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Thread: He's home, but we've drifted...

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    #1

    He's home, but we've drifted...

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    Hey all, this is my first time posting on here, not sure what to do right now, just looking for some clarity and perspective.
    Back story: My boyfriend and I come from the same town, we vaguely knew each other in high school (he's 3 years older) but we didn't actually start talking until I was in college and he was a year into his first term in the Marine Corp. We began chatting on Facebook, we instantly connected and talked every night for a few months after that until one day he came home to visit his parents and to see me. We started dating from there and 2 months into the relationship he got deployed. His deployment lasted 9 months, and since our relationship was still new, our communication drastically changed from when we first started talking, which was hard given the lack of good communication during deployment. Overall, it was hard, but we made it.
    Fast forward, we've now been together almost 3 years. After his deployment we alternated trips to see each other, but towards the end of his 4 year term, he just got more and more distant. Little things irritated both of us but we stuck it out.
    He actually came home in January and has been on inactive reserve since then. He took a couple months off and began a new job a few weeks ago. Given that we only live a few streets away (he moved back with his parents, and I live with mine) we have been seeing each other almost every day.
    However, we have been irritating each other more and more, starting stupid fights and what not. We usually fix things right away, although he's terrible at communicating anything and avoids our problems. I'm usually the one to initiate any talk about our problems, and our last fight, after I tried to text him throughout the day to try to fix things or meet up to talk, he ignored all my calls and texts the whole day. When he finally responded, he said he needed space. He said he didn't want to break up, but that we needed time apart.
    I respected his choice, but told him that when he's ready he knows where to find me, I told him the decision for us to continue was up to him, so I'd leave him alone till he's ready to talk. It's only been about 3 days, I know it might be weeks till he reaches out, but I'm already losing my mind, thinking maybe he won't come back. I don't know how he could just cut off contact like that after everything we've gone through. I feel like he doesn't fight for what we have, and it scares me. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to react if he does come back, cus I'm hurt and just feel like if he really loved me we could have fixed things face to face but instead he walked away.
    I still love him, we just have two completely different perspectives on how to handle relationships, and I don't know what he's going to do.
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    #2
    It's hard to go from long distance to physically together. It's also a difficult transition for him.
    It is a test of the relationship, it's a blessing and a curse because a lot of people go off and get married and never really have any rough water, and when they do, they sink. It's a tough situation, I hope it results in what is best for both of you. He might just need some time to get used to going back to civilian life.
    Goodluck girl
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    I would suggest you give him the space he asked for. Let him figure it out on his own. I know it's hard leaving things up in the air (trust me, I'm like this too!) but if you try to pressure him, you're going to drive him away for sure. In the mean time focus on yourself! Find a hobby or pick up a book to pass the time. Focus on you instead of waiting for him to come back. It might be a very liberating experience and you may actually gain some insight into whether you want to stay in the relationship yourself. if you really have a problem with the way he is handling the situation, it might be a good idea to ask yourself whether you can live with thay or if it's a deal breaker for you. When he's ready to talk listen to him and if you decide to stay together explain to him what kind of communication & effort you expect from him. If he's able to commit to that, great. If he's not, then again ask yourself if you can look past it and stay in the relationship or if it's time to walk away. Over everything, do what's best for you!
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    I think it's important that you respect his request for space but I don't know that it's fair that you're leaving the ball completely in his court. It sounds, from your OP, like you have some genuine concerns about communication between the two of you and about how the relationship will continue from here on out. I also don't know that it's fair he just said he needs space without giving you some sort of timeline, (ie "I need a few days" or "I need a few weeks") My best advice would be for both of you to sit down and have what my DH and I call a "come to Jesus" talk about how your relationship will move forward. I'm not saying that you need to plan out every aspect of your future lives but talk about how to better handle the transition from LDR to in person (how often is realistic to see each other? How many times a day is reasonable to talk without anyone feeling overwhelmed) and about communication when you do have small arguments. My DH and I have a deal that if we get into an argument and it's going in circles that we will both walk away for an hour or so, calm down, then circle back in a calm manner and settle the issue without a fight.

    I think it's important to note that every relationship has highs and lows and it doesn't sound like anything in your relationship can't be fixed, you're both going through a transition right now and I would think it's probably normal for there to be some conflict in this time. I hope that after a little space to clear his head you both can sit down and talk this through and get back on track.

    to the board and you might want to introduce yourself in the Newbies thread and read the TOS so you know all the rules of the forum


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    #5
    While respecting his wishes is the right thing to do, it's not acceptable for him to just leave you hanging, either. I would wait about a week, then message him again and ask if he's ready to talk. If not, I would feel like I would need to break up, because I'm not just going to sit around and be obligated to a man who can't even bring himself to speak with me. In a way, not being able to decide what he wants is absolutely a very clear decision--you aren't that important to him. So I'd give him a week or so to think things through, and then I would need an answer--either he's in this thing and ready to work things out, or he isn't all that concerned with losing me, in which case I am going to go out on the world and find someone who is willing to fight for me, not someone who is indifferent about having me in his life.

    I'm sorry.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
  6. Pri
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    #6
    I went through this situation transitioning to an LDR. Demand an answer for some sort of clarity. The uncertainty is devastating. DB said he wanted a month to "be single and just do him." It was hell for 2 months. They need to know we are not always waiting for them. For now go out and find your happiness Easier said than done but definitely worth a try.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by LuciR View Post
    I would suggest you give him the space he asked for. Let him figure it out on his own. I know it's hard leaving things up in the air (trust me, I'm like this too!) but if you try to pressure him, you're going to drive him away for sure. In the mean time focus on yourself! Find a hobby or pick up a book to pass the time. Focus on you instead of waiting for him to come back. It might be a very liberating experience and you may actually gain some insight into whether you want to stay in the relationship yourself. if you really have a problem with the way he is handling the situation, it might be a good idea to ask yourself whether you can live with thay or if it's a deal breaker for you. When he's ready to talk listen to him and if you decide to stay together explain to him what kind of communication & effort you expect from him. If he's able to commit to that, great. If he's not, then again ask yourself if you can look past it and stay in the relationship or if it's time to walk away. Over everything, do what's best for you!
    Absolutely agree with this one. I know it's HELL to have it up in the air. But sounds like you need some time to think on it and sort it out too. Just really think hard on it, write in a journal, even a pros and cons list if you have to. Then I would say you need that talk soon, don't let it drag on forever.

    From my experience, when they come home sometimes they just need space. They have been around other Marines constantly with no time to themselves, and may feel totally smothered and even begin to doubt all aspects of their life. When DH was my DB, I noticed it was sometimes hard to adjust to the transition of being home, then I realized this is a VERY common and normal aspect of military relationships and being away for long periods of time. In the beginning, mine even thought he wanted to be single and possibly date other girls during a 5 week training away, then snapped out of it. It happens.

    It's also really hard when they get out and have to transition to civilian life and figure out what to do with themselves. My DH panics whenever he thinks of getting out of the Marine Corps. That is why he decided to reenlist, which was a huge issue we worked through.

    Part of being a military SO is having unbelievable patience and understanding. So try your best. At the same time, you're a person with needs and emotions so just don't let it ALL be about him. It has to be balanced where you are patient and understanding, but also ensuring your needs are met and that you're not being stringed along unnecessarily.

    Good luck hun. I hope it works out. Maybe he just needs time to realize what he has and he'll do the right thing. But if not, then it's not meant to be and there's something better for you. Hang in there.

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