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Thread: HELP! Marriage Trouble

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    #1

    Sad HELP! Marriage Trouble

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    So my husband and I got married fairly quick. I sorta always knew he might cheat on me but I really didn't think it would happen. I trusted him so much. Until I found a dating app on his phone. I suspected something was up when he started to change his lock password to his phone everytime i would ask what it was. So one night when he was asleep and it was late I just got the baby to sleep, I grabbed his phone and took a look through it and I found it in a games folder. My heart sank like the titanic. I was and still am so heart broken over it. I went through the app and read all the messages saying "you're so beautiful" and here's my snapchat, to one women it was here's my number, some were looking for you know whowho and haha, you know? I was completely torn apart, I couldn't breath. I put his phone back and ran downstairs and just cried and cried for hours, I couldn't get into bed with him. I was up all night spot cleaning the house just so i wouldn't have to see him. Next morning I asked him if our marriage was a joke to him? did he take it seriously? he answered that he took it seriously and I asked him how girls had he been talking to? told him I saw the app and how i felt. of course he said he was sorry and his excuse of having was cause it was a joke at work because they were bored, ( 8 out 10 of his friends i know, are single) why was he the one that had it and not one of his single friends if it was a joke? I told him to deactivate it and whole 9 yards. that was a few months ago and ive worried hes doing it again atleast a thousand times. and tonight i get on the computer and his email is right there and i said why not, there's probably nothing so i looked around then looked at the social tab... well there it is emails from another dating app. I just dont know what to do. Confront him about finding it in his emails? im so lost.
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    #2
    Not that it matters much, but did you ever find evidence that he followed through and ever met any of these women in person?
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleMsSunshine View Post
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    #3
    no proof but he could have for all i know. he was working night shift so he left dinner time and wasnt home until morning and i wouldn't know if he did anything on his breaks or not.
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    #4
    To me, you have the information you need. No, this wasn't a joke with friends (and even if it was, that means being funny with friends was more important than respecting his wife and marriage). You addressed it, and he's still doing it, so clearly, he has no intention of changing. So at this point, getting him to stop is no longer really on the table. You now have to decide what you are willing to tolerate in your marriage, and act accordingly. If you stay, he will likely be this way for the rest of your life. If you can't accept that, you need to start preparing yourself to be single, and then take action. If, when you tell him you are leaving, he vows to change, remember that he said that before. At a bare minimum, I would insist that he attend counseling for me for a year (no quitting early) and that he provide all email and other accounts to me, along with passwords. At this point, you've earned the right to be distrustful. You don't have that right forever, but you do for a while, and if he can't accept that, then he clearly isn't sorry or committed to making it up to you and regaining your trust.

    Im sorry.
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    #5
    Did he delete the app or completely deactivate his account? If he didn't deactivate the account the emails could be from that. Regardless I would be very upset. A relationship needs trust, so if you do decide to stay with him I would see a marriage counselor and try to rebuild that trust. It's not impossible to do, but if you don't want to be with him anymore that is totally understandable also.
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    #6
    I think it's time to make a plan for yourself and expect the marriage to not work out. If something clicks in him and you decide it's worth it, well at least you've already figured yourself out which will make you happier anyway. You don't have to make the decision now, but I highly suggest preparing for it. You can make the decision months down the road when you are ready to take care of yourself.
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    #7
    I'm not saying this goes for everyone and every relationship by any means, but odds are if he did it once and you let your guard down and trusted him right away again and then he did it again, it will just continue to happen. It's obvious he doesn't respect you or your marriage. Whatever his reasons may be for doing it, doesn't make it okay. Whether he has or has not met up with any of these women, still doesn't make it okay. I know things can tend to be a lot more complicated when a child is involved, but you also have to look out for not only the well being of your child, but for yourself as well.

    Not saying you have to jump to separation and divorce right away, I would just because I can't handle that and wouldn't be able to trust after that, but that's my personal opinion. If you still want your marriage to work, I suggest going to a marriage counselor and go from there. See if trust can be re-built and see if his actions change. If not, after going to counseling MULTIPLE times, not just a one and done type thing, but after trying it out for a bit, decide if things are getting better. If not, the answer will be pretty clear that he has no intentions of changing and that he doesn't take the marriage seriously at all.

    I really am sorry OP, it's an unfortunate situation, but you have to look out for yourself, and regardless of whether he is going to respect you & your marriage or not, YOU still need to respect YOURSELF.
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    #8
    Be careful, because he could come back at you for snooping through his stuff. I am not condoning his behavior, I am only saying be prepared for the backlash of snooping through his private things. You do not trust him, and maybe never have. A marriage will almost never survive if there is not trust.

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by ArmyWife0912 View Post
    So my husband and I got married fairly quick. I sorta always knew he might cheat on me but I really didn't think it would happen. I trusted him so much. Until I found a dating app on his phone. I suspected something was up when he started to change his lock password to his phone everytime i would ask what it was. So one night when he was asleep and it was late I just got the baby to sleep, I grabbed his phone and took a look through it and I found it in a games folder. My heart sank like the titanic. I was and still am so heart broken over it. I went through the app and read all the messages saying "you're so beautiful" and here's my snapchat, to one women it was here's my number, some were looking for you know whowho and haha, you know? I was completely torn apart, I couldn't breath. I put his phone back and ran downstairs and just cried and cried for hours, I couldn't get into bed with him. I was up all night spot cleaning the house just so i wouldn't have to see him. Next morning I asked him if our marriage was a joke to him? did he take it seriously? he answered that he took it seriously and I asked him how girls had he been talking to? told him I saw the app and how i felt. of course he said he was sorry and his excuse of having was cause it was a joke at work because they were bored, ( 8 out 10 of his friends i know, are single) why was he the one that had it and not one of his single friends if it was a joke? I told him to deactivate it and whole 9 yards. that was a few months ago and ive worried hes doing it again atleast a thousand times. and tonight i get on the computer and his email is right there and i said why not, there's probably nothing so i looked around then looked at the social tab... well there it is emails from another dating app. I just dont know what to do. Confront him about finding it in his emails? im so lost.
    Why would you marry someone that you "knew might cheat" on you? If that was your expectation, I don't understand why you have an issue with your reality. Maybe it's time to walk away.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Sally View Post
    Why would you marry someone that you "knew might cheat" on you? If that was your expectation, I don't understand why you have an issue with your reality. Maybe it's time to walk away.
    Welcome back? Don't remember seeing your sn in ages!
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleMsSunshine View Post
    I think it's really funny when people come on here, and automatically assume that everyone here is a gung-ho, hoo-rah, i-bleed-red-white-and-blue, kiss-my-military-ass, people-in-uniform-can-do-no-wrong, and i'm-entitled-to-everything bitch.
    "RIP Blackie, and Whitey, New Whitey. Goodbye Poopers and Momma Beige and Lady Grey. New Blackie and the Whitey Sisters rule the roost now!"
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