other because we're not a couple, but it's hard to not be a little offended to see that he has time to talk to people back in forth in the comments on his social media posts but he doesn't have time to answer my text that is worrying about his safety.

    Normally, I subscribe to the idea that if a man is interested in me and wants to talk to me, then he'll make time to do it, or find a way to do it if life is hectic, but I'm also well aware this is a completely different situation than what is "normal".

    AND FINALLY (I promise!), I'm finding it difficult to come up with interesting topics of conversation when I am able to talk to him. I've done some googling about this and most of the suggestions are geared toward couples that have a bit of history together, not to people that don't have a significant amount of time under their belt in terms of their relationship, and therefore the suggestions seem a bit inappropriate and a bit more intimate than where we're at.

    Thanks for hanging in through this long and somewhat rambling story - I appreciate any and all thoughts and advice!!!
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    #2
    It's possible that he could be trying to ghost you again. From personal experience, if someone wants to continue to talk to me but I don't want to talk to them, even as a friend, I would just stop responding over time and if I had them on social media and they saw me posting on there but not talking to them or responding to messages, that's where I would assume they would get the hint and just let it go.

    Of course you can't be for certain, but imo, it could be one of two things.
    1. He is starting to grow accustomed to talking to you and get romantic feelings for you very quickly but being that he's deployed, he doesn't want anything serious or is worried that you will get serious, then you could find someone else that is close by and just drop him.
    OR
    2. He is just getting uninterested and that't that.

    If I was you, I would stop reaching out after a few unanswered messages and let it go. If he messages you at some point in time later on down the line while he's deployed, it'll be up to you whether you want to respond again given the fact that he would've ghosted you twice at that point, in which I wouldn't want anything to do with him, but that's just me. Since like you said, y'all aren't dating nor do you have a lengthy history or past, it's probably best to just drop things and move on.
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    #3
    He doesn't seem worth your time or effort. Move on.
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
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    #4
    It seems like he's shown you repeatedly how little regard he has for you, how little he respects you, and how low you are on his list of priorities. Why would you want to continue investing time in someone like that?
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #5
    I think you're trying to force something that isn't there. You barely know this guy and I don't mean to be harsh or hurtful, but the fact that he ghosted and then suddenly reappeared immediately before a deployment he didn't even mention to you sounds like he was trying to get laid before he left. He could've kept talking to you because he was lonely and it's hard to be away in a new place. I'd quit wasting my time tbh. It's really not worth googling conversation topics, he's clearly not putting as much effort forth.
  6. Pour a little salt, we were never here
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    #6
    The first thing that stands out is, if he's replying to others, you know he's safe. You also know he has internet. He is choosing not to talk to you.
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    #7
    It seems like this kind of situation comes up a lot.

    I agree, walk away, he isn't that into you.

    Think of your female best friend/little sister being treated like this. If someone I loved was being treated that way, I would be angry.
    Why then, would you accept this for yourself?
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    #8
    My personal policy is not to invest time into people who won't invest time into me. Getting ghosted once is enough, and you deserve way better!
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    #9
    Stop texting him If he isn't answering you then stop texting. When he doesn't hear from you and still doesn't text first then you'll know he's not interested and you can move on to the next guy, who will hopefully be one that's worth the energy.


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    #10
    Thanks for the advice everyone! I was already pretty sure what the overwhelming response would be, and I was right - I just wasn't sure if this were something normal for guys that are deployed, seeing as how their work schedules aren't exactly 9-5s!

    While I was waiting for your responses, I stopped texting him. It took about a week, but he did end up texting me to say hello and asking if I was ok (I guess he took my semi-regular contact for granted!). We ended up talking for a couple of hours, which was nice, but I think I am going to continue to hold back from being the first to text for a while. While it's not in my nature to automatically assume the worst about people (which sometimes works against me, I know), I don't want to get hung up on somebody that's "just not that into me" by mistaking his disinterest for the "romance" of being in a relationship with a deployed soldier (don't worry, I know there's nothing actually romantic about it, I just mean the romanticized version of it that we're all fed from movies and tv).
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