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Thread: He's being deployed, won't talk to me

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    He's being deployed, won't talk to me

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    Hey everyone...I'm new here and I hope I'm posting in the right section.

    I feel a little silly because this man isn't even my boyfriend, however, we had been speaking on an intimate level and have made it aware we have feelings for one another.

    Long story short, he's in the navy, was stationed near me for submarine school. We briefly went out a couple times, made an amazing connection, lots in common, but as things started to get good, of course he got his orders and is now stationed thousands of miles away from me. As goodbye time approached, he backed off a little. We didn't talk for a while, but reconnected and not too long after he settled into his new station. We started talking every day, both friendly and intimately (if you catch my drift). Made plans to visit one another. He also made it clear there were feelings there, although he wasn't looking for a commitment at the very moment due to the possibility of deployment, but still wanted to talk and visit and see how things pan out, which I was on the same page on! We chatted and got to know each other, and made feelings clear.

    One day, things got weird. I didn't hear from him, so I contacted him and his reply was very cold, almost snappy. I waited a couple days and texted him, as I wanted to see if he even wanted to see me still, and he told me that he was being deployed in the next week. I asked him if that's why he was being weird, and he yes, and that he was really nervous and such about what was to come.

    It still didn't really answer kinda where I stood in the equation, so I point blank asked him if he was no longer interested and he told me that wasn't the case and he still enjoyed talking to me, but the conversations don't always have to be sexual (which they tend to be during the PM hours lol) and that he was looking for a friend to talk to as well.

    A couple days passed, still nothing from him. I texted him again asking him how he was, and he mentioned prepping for deployment and whatnot. I tried to be a little intimate, and got basically nothing back in return. So I revisited the topic, and I told him I felt undesirable at that point. Again, he denied it and said he's just been busy the past few days.

    All the while, I still haven't heard from him at all unless I initiate it. If I text him in a friendly manner, he'll respond pleasantly but the conversation stays pretty short. If I text him in any sort of intimate manner, I get nothing.

    So I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place...if it's the deployment causing this, that's one thing, if it's not, then I don't want to look stupid and keep pushing. He isn't my boyfriend, and I have zero expectations, but doesn't change that I like him as a person and I am extremely attracted to him and would like to keep things going if he does.

    I've never been in a military situation before and I also hope that I don't sound extremely selfish, I'm so new to this.
    any help would be awesome. thanks everyone
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    #2
    How short notice was his deployment? It's entirely possible that he is really very very busy prepping if they only found out last minute. He is also probably very stressed and doesn't want to deal with putting a lot of effort into something that isn't even a relationship. Based on his actions right now it seems like he isn't interested in anything romantic at the moment. He has a lot on his plate and it takes a lot of work to maintain a romantic relationship during deployment. If you want to keep up contact with him I would keep it friendly and supportive and mostly on his terms (see if he contacts you) until you see a clear indication that he's ready to resume any sort of intimacy or initiates it himself. Alternatively, just move on. Waiting around for someone who has made no commitment to you and currently isn't even showing interest may be a waste of your time, particularly through a deployment, which is difficult on even strong relationships. I don't know how long you've been talking but it seems that him not wanting to enter a relationship in the first place is a pretty clear indicator of where he stands.
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    #3
    So he told you he wasn't looking for a commitment and then you keep asking for regular contact and a title. Then he tells you he doesn't want the interaction to always be sexual and you promptly try to take it there. It sounds like you aren't listening to him at all. I would stop being so pushy. He is stressed out, you are not his girlfriend, and he has no obligation to talk to you all the time. If you want commitment and "intimacy" you might want to look elsewhere.
  4. we were all rooting for you
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    #4
    Anybody else getting deja vu?
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    I also missed the part about him specifically asking for non-sexual conversation. If the genders weee switched and you told a guy you just wanted to talk like friends but he kept trying to get sexual you would probably think that was downright creepy. It sounds like he's pretty clearly told you he's just looking for a friend right now.
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    #6
    alright, well now I definitely feel like a jerk
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by kt_bug View Post
    How short notice was his deployment? It's entirely possible that he is really very very busy prepping if they only found out last minute. He is also probably very stressed and doesn't want to deal with putting a lot of effort into something that isn't even a relationship. Based on his actions right now it seems like he isn't interested in anything romantic at the moment. He has a lot on his plate and it takes a lot of work to maintain a romantic relationship during deployment. If you want to keep up contact with him I would keep it friendly and supportive and mostly on his terms (see if he contacts you) until you see a clear indication that he's ready to resume any sort of intimacy or initiates it himself. Alternatively, just move on. Waiting around for someone who has made no commitment to you and currently isn't even showing interest may be a waste of your time, particularly through a deployment, which is difficult on even strong relationships. I don't know how long you've been talking but it seems that him not wanting to enter a relationship in the first place is a pretty clear indicator of where he stands.
    Yeah, he found out last minute. he wasn't anticipating being shipped off this soon, I was planning on going out to see him this month and it was almost all set.
  8. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by thesweetestthing View Post
    Yeah, he found out last minute. he wasn't anticipating being shipped off this soon, I was planning on going out to see him this month and it was almost all set.
    I have nothing to add because the above statements cover it, but is it an actual deployment or is it an underway? From what I know deployments on subs are usually pretty standard rotation, where as underways can have very little notice.
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    Quote Originally Posted by EverlastingLove View Post
    I have nothing to add because the above statements cover it, but is it an actual deployment or is it an underway? From what I know deployments on subs are usually pretty standard rotation, where as underways can have very little notice.
    He referred to it as deployment. Hmmm...I'm honestly not sure.
  10. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by thesweetestthing View Post
    He referred to it as deployment. Hmmm...I'm honestly not sure.
    It very well could be a deployment. It's not impossible, especially with everything going on in the world. There are a lot of people who mix up deployments with underways/TDY/etc. but for your own sanity there is a difference.
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