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Thread: Personality differences

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    #1

    Personality differences

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    Hey all, just looking for some feedback on how to handle communication in a long distance relationship. My guy and I currently live in different states when he isn't deployed. We typically message frequently throughout the day and talk on the phone most nights. As the girlfriend, I feel like I should have a few privileges like knowing his travel schedule (he travels a lot) and finding out things directly from him instead of via a Facebook notification/check-in. Yesterday, I didn't hear anything from my guy in the afternoon and later in the evening noticed a check-in that he was attending a concert. I have no problem with him going to events and doing fun things but is it so unreasonable to want to hear from him, "Hey, I'm going out tonight so I probably won't talk to you until tomorrow"? I just like to know what's going on. I'm probably crazy, but it feels like he's intentionally being vague or wanting to hide something when he doesn't communicate with me. Another reason I think I take this stuff personally is because I'm still kind of new to the dating scene. I'm recently divorced and I think I sometimes expect husband level commitment from my boyfriend, which I know isn't fair. It's something I'm working on. Anyway, this behavior of my guy isn't new or different. There are days when I don't hear much from him. Am I being a chill supportive girlfriend or am I letting him take advantage of the situation?
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    #2
    Have you told him how you felt? With my husband when we were living apart or heck when he was on travel just check in...not like every hour type thing. I think it was more of a comfort thing especially if I wasn't going to hear from him later on. My husband traveled overseas a bit in his last command not deployments but more gov't type situations. I asked him to at least give me a heads up once a day of what was going on what he had planned for the day. My husband doesn't do Facebook but I still like to have a general info. Not that I want details but something.

    My husband is currently on travel and when he got to a check in point he said he was there...i didn't hear from him again till almost midnight asking if i was up....i was sleeping. I have yet to hear from him. Now granted I know where he is and there isn't much going on where he is. Most you can do is swim, go to the one bar and your room. Other than when you are actually working.

    Just say how you feel and say hey i just like to know what you have planned and not feel left out kind of thing.
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    Margot, I haven't addressed it yet. I'm debating between sending him a message about it or waiting to bring it up the next time we talk on the phone. Communication was pretty nonexistent in my previous marriage and confrontation is not something I like but I know I have to bring these things up instead of letting them fester.
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    #4
    I don't think its unreasonable to want to know what he is up to from time to time. No you shouldn't be keeping tabs on him and you don't need to know what he is doing every second of the day, but I think it is more of a common courtesy type thing for your, SO married or not, to at least let you know why he won't be responding to you opposed to texting/calling back and forth to an abrupt halt to all communication.

    Just like PP said, talk to him, let him know how you feel, maybe he doesn't notice that he's doing it, or maybe he just doesn't see it as a big deal. Men aren't mind readers (hell, neither are women) that's why communication is key to relationships. If I was in your shoes, I'd let him know that I don't expect to or need to know where he's at or what he's doing 24/7, but you'd rather find out from him directly why conversation between you two abruptly stopped as opposed to seeing his FB posts.

    For me, whenever DH and I are apart, I just want him to check in so I know he's safe and that goes the other way as well, I let him know what I'm up to so he knows I'm okay.
  5. d12
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    #5
    I would definitely address it with him. It doesn't have to be confrontational at all, just kind of let him know that you would like to hear from him and know what he is doing occasionally. It seems like sometimes men are not always aware that they are "ignoring" someone. DB used to hurt my feelings because he wouldn't contact me until 11 or so in the morning when I knew he'd been up since 6. It stopped bugging me when I realized that he is just going through his routine and it isn't that he is ignoring me, he was just waiting for when he would have a chance to talk more.

    It's definitely worth at least mentioning. Like I said, it doesn't have to be confrontational or argumentative, just maybe an idea of what you both expect from each other.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by snowrider54 View Post
    Margot, I haven't addressed it yet. I'm debating between sending him a message about it or waiting to bring it up the next time we talk on the phone. Communication was pretty nonexistent in my previous marriage and confrontation is not something I like but I know I have to bring these things up instead of letting them fester.
    I would imagine if you calmly explain everything he might understand. Maybe saying feeling left out of your plans vs checking in on you would be better....just find a tactful way of saying what are you doing tonight? Do it via phone call and not text. After a while you can do it by text but that is after knowing each other for a while like i can do that to my husband. But he also knows I don't really like that feeling.
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    #7
    Sorry, your post bothered me as soon as you claim a "right" to know. GF, wife, child, you have no "right."
    What you can get is an agreement among people, but as expressed above, that requires a conversation.
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    Thanks for the feedback. A few months ago, he let me know that he's gun shy about relationships because his last two failed and he takes those failures quite personally. He admitted it's difficult to put someone else before himself. I appreciated his candor. We've been together about 6 months so we're still getting used to each other and our relationship.

    He just messaged me that he'll be ferrying an airplane overseas which will keep him occupied the next six days. He's very good about keeping me informed of his travel plans and bigger "events" like this but the day to day stuff details don't usually come up. I think that's just how he is. But I will let him know that it's reassuring to me to get a heads up when he'll be busy and unavailable for messaging.

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