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Thread: Is the distance worth it?

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    sawhnita's Avatar
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    #1

    Is the distance worth it?

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    So basically I'm a hopeless romantic who loves hard and so for me, I would do anything to be with my army boyfriend forever. However, I also have pretty bad anxiety/depression and don't handle being away from him well. I've only known my boyfriend for 4 months and we love each other but he leaves for JRTC for a month and a half, back for 2 weeks, an army school for 3 months, and then probably deployment.

    The hopeless romantic love-stricken me wants to wait and that's what I'll probably do but AM I BEING STUPID? Is this something normal that other military SOs do?

    I was watching a youtube video where the army wives said unless you are engaged the odds are that it won't work and it's probably a waste of time and so I found that super discouraging. I also saw another one where the Youtuber actually ended up committing suicide and it may have been related to her difficulty handling the long-distance with her military husband.

    Thank you in advance! Any help would be super appreciated <3
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    #2
    Im not entirely sure I understand what you're asking. Yes, all military SOs wait for their loved one at one time or another (or at least those who stay military SOs do). That's one of only two guarantees in military relationships: you will be apart from and have to wait for them, and everything will change all the time. There are women on here who have waited for their SOs through basic, schools, field problems, countless trainings, and multiple deployments. All of them decided that it was worth it. So to answer one question, yes waiting is something normal that other military SOs do.

    As for whether it's worth it, you have to figure that out for yourself. If going through this is going to be too taxing on your mental health, you may need to put yourself first. You also need to consider that this is a very young relationship at 4 months and that much distance with little communication this early on is going to put a big strain on your relationship. I always tell DB that I would be way more miserable without him at all than I am having to go through all of this with him so for me it's worth it. Then again, I also have the light at the end of the tunnel that he is ETSing in 6 months and we will be together. As a side note, I also have anxiety and I understand how difficult it makes things so let me know if you ever need to talk.

    Also, please don't get engaged/married because a YouTuber said you should. It won't fix any problems that you may have and if you're already that committed a ring won't change anything.
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    #3
    Many many military wives started out as military girlfriends, so many of us waited even though we didn't yet have a ring. You go from asking if you should even bother waiting to talking about increasing your chances by getting engaged. If you don't even know if you're willing to wait for him then DO NOT get married. These Youtubers sound very immature. Waiting is absolutely normal, but you have to decide for yourself if it's worth it. When my husband(boyfriend at the time) enlisted I knew without a doubt that I would wait for him. Before you jump into marriage just remember that even when you're married there will be times he'll go away without you and you'll have to wait, so that would still affect your anxiety. I have anxiety too, as do many people I know, and it can be dangerous to build such a strong dependency on someone. I would start trying to strengthen your independence and maybe seek out therapy or try to learn your triggers.
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    #4
    "I would do anything to be with my army boyfriend forever."

    Then wait for him.
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    #5
    For me, yes the distance is worth it and very normal I'm another one with anxiety and while I don't enjoy being away from my fiance and it's difficult being alone. I try to remember that he's working to make sure we are provided for. So if that means we have to be apart then for myself it means I gotta just deal with it. I lean alot on my best friend ( I have no idea what I would do without him), and my cats, but even more on my therapist when my fiance and I are apart. If you decide do this you'll really need a good support system and coping methods. I'm also happy to talk to you too if you need it
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    #6
    Its not stupid to wait on someone you love. I have waited and I couldn't be happier. We have been dating longer long distance than dating in the same area. Prior to him moving we sat down and had a conversation about where we wanted things to go and how things are going to work as far as visiting/communication. We wanted to be on the same page with realistic expectations. I honestly think it has made me love him even more...We got engaged after 5 months and will be married this year (never living together) and then he will be deployed shortly after and I won't move in with him until next year sometime. Has the distance been hard? Yes. Has it been worth it? absolutely. Just stay positive and work on yourself while he's away.
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    #7
    Youtube is not a wealth of great relationship advice.

    If you ever feel suicidal, please seek help. I don't think the military relationships cause suicidal feelings, I do think when you feel that way, a lot of different things can be the lasht straw. You need a good support group.

    If you have to ask if it's worth it, I don't know. Ask yourself that, not us. For me, waiting for my then boyfriend to do five years active duty, three of which were in Japan (I got to see him ONCE in that time) and the last of which we were on separate coasts, it was absolutely worth it, one marriage and 3.5 kids later.

    Where do these engaged couples and married couples come from? It has to start the somewhere. There are a ton of military girlfriends, some will become wives, some won't. Just like every relationship, some work out, some don't.
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    #8
    It can be, but sometimes it isn't and some people aren't cut out for it. And that's ok.
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    #9
    I'm waiting and I'm not engaged yet. At 4 months maybe not but when you know you know. Your experience will be different from others so you can't compare to a YouTube video
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    #10

    someone said

    A friend of mine told me that when she asked her Mom that question the reply was "if you have to ask, the answer is no". (Her Father was in the military.)
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