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Thread: How do you know you're ready to settle?

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    #1

    How do you know you're ready to settle?

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    So, I've been struggling with figuring out whether or not I'm 100% completely invested in settling down with my boyfriend.

    We've been together for three and a half years (we're both civilians), we don't live together because we're both in school and work full time, which we wouldn't be super comfortable financially if we moved out of our current living situations. We've talked about our futures and have agreed on marriage in the future. I've been on board for the most part but the past year or so I've been having this anxiety that I haven't done what I've wanted to with my life and I want to figure it out before moving forward with him.

    I want to be independent, possibly moving out of the area I live in, which is no place special and I've been here for the past 23 years. But doing so right now would be a rash decision. I also have anxiety on whether or not I dated enough to make an educated decision on if he's the one. He's my second boyfriend (I'm 24, he's almost 30). I feel silly asking for advice but I'm at a loss and any friends I've brought this up to don't have groundbreaking advice.

    Nothing is wrong with our relationship. We're not abusive, we're supportive, and there's a lot of love. Maybe I'm just freaking out because the passion has worn off and we're more comfortable? He's a spectacular person and boyfriend, but I worry we're not compatible enough or I'm curious of what else is out there. I have no reason to not want to be with him but sometimes I wonder if I'm truly happy. Most of the time I'm happy and on board with our relationship. But when I start to question myself in this relationship (like I'm doing now) I get anxious and depressed thinking of what my life could be or if I could be happier elsewhere.

    Sorry so long! But any advice?
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    #2
    Do you both want the same future? Does he want to move? What is it that you want to do that you can't do with him by your side, other than date other guys?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Heisenberg View Post
    Do you both want the same future? Does he want to move? What is it that you want to do that you can't do with him by your side, other than date other guys?
    We have a very similar plan for the future but I guess I'm more willing to move in my more immediate future than he is. A part of me feels like I'm waiting for him.

    And it's the small things I want, like I wish he was into sports like I am so we could watch football together and go to games. He would do it to make me happy but wouldn't enjoy it. I'd like to do sports, dance, just physical hobbies but that's not what he's interested in. He doesn't hold me back from doing what I want, again he's supportive, but it's another thing we don't have in common. Not to say we don't have similar interests but I share more interests with him than he shares with me (if that made sense).
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    #4
    There's nothing wrong with waiting until you're more sure. I would see how you're feeling in a few months because this sounds like it could pass. Maybe express the things you want like watching sports together, he could still do it even though he doesn't enjoy it a lot. I go fishing with my husband several times a week but it definitely isn't my favorite.
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    #5
    I've known people who have been together 7, 8, 9 years, and they had plans to get married in the future, but things didn't workout, so I wouldn't base anything off the longevity of your relationship, especially being that you guys have been together for quite a while.

    Have you been open and honest with him about how you're feeling? I say that's probably the first step in all of this. This could definitely just be a temporary feeling, but if you do something against what your gut instinct is telling you to, as in, if you get married sooner than later, but you know you should wait and don't, that could possibly create resentment later on and things may not pan out well for your relationship.

    You should definitely take your time and re-evaluate what you want out of life as an individual as well as what you want as far as your relationship goes.
    And talk to your boyfriend about things as well, he very well could be feeling similar feelings and just not expressing them to you.

    Number one thing I have learned as far as relationships are concerned is, I can't make the other person happy if I can't make myself happy.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Kirst View Post
    We have a very similar plan for the future but I guess I'm more willing to move in my more immediate future than he is. A part of me feels like I'm waiting for him.

    And it's the small things I want, like I wish he was into sports like I am so we could watch football together and go to games. He would do it to make me happy but wouldn't enjoy it. I'd like to do sports, dance, just physical hobbies but that's not what he's interested in. He doesn't hold me back from doing what I want, again he's supportive, but it's another thing we don't have in common. Not to say we don't have similar interests but I share more interests with him than he shares with me (if that made sense).
    I can definitely understand that. Like he ticks all the boxes on paper but you need someone to get excited with. Idk what to tell you this isn't the first time you've posted about being bored or otherwise discontent in your relationship so maybe this is valid. Sometimes there's nothing actually "wrong" but the relationship has run its course.
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    #7
    If you consider it settling, I wouldn't do it
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    Quote Originally Posted by Heisenberg View Post
    I can definitely understand that. Like he ticks all the boxes on paper but you need someone to get excited with. Idk what to tell you this isn't the first time you've posted about being bored or otherwise discontent in your relationship so maybe this is valid. Sometimes there's nothing actually "wrong" but the relationship has run its course.
    That describes my issue perfectly. I'm not angry with him at all, no current issues or anything but it's all me. It's my wants out of life and a relationship that are clouding my judgment for this relationship and I legit don't know what to do. And MY GOD does it bother me that I've complained about my relationship before. This is not the first time I've felt this way but I feel almost like my feelings are illegitimate. Like I shouldn't feel this way because he's a great person.

    Quote Originally Posted by Figgychick View Post
    I've known people who have been together 7, 8, 9 years, and they had plans to get married in the future, but things didn't workout, so I wouldn't base anything off the longevity of your relationship, especially being that you guys have been together for quite a while.

    Have you been open and honest with him about how you're feeling? I say that's probably the first step in all of this. This could definitely just be a temporary feeling, but if you do something against what your gut instinct is telling you to, as in, if you get married sooner than later, but you know you should wait and don't, that could possibly create resentment later on and things may not pan out well for your relationship.

    You should definitely take your time and re-evaluate what you want out of life as an individual as well as what you want as far as your relationship goes.
    And talk to your boyfriend about things as well, he very well could be feeling similar feelings and just not expressing them to you.

    Number one thing I have learned as far as relationships are concerned is, I can't make the other person happy if I can't make myself happy.
    Bolded, not quite. We've both had ups and downs where we expressed we were unhappy at certain points in our relationship but we were able to overcome them. But I do think that he fears me leaving. Whenever I'm feeling depressed (I have an anxiety disorder so I'm easily depressed) I notice he tries extra hard to compensate and do things to make me feel better. But I don't tell him that I'm depressed because I'm unsure about us. I don't always know what's contributing to my feelings but I took some time to think about it today and I think it's my expectations for my life and feeling like I may not be able to achieve that with him is the cause of it. It's shitty to have come to this conclusion.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sabrina22LE View Post
    There's nothing wrong with waiting until you're more sure. I would see how you're feeling in a few months because this sounds like it could pass. Maybe express the things you want like watching sports together, he could still do it even though he doesn't enjoy it a lot. I go fishing with my husband several times a week but it definitely isn't my favorite.
    We're definitely waiting regardless because of school and work but the insecurity is still there. And I know that couples always have to do things for each other even if they aren't 100% enjoying it but there's not a whole lot I can think of that I offer him he actually enjoys, although he'll do it for me. That alone bothers me though. I want two people to wholeheartedly enjoy most things together.
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    #9
    You mention sports and physical hobbies and his willingness to participate... but has he? More than once? It might not be an interest but he might grow to enjoy these things if he experiences them. For example, I always hated basketball. It was so boring to me, but DH likes it. After being around when he was watching games I've grown more interest in the sport.

    If this isn't the first time you've had doubts they could be valid since they keep coming back, but I definitely think you should speak with him about it. It's a rough subject to talk about because what if it crushes him? But what if he also has reservations? You both deserve to be on the same page.
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    #10
    IMHO, if you have doubts then you're not ready or the relationship isn't ready. Marriage is a big step and divorce isn't something to be taken lightly. I would definitely look into a pre-marriage class. Or some type of counseling. Someone from the outside can help you look inside the relationship and direct any repairs or changes that should be made before marriage. Either way, hope you find happiness!
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