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Thread: A question on communication

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    #1

    A question on communication

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    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months and have been friends for years before then.
    He is leaving tomorrow and today he got upset with me. He had told me that he wouldn't get a chance to call today so I went about my regular business, not expecting to make time to talk to him on the phone. When I got out of the shower I had a missed call from him and immediately called him back. He didn't answer. I sent him a message asking if he had called and again no message. A while later I asked at around what time he would be leaving tomorrow. For an hour he was online on Facebook and never even opened my messages.
    I know that tensions are probably high with him right now and any little thing can seem huge. Specially with him. He gets upset easily and I know that. Usually I know to just leave him alone and wait for him to cool down on his own. At that point we can have a meaningful conversation over what happened.
    The problem with today is that he's leaving soon and I have no idea when or if we'll get a chance to work things out. That's why I was so adamant to get a repones from him. In the end I sent him this final message: "I hope you read this message bc I feel that I need to communicate how I feel. I'm sorry that I missed your call and I'm sorry if that made you upset. Right now it feels like you're mad and you're ignoring me. Maybe that's not what you're doing at all. In fact, I know you're not childish like that and wouldn't stoop so low, but I just feel like you're upset. If we're going to have a good relationship and communication I have to let you know how your actions make me feel and give you a chance to explain without either of us getting angry or upset.
    Please don't be angry at my message, I'm not trying to be pushy it's just that I'm simply worried because you leave tomorrow and it's not like we can just talk this out later bc we don't know when that later might be. I don't want to start a day on separate continents without knowing that we're both ok!!"
    After sending it, I wasn't so sure that it had been the best idea. Did I just make things worse? I'm asking this here because I know communication suffers in times like these. What if he leaves without even calling to say goodbye?
    I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to date him and specially long distance and I always try to be supportive and understanding of what he does. But this time all I did was miss one phone call. How can I fix this?
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    #2
    To be honest, if he acts like this after only missing one phone call, you guys are going to have a REALLY rough time long distance.

    What if he leaves without saying goodbye? If my boyfriend left without saying goodbye to me after something so silly, he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore....
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Allybeth View Post
    To be honest, if he acts like this after only missing one phone call, you guys are going to have a REALLY rough time long distance.

    What if he leaves without saying goodbye? If my boyfriend left without saying goodbye to me after something so silly, he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore....
    This.
    Also, I wouldn't read too much into him being online on facebook, if it's on his phone like mine is, it says I'm online all the time when I'm really not
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    #4
    Long distance is TOUGH... there has a to be a lot of understanding on both sides because yes, there will be missed calls. You can't stop living your life while he is gone nor should he expect you to.

    I agree with the FB thing - often times it will show a user being on line when really the are not. Don't read too much into this.

    You did what you could to try and reach out to him - ball is in his court now.
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    I do not feel like you did anything wrong. You took a shower and missed a call. I think during every deployment I ended up missing a call from my SO. I had my phone attached to me for 90% of the time. But sometimes it happens, and you feel horrible when it does. However, there is only so much you can do. And you seem to be very supportive of him, so I would not blame yourself or feel like you are the one who needs to fix anything. You called right back, and did everything you could. I think him getting upset is childish in my opinion. Especially if he made it clear that he was not going to get a chance to call you. I used to worry and overthink if my SO was mad or upset. Usually he would just get very busy and call back when he could. I know it's hard not to worry, especially before they are leaving.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Soarid View Post
    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months and have been friends for years before then.
    He is leaving tomorrow and today he got upset with me. He had told me that he wouldn't get a chance to call today so I went about my regular business, not expecting to make time to talk to him on the phone. When I got out of the shower I had a missed call from him and immediately called him back. He didn't answer. I sent him a message asking if he had called and again no message. A while later I asked at around what time he would be leaving tomorrow. For an hour he was online on Facebook and never even opened my messages.
    I know that tensions are probably high with him right now and any little thing can seem huge. Specially with him. He gets upset easily and I know that. Usually I know to just leave him alone and wait for him to cool down on his own. At that point we can have a meaningful conversation over what happened.
    The problem with today is that he's leaving soon and I have no idea when or if we'll get a chance to work things out. That's why I was so adamant to get a repones from him. In the end I sent him this final message: "I hope you read this message bc I feel that I need to communicate how I feel. I'm sorry that I missed your call and I'm sorry if that made you upset. Right now it feels like you're mad and you're ignoring me. Maybe that's not what you're doing at all. In fact, I know you're not childish like that and wouldn't stoop so low, but I just feel like you're upset. If we're going to have a good relationship and communication I have to let you know how your actions make me feel and give you a chance to explain without either of us getting angry or upset.
    Please don't be angry at my message, I'm not trying to be pushy it's just that I'm simply worried because you leave tomorrow and it's not like we can just talk this out later bc we don't know when that later might be. I don't want to start a day on separate continents without knowing that we're both ok!!"
    After sending it, I wasn't so sure that it had been the best idea. Did I just make things worse? I'm asking this here because I know communication suffers in times like these. What if he leaves without even calling to say goodbye?
    I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to date him and specially long distance and I always try to be supportive and understanding of what he does. But this time all I did was miss one phone call. How can I fix this?
    First bolded, no, you expressed your feelings. Second bolded, then he is a jerk and you can do so much better. Third, you have done nothingwrong.

    That being said, he may have just gotten busy, and not seen your response. You haven't actually talked to him, right? Why do you automatically jump to worse case scenario? Has he ignored you in the past for petty things? It doesn't seem like a healthy dynamic if you are so worried and upset for just missing his call and immediately think he is ignoring you. I've called people then just started doing something else, and missed their call back. Not purposefully ignoring them etc, but I think the fact that you assume he is angry and ignoring you speaks volume. It's not healthy. I don't mean to stir the pot, but I think there are much bigger issues that just a missed phone call here.
  7. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by CDNTrish View Post
    First bolded, no, you expressed your feelings. Second bolded, then he is a jerk and you can do so much better. Third, you have done nothingwrong.

    That being said, he may have just gotten busy, and not seen your response. You haven't actually talked to him, right? Why do you automatically jump to worse case scenario? Has he ignored you in the past for petty things? It doesn't seem like a healthy dynamic if you are so worried and upset for just missing his call and immediately think he is ignoring you. I've called people then just started doing something else, and missed their call back. Not purposefully ignoring them etc, but I think the fact that you assume he is angry and ignoring you speaks volume. It's not healthy. I don't mean to stir the pot, but I think there are much bigger issues that just a missed phone call here.
    This is where I'm at. Maybe I'm missing something but how is he doing anything wrong?The only thing I see that possibly shows him being a jerk is "he was upset with me today" but there's no more details. I guess if we take the FB thing at face value then he was ignoring her, but as we all know FB's "this person is online" thing is notoriously inaccurate.

    Her SO told her he wouldn't get to call her today, so he knows his communication is limited. She missed a call; maybe he got to sneak one in or something happened where he had a little bit of free time, but if he set the expectation that he couldn't make calls at all I don't think it's so weird that he wasn't able to get back to her. Depending on what exactly he is doing he may not have time or access to call. I'm with Trish I think it just seems like a big leap to decide that he must be doing it on purpose.

    One thing that seems odd though; if he is leaving the next day and had a chance to tell you about it, and also knew that he couldn't call for the rest of the day, would he not say goodbye then? That part I don't get, that seems like it would be the time to do it.
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    #8
    Just like PP's stated, he seems like a jerk for being upset with you for not answering a phone call when he told you that he wouldn't be able to contact you. In no way is that your fault, because you dint expect it. and like Tojai said, why would he not say goodbye when he told you he was leaving the following day and wasn't going to be able to contact you the rest of the day? Something doesn't add up.

    I know six months seems like a lot of time invested, but in all reality, it's not. Long distance is hard, especially if you don't have a solid relationship with a good foundation. It seems you guys don't. I agree with Trish, it sounds like there are a lot of underlying issues which is turning something as small as a missed phone call, into something much bigger. Speaking from experience, ignoring the bigger issues because they're not present at time will only turn things to turmoil and create resentment and hard and hurt feelings over time. If he's going to be gone with no contact how can you fix the relationship? You can't.

    It's probably best that you both just cut your losses and split before more time and emotions and feelings get invested into what sounds like an unhealthy relationship.
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    #9
    I told my husband if he calls and I miss the call its not cause I am ignoring you....its cause I didn't get to the phone on time or I just couldn't take the call. When he was deployed I would let him know my work days and try to work with my office that if I get a phone call please give me some time to take the call (I had bosses who were very clued in to this lifestyle since one of them was an army brat) I would say I am sorry but I won't stop living my life because of you. Which is true. 1. don't keep apologizing. You did nothing wrong. You prepared yourself you wouldn't hear from him and again you were in the shower. 2. He can be angry all he wants but to have you sit by the phone 24/7 will not work....its not healthy.

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